Man...

...I couldn't get signed onto the computer all afternoon and now that I have, I've forgotten what I was going to say. Oh well, that's never stopped me before.

Damn it...this time it was something good, too. Whatever...it may come to me yet.

Last night I went out to shoot a couple of games of pool. Well, maybe 7 games. After a shaky start, I finally got my game going. I used to think that I couldn't shoot at all without beer but now that I've been forced to go beer-less...I finally have learned to shoot pool while sober. Of course, it's possible that I've always been able to shoot sober but just THOUGHT that I needed to have a few beers first. One way or another, I eventually found my zone and started shooting well.

I think that I shoot well enough and act aloof enough that most men pretty much just treat me like a lady. And, of course...I don't usually have to worry about any man hitting on me while I'm kicking his ass on the pool table. I behave in a very sports-manlike manner and we all have fun shooting pool, espacially if the other people are good as well. Then, it's not only fun to play the game...it's also fun for others to watch the game.

But...every so often some redneck, drunk or even an old guy in a jet black toupe decides that he must have me. Last night was one of those nights.

There was hardly anybody in the place at all, just about 4 people at the bar and a couple of groups of guys along with one guy by himself all shooting pool. I put my quarters up and waited my turn.

I go to this place because it's pretty safe territory for me. I know the owner and the employees and most of the long-time regulars because I used to host a weekly comedy show there. The people there all know me. That's the place that I tell guys to take me there when I am on a really, REALLY bad date. If, for whatever reason, I have to dump a guy (and I DO have good reasons, really I do.), I have him drive me to this place and I can always be sure that someone that I know well enough will be there and be happy to give me a ride home. So, I wait until the dates from hell goes to the can and I grab a friend, run out of the place and into his or her car.

Last night I didn't bring my own date from hell, but I did spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding one. Amongst the basically decent group of guys shooting pool, he was the one who stood out. He was dressed as though he had been painting houses in Death Valley. And he smelled as though he had as well. He was young, MAYBE 30 and he obviously practiced poor oral hygeine. He was overly friendly and nobody's dream...I assure you. The rest of the guys were intelligent, well dressed, pleasant men.

I wouldn't have accepted a drink from this guy but when I was shooting against him (and he did his best to be the person that I was shooting against. I had to beat him just to get him off the table.) I won and so he tried to buy me a drink. He asked what I was drinking and I said, "Tea."

He said, "Oh! Why the hell are you drinking TEA?!"

I had to argue with him about that. Then, he finally gave up and asked if he could buy me a glass of tea for winning the game.

Those glasses hold about a quart and I didn't even want another one but he insisted so I grudingly said, "OK."

Then, he did something that stunned me. He held 2 bucks out in front of me and said, "Here...go get yourself a glass of tea...on me."

Needless to say, I didn't do it. I said, something like, "You don't just hand a lady cash in a bar...go buy the drink if you want to...I'm not walking up there and buying myself a drink when I already have one."

So...he went up to the bar and bought the tea.

Then, a few minutes after he delivered the tea and went back to his side of the pool table, he must have gotten over any embarrassment that he might have felt and walked over to me and said, "Sorry, I just wanted to show you what a gentleman I was."

He sat at the table corner that I had chosen because of it's position close to the pool table and away from everyone else. The owner just saw a place to stick an extra table and he put one back there. It's nowhere near the other tables but it has a great view of the pool table. Anyway, this creep sat at my nice, secluded table (with 2 chairs close to each other since it's in a corner) and I immediately stood up and began paying attention to the pool game, which I was NOT playing in.

He seemed to take the hint. Then, he worked up some more courage. Either that or he did a couple more shots and worked up some nerve, that's my guess. The next thing I know, he's walking back over to me and my table. I stood up before he got there.

Now, I've heard some lines in my day...my favorite was the guy who smiled at me, licked his finger and wiped it on my sleeve as he said, "C'mon, let's go get out of these wet clothes."

I don't know why, but that struck me as extremly funny. I love a guy who can make me laugh. Unfortunately, the guy in front of me last night made me want to snicker...or smack the hell out of him. So, with his new found courage, he stands in front of me and delivers what has to be the stupidist line that any man, any where, at any time in the history of the planet Earth has ever delivered...with a straight face:

"You know....I really like older women."

I think I'm just staying in tonight.

Ciao,

The Old Lady