It's 5 AM...



...and all I can hear from the TV is the Democratic Dick Sucking Party so I turned on Leave it to Beaver. That's not too annoying for background noise...Susan Estrich grates on my nerves and they're tender right now as it is. Anyway, now I can write without getting terribly frustrated, annoyed and homicidal. I think I'm in a bad mood because Rick called me to whine about HIS problems and he "plucked my last raw nerve" as my grandmother used to say.

I am so over it and every time I go for a week without thinking about him, he seems to know. Then he calls me to let me know how lonely he is. This time he wasn't lonely, he was sorry...LOLOLOL.

I think it's the self pity that got to me. I just am not in the mood to deal with his guilt so instead of saying, "Oh, don't worry, it all turns out for the best.", like I would usually say (and I'm SURE he was expecting to hear), I just borrowed a line from the movie Cold Mountain (the DVD that he stole from me) and told him, "You made the weather and now you're standing there shouting, 'Look, it's raining!'. I think I added some spice like "Suck my dick" and then I hung up on him. He called me back but I didn't answer the phone.

I fell asleep cursing him and when I woke up I was still annoyed so that's where I am now...annoyed.

Anyway, I've decided that it's not a ghost or a poltergeist that's causing the drops to appear everywhere. I think it's coming from the ceiling fan. If my mind is wrapped around this one well, and I think it is, then I am right in assuming that there's a small leak somewhere and the water is, oh so slowly, coming out of the electrical sockets. If I'm not here one day you'll know why.

Of course it could be humidity forming on the fan and THAT'S what's landing all over the kitchen. I haven't a clue. But it rained really hard all night and the drops aren't around now. I guess it's still a mystery. Oh well, that's one mystery I can live with...but the mystery of why Rick calls me for some stupid reason or another every few weeks can keep me scratching my head.

Anyway, I'm going to stop thinking about that and let it go so I don't spend another day all irritated.

I found a joke which should get me in a better mood for you guys...if not for MYSELF! Here it is:

(Posted by xblogger in Doctors Corner)

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A lovely young nurse greets them and tells them she’s going to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in her hand, and begins to masturbate him.

“Whoa!” he says, “What’s going on?”

She replies that it is all standard procedure and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.
The guy thinks, “How bad can it be?” So he agrees. And allows the nurse to finish her task.

Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy.

When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, “Hey, what’s this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That’s not fair.”

The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, “Sorry, buddy. That’s the difference between Private Healthcare and Public Healthcare.”

The Cubs are safely ensconced in first place in August so that means that I can actually talk about it. Every time I wanted to talk about them before I would worry that I would jinx them if I said a word about them. They hovered around a tie for a while. With a 5 game lead over Milwaukee, I have a BIT of breathing room.

I haven't seen a Cubs game in quite some time and that's not fair. They just came to Atlanta but I couldn't afford to go. Who's dick do you have to suck to see a Cubs game? I'd get really jiggy if the game was at Wrigley and included a beer at the Cubby Bear Lounge. I'd lick chode for seats right behind the third base dug out.

Yeah, I sure would enjoy a good Cub's game. I don't like seeing a slug fest because when the wind is blowing just so, those balls go halfway to Lake Michigan. I wonder if one ever actually landed in the lake? Wrigley isn't far from the lake at all. Anyway, a slug fest is anyone's race to 20 home runs. Of course, it is sort of fun to watch, but only if the wind blows for the Cubbies.

I used to have a crush on a really bad first base player named Pete LaCock...number 23. He sure was pretty. But none of them would do now...they're mostly the same age as my kids. They may LOOK like real men, but baseball players are nothing but 20-somethings with big...bats. Nothing else.

They have no sexperience worth speaking of and not enough maturity to even know how to PRETEND to be classy. If done properly, a one night stand doesn't HAVE to be a totally negative experience.

I'm sure that the guys in that age range are thinking, "How dare you say that! I'm a stud...I can go all night!"

Well dude, maybe you can. But did you ever ask a chick if she WANTED to "go all night"? My other ex would go so long that I would eventually fall asleep, wake up and wonder, "Is he STILL at it?" All night sex is highly overrated. I don't care if you do have a .361 batting average.

I don't know if guys realize it or not...but EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM says something to the effect of, "Let me show you what I can do, I promise, I'm the best that you'll ever have. I'll take you places you've never even dreamt of before." They all use different words but basically every guy who is going to tell you about his love-making prowess is going to significantly inflate his own abilities. He may believe that he is good, but that just makes it worse. He wants to prove that he's really, really good. Then he tries so hard for so long that you pretty much have to fart loudly to make him stop.

A nice big fart will get any self-respecting man off of a woman. Of course there's those guys who don't care and for that apathetic fart stance, he's out of there on principal. There's no farting in sex, I don't care what they do in San Francisco. If some dude finds it acceptable...he's OUTTA THERE!!!

Of curse, I'm not talking about pussy farts. Those are a totally different situation. If some dude pumps a chick full of air, it WILL eventually come out. If you don't know why, think of it like an air piston. You can't blame a chick for a pussy fart...you pumped her full of air. I just hate it when a pussy fart could be mistaken for a real fart. You almost feel as though you need to mention it..."You know...that was a pussy fart, not a real fart."

Oh well, enough fart talk, I have to go fix this coffee, I made it too weak.

:)