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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, September 10, 2007

You know…

…I recently became the proud owner of a pair of bifocals. I had gotten sick of leaving my glasses in patient’s beds after taking them off to start IV's. I don’t know how many of you are aware of this…but no matter how good your vision is, with age will come presbyopia. I call it trombone vision because of the way you have to pull the paper forward to read it.

I can read up close without my glasses, but all of a sudden I can’t see up close WITH them. So I took them off when I needed to see up close. Then I would walk away, forget where I left them and wander around, blind…looking for a pair of glasses that I couldn’t see if they were right in front of me. I did NOT want to admit that I was old enough for bifocals. I even went so far as to wear ONE contact which caused immense headaches that, despite what the eye doctor dude told me, did NOT go away. I fought the bifocal war valiantly, but I finally had enough…so I caved.

But there are a few things that they don’t tell you about bifocals. Did you know that when you first get them it’s like seeing the world as though it was a reflection in one of those carnival mirrors? You have to walk on sidewalks, down hallways and staircases, steps and hills…all looking like you’ve taken that brown acid that they had at Woodstock. It’s no wonder so many old ladies fall and break their hips…it’s the bifocals. If you get the chance, grab someone’s and try them on…and see if you can walk down two steps with those suckers on. I dare ya.

To make matters worse, I have small glasses which make for small bifocal bottoms. Mine are so small and close to the middle that I pretty much have to be cross-eyed and looking slightly downward…not an easy task. It’s easier just to take the damn things off.

So, now I have to get one of those eyeglass necklace things. Those suckers are more obvious than bifocals…and a louder pronouncement of your entry into middle age. My father bought me one last year. I quickly lost it. Not on purpose, I just lose everything. I can’t always trust my dad’s ideas like I did when I was a kid…he wanted me to take Kitty Kelso as a pen name. But I do remember a time when he was my hero. He could do no wrong. He was Daddy. Now he’s just a sweet old man and he’s older than I am…I have no clue what to expect at his age…as it is, I wasn’t aware of the bifocal calamity.

There are a few other delightful little revelations that come with the territory as the years ebb on by. Did you know that…for no apparent reason…things start growing on you? They call them skin tags and hack ‘em off. I have no idea why skin cells just decide to grow out instead of sideways…it’s a mystery.

The real fun starts when you start to tell the same stories over and over again. I seem to do that to my kids. I’ll tell them something and they’ll go…“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mom. You’ve told me that story a million times.” They could at least listen…I listen when my dad tells me the same stories all the time…and discuss it as though I’ve never heard it before. By now I know how he feels about the story…I remember entire conversations that he’s forgotten. So…I look brilliant to him as I give his exact perspective before he has a chance to say it himself.

I must really being get up there in age because the biggest excitement of my summer was the purchase of my new bed. I am still in love with it. I love to buy it clothes and dress it up...and then I climb into my nice, soft, comfortable new bed. That reminds me...when my daughter was here, we found a bed in a bag for 20 bucks. It was on clearnce. I probably wouldn't have picked it out, but for 20 bucks...I couldn't pass it up. It probably has a thread count of 12...but it'll be different and I can wash the other new set that I had to buy to get the bed skirt that I wanted. Now...this is some old lady chit chat.

I think I’m gonna put new bedclothes on my pretty new bed and sit on it, watching a movie or something…after I clean the damned kitchen…AGAIN!



PS...I'm not the only one who has recently been through the bifocal fiasco:



Blogger akakarma said...

I have at least ten pair of reading glasses, one in each room plus the car, plus my pocketbook! And sometimes I still can't find one!

September 12, 2007  
Blogger Meg said...

I lost 3 pair in one week, had to go each time to Lenscrafters to get a $99 pair...and then I found them ALL in one day. I had glasses for years.

I am always losing mine. If I'm not wearing them, I can't see to find them.


September 12, 2007  

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