If you turn on the news...
...and see an insane woman running down the street, chasing two dogs and two cats with a broom and a squirt gun...don't worry, it's just me.
I got a couple of those baby gates that keep kids in or out of certain rooms so that I could divide the house into Dogland and Catland. Last night, one of the dogs (I guess it was one of them, for all I know they both could have conspired together) broke a gate down and decided that I was sleeping too much. I woke up to find over 200 pounds of dog on my bed, each curled up on one side of me, looking quite comfortable. I looked up at my clock and noticed a cat on top of the TV who was, as I glanced at her, smacking a glass of iced tea down onto my clean carpet. So, I immediately threw a towel on the mess and tried to soak it up.
Then, when I took the glass to the kitchen sink, I found that a cat (or two cats, I haven't finished my forensic investigation yet) played "Knock Everything Off Of The Counter" and the sugar and creamer was all over the kitchen floor along with the half eaten bowl of Fruity Pebbles that I ate at 3 AM. So, I cleaned that mess up. Then, I made myself a cup of coffee and took it into the living room.
I don't know why I was surprised by what I found in the living room, but I was. The dogs found my basket of hair bows, pony tail holders and hair clips and ate them all up. Actually, they didn't eat them, they just chewed them all up and spit them all out. That mess couldn't be cleaned with a broom or vacuum cleaner...oh no. I had to crawl around the floor on my hands and knees, picking the tiny pieces up. While I was doing that, I heard the unmistakable sound of a dog drinking out of the toilet coming from the hall bathroom. I went to put the lid down and when I did, I saw that they dogs had stopped in there on their way to bed and ripped up an economy size package of toilet paper and somehow, confined that entire mess to the bathroom.
So, I've been up for close to an hour and all I've been doing since is cleaning the messes that those freaks made while I was sleeping. Now, I am finally getting to my first cup of coffee and I realized that I forgot AGAIN to call my friend with the crazed lady attorney. Damn...Girl...could you just call me? My brain stops functioning around dinnertime and I can't seem to think to call you after 5 PM.
I put the gates back up and stuck the dogs out back. One of them is barking like a maniac. That stupid dog is NOT coming back into this house until I am no longer homicidal.
I haven't woken up to a mess like that one since 1980. My ex husband woke up ay 3 AM to work on his catering truck and my son would wake up with him. But, the kid would wait for Daddy to leave so that he didn't get put back to bed. Usually, he would just call someone on the phone. I had taught him how to use speed dialing to call his grandmother and he would do that...at 3:30 AM. My mom would tell him to "Go get your mommy!" and he would refuse.
One morning, I woke up and went straight to the bathroom only to find orange toilet water. He had dumped an entire jar of Tang in the loo, for what, I don't know. Then, I went to check on the baby and found that her older brother had given her a half gallon of neapolitan ice cream and a spoon. So, there she was in her crib, feeding herself ice cream. I guess he wanted to keep her quiet so that he could continue on his destructive mission.
I went to the kitchen and found that he had dumped all four of my canisters into a pile on the floor. There was flour, sugar, coffee and pennies in those cannisters and after he dumped them all out, he peed on the pile so that by the time that I woke up, the pennies were glued to the floor by a glutonous mixture of flour, sugar and pee. The final insult was when I opened a cabinet and was attacked by a 2 pound box of spaghetti that came at me like Niagra Falls. I couldn't get the pasta to stop before it all just came out. I had to just sit and laugh, otherwise I would have cried for sure.
I don't have that same sense of humor that I had in my youth. And, I'm not as fond of the animals as I was of my children. This is isn't as funny as it could be. Maybe in another 20 years, I'll laugh. But right now, I just want to tape that dogs mouth shut and snicker.
Now, I have to feed all of the animals who trashed my house. That just doesn't seem right, does it?
OK, I guess I've calmed down enough to let them back in. But, if you DO see me on the news...that'll probably mean that I've gotten busted for something stupid so call the Marietta Police Department and see if they've given me bail.
I just decided that I get to eat first. OK then, I'm going to get some more Fruity Pebbles and eat them. Then, I'll feed the maniacs who trashed my house. Then, God willing, I'll be back.
See ya!
Meg
...and see an insane woman running down the street, chasing two dogs and two cats with a broom and a squirt gun...don't worry, it's just me.
I got a couple of those baby gates that keep kids in or out of certain rooms so that I could divide the house into Dogland and Catland. Last night, one of the dogs (I guess it was one of them, for all I know they both could have conspired together) broke a gate down and decided that I was sleeping too much. I woke up to find over 200 pounds of dog on my bed, each curled up on one side of me, looking quite comfortable. I looked up at my clock and noticed a cat on top of the TV who was, as I glanced at her, smacking a glass of iced tea down onto my clean carpet. So, I immediately threw a towel on the mess and tried to soak it up.
Then, when I took the glass to the kitchen sink, I found that a cat (or two cats, I haven't finished my forensic investigation yet) played "Knock Everything Off Of The Counter" and the sugar and creamer was all over the kitchen floor along with the half eaten bowl of Fruity Pebbles that I ate at 3 AM. So, I cleaned that mess up. Then, I made myself a cup of coffee and took it into the living room.
I don't know why I was surprised by what I found in the living room, but I was. The dogs found my basket of hair bows, pony tail holders and hair clips and ate them all up. Actually, they didn't eat them, they just chewed them all up and spit them all out. That mess couldn't be cleaned with a broom or vacuum cleaner...oh no. I had to crawl around the floor on my hands and knees, picking the tiny pieces up. While I was doing that, I heard the unmistakable sound of a dog drinking out of the toilet coming from the hall bathroom. I went to put the lid down and when I did, I saw that they dogs had stopped in there on their way to bed and ripped up an economy size package of toilet paper and somehow, confined that entire mess to the bathroom.
So, I've been up for close to an hour and all I've been doing since is cleaning the messes that those freaks made while I was sleeping. Now, I am finally getting to my first cup of coffee and I realized that I forgot AGAIN to call my friend with the crazed lady attorney. Damn...Girl...could you just call me? My brain stops functioning around dinnertime and I can't seem to think to call you after 5 PM.
I put the gates back up and stuck the dogs out back. One of them is barking like a maniac. That stupid dog is NOT coming back into this house until I am no longer homicidal.
I haven't woken up to a mess like that one since 1980. My ex husband woke up ay 3 AM to work on his catering truck and my son would wake up with him. But, the kid would wait for Daddy to leave so that he didn't get put back to bed. Usually, he would just call someone on the phone. I had taught him how to use speed dialing to call his grandmother and he would do that...at 3:30 AM. My mom would tell him to "Go get your mommy!" and he would refuse.
One morning, I woke up and went straight to the bathroom only to find orange toilet water. He had dumped an entire jar of Tang in the loo, for what, I don't know. Then, I went to check on the baby and found that her older brother had given her a half gallon of neapolitan ice cream and a spoon. So, there she was in her crib, feeding herself ice cream. I guess he wanted to keep her quiet so that he could continue on his destructive mission.
I went to the kitchen and found that he had dumped all four of my canisters into a pile on the floor. There was flour, sugar, coffee and pennies in those cannisters and after he dumped them all out, he peed on the pile so that by the time that I woke up, the pennies were glued to the floor by a glutonous mixture of flour, sugar and pee. The final insult was when I opened a cabinet and was attacked by a 2 pound box of spaghetti that came at me like Niagra Falls. I couldn't get the pasta to stop before it all just came out. I had to just sit and laugh, otherwise I would have cried for sure.
I don't have that same sense of humor that I had in my youth. And, I'm not as fond of the animals as I was of my children. This is isn't as funny as it could be. Maybe in another 20 years, I'll laugh. But right now, I just want to tape that dogs mouth shut and snicker.
Now, I have to feed all of the animals who trashed my house. That just doesn't seem right, does it?
OK, I guess I've calmed down enough to let them back in. But, if you DO see me on the news...that'll probably mean that I've gotten busted for something stupid so call the Marietta Police Department and see if they've given me bail.
I just decided that I get to eat first. OK then, I'm going to get some more Fruity Pebbles and eat them. Then, I'll feed the maniacs who trashed my house. Then, God willing, I'll be back.
See ya!
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 5:59 AM
2 Comments:
You poor thing! The dogs are lucky to be alive.
I can feel your pain...like a distant bad memory. :P Mine pulled a similar stunt once, a long time ago. He had pulled all my plants out of the windows and dragged the ball of dirt and plant through the carpet in the whole house. I walked in after a 4 hour commute on the bus from NYC to find wall to wall dirt. The dog was in the truck on his way to the pound before I calmed down and changed my mind.
YIKES! Wall to wall carpet dirt may have just bought a dog a ticket to the pound.
Both of the dogs are lying on the floor relaxing as though they're co-kings of the world. But, if they survived the morning that I woke up to wall to wall dog shit, they'll survive the toilet paper/hair clip mess they made this morning.
It's a good thing that my dog is such a great watch dog, he serves a purpose. the old dog, on the other hand, only barks to get what she wants, like when she wants to come in the house. After I had her for a while, my dog (who had always been happy to stay outside until I let him in) tried Maggie's barking trick. I let him bark a few times and waited for him to stop before I brought him in. That dog acts like a complete moron when I ask him to do something, but he is obviously a helluva lot smarter than he wants me to believe. If he can figure out that Maggie gets in by barking, he should be able to bring the damned ball back after I throw it.
I almost took my son to a "behavior modification" home for bratty pre-teens. He didn't know where we were going. Something went wrong with the car so I had to pull over. He fixed the car and while he was doing it, I changed my mind about having him committed. That boy had no idea how close he came to being put ina "juvie home" that day.
I often wonder if I made the right decision that day. But, he's a good kid so I guess that I'll keep him.
Meg
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