I just had a very long conversation...
...with a friend of mine who is going through a divorce. It's one of those divorces where the wife is accusing him of everything under the sun and I didn't understand it because he is such a nice guy and doesn't deserve this. Well, tonight he mentioned something that finally gave me some possible insight into the behavior of his wife.
My friend mentioned that he enjoyed pornography quite a bit but he never "went outside the marriage for satisfaction". He seemed to neglect the fact that his wife may have felt a desire to be his sole source of satisfaction and she might not have appreciated it when he stared at naked bodies of sexy young women. Sure, he might have been at home, but if he was looking at naked women he sort of WAS going outside of the marriage for satisfaction. I understand that some men enjoy pornography and find it to be innocent fun. I get that, I really do. But unless it is part of a "team" effort, it is akin to cheating. Not all women feel this way, but plenty do. I know there are even women who enjoy it as well but trust me...some find it to be extremely offensive.
"My friend said that he considered his wife to be the love of his life and that sex with her was wonderful as well. He told me how important she and their intimacy was and in the next sentence said that he only turned to porn when his wife was tired or not in the mood. So, basically, he was saying that the wonderful feelings he had when he was with her were evenly swapped out for pornography.
Nobody gave me the job of being a judge of other humans and I am trying very hard NOT to sound like one. But...can you see how a woman might feel as though she is easily replaced with smut? We all know how degrading to women in general that porn is in the first place. But to say that you need it if you can't get it from your wife is saying to the wife that the relationship is something less than she might have thought it was. So it degrades not only women but the relationship as well.
I know that you can be a very loyal husband and enjoy pornography. I also know that some women don't mind porn one little bit. But I am referring to the ones that DO mind. To most of them, it isn't a matter of jealousy. It is simply a matter of respect and consideration. As innocently as men may pursue this little hobby, they are pretty much saying to their women that sex is no more than a bodily function. Sometimes it may be but if you are in a relationship that involves fidelity, sex should be a bit more than that.
FYI...some women feel as though a guy who needs to dabble in the manly art of porn is obviously not at all happy with the woman he is with. I wonder what my friend would have thought if his wife was the one enjoying the pornography. I wonder how the ego's of these men would fare if their women used images of other men to "relieve" themselves.
We women can be pretty sensitive and most of us don't like competition. Especially air-brushed, fake perfection that we could never aspire to. When a man feels the need to look at naked women who aren't us, we think that we aren't good enough ourselves.
Men might not see it that way, but trust me, women do.
So, if you have someone that you want to keep around, let her be the only one who does it for you. If you want to go and get all crazy, go get your wife. She just may have more in her than you realize and she may be waiting for you to bring it out. But it's difficult for a woman to be totally open in bed when she feels less than adequate. So, if a man truly loves his wife and wants to have great sex, pornography is actually counter-productive.
...with a friend of mine who is going through a divorce. It's one of those divorces where the wife is accusing him of everything under the sun and I didn't understand it because he is such a nice guy and doesn't deserve this. Well, tonight he mentioned something that finally gave me some possible insight into the behavior of his wife.
My friend mentioned that he enjoyed pornography quite a bit but he never "went outside the marriage for satisfaction". He seemed to neglect the fact that his wife may have felt a desire to be his sole source of satisfaction and she might not have appreciated it when he stared at naked bodies of sexy young women. Sure, he might have been at home, but if he was looking at naked women he sort of WAS going outside of the marriage for satisfaction. I understand that some men enjoy pornography and find it to be innocent fun. I get that, I really do. But unless it is part of a "team" effort, it is akin to cheating. Not all women feel this way, but plenty do. I know there are even women who enjoy it as well but trust me...some find it to be extremely offensive.
"My friend said that he considered his wife to be the love of his life and that sex with her was wonderful as well. He told me how important she and their intimacy was and in the next sentence said that he only turned to porn when his wife was tired or not in the mood. So, basically, he was saying that the wonderful feelings he had when he was with her were evenly swapped out for pornography.
Nobody gave me the job of being a judge of other humans and I am trying very hard NOT to sound like one. But...can you see how a woman might feel as though she is easily replaced with smut? We all know how degrading to women in general that porn is in the first place. But to say that you need it if you can't get it from your wife is saying to the wife that the relationship is something less than she might have thought it was. So it degrades not only women but the relationship as well.
I know that you can be a very loyal husband and enjoy pornography. I also know that some women don't mind porn one little bit. But I am referring to the ones that DO mind. To most of them, it isn't a matter of jealousy. It is simply a matter of respect and consideration. As innocently as men may pursue this little hobby, they are pretty much saying to their women that sex is no more than a bodily function. Sometimes it may be but if you are in a relationship that involves fidelity, sex should be a bit more than that.
FYI...some women feel as though a guy who needs to dabble in the manly art of porn is obviously not at all happy with the woman he is with. I wonder what my friend would have thought if his wife was the one enjoying the pornography. I wonder how the ego's of these men would fare if their women used images of other men to "relieve" themselves.
We women can be pretty sensitive and most of us don't like competition. Especially air-brushed, fake perfection that we could never aspire to. When a man feels the need to look at naked women who aren't us, we think that we aren't good enough ourselves.
Men might not see it that way, but trust me, women do.
So, if you have someone that you want to keep around, let her be the only one who does it for you. If you want to go and get all crazy, go get your wife. She just may have more in her than you realize and she may be waiting for you to bring it out. But it's difficult for a woman to be totally open in bed when she feels less than adequate. So, if a man truly loves his wife and wants to have great sex, pornography is actually counter-productive.
posted by Meg Kelso | 10:00 PM
3 Comments:
As usual, you are spot on.
I might add one other thing:
Men seem to be attracted to things in terms of pornography that they would never do with their wife/gf. That ole Maddona/Whore complex rears it's head again.
But we ladies don't see it that way. We see it as something we aren't good enough to deserve.
I remember catching my husband looking at Internet porn and me being offended because of it.
The reason why it offended me was because I imagined that he imagined having sex with different women, and well, thought is certainly prelude to ones actions.
Now that I look back, I should have seen this as a warning sign that my marriage wasn't going well (duh)
I once read on another blog (written by a male) that women shouldn't get offended if men look at porn because some women are not able to keep up with a mans need, and men need to "get off" somehow.
I really don't believe that. I think it's just an excuse.
whatever happened to self control?
I would argue that many men do use porn to an unhealthy extreme, which I would define as affecting the man's ability to have sexual relations with his wife. if the wife wants to make love, and the man just satisfied himself using porn and is physically unavailable, then that would be unhealthy.
But there are many sound physical reasons for men to release themselves more frequently than women want, or need. Scientific studies have shown a relationship between some diseases (prostate cancer, for one) and how often a man ejaculates. Not how often he has loving sex with a significant other, just ejaculates. There are other physical benefits to more frequent sex than is normal (three times per week seems necessary according to most of the studies).
Still, if porn and masturbation are interfering with sex within the marriage, that is unhealthy.
Fire away, ladies :-)
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