This is my response...
...to the insane dude who sent me the emails in the previous post. I don't know whether or not he'll understand it because he has all the intelligence of a curtain rod. I'm going to do it anyway because if he reads EVERY SINGLE word, he just might pick up on the derogatory nature of the post itself. He might not get all of the nuanced insults...but he should grasp the tone.
First of all, for full disclosures sake, I have to show you this; an exchange that I found after I posted the first emails:
HE SAID: If you are not too busy with the current fuck buddy, would you like to spend some quality time with me? After watching olympic, I'm all for the world class competition. I want to top your past fuck memories. I'm going for the gold baby. Let's fuck like we are competing at the Olympic. What do you say?
HE SAID: We can start with strolling around the central park. We can share freshly brewed iced coffee or tea shortly afterward. From there, we can either had back to my place or your place to take an ice cold shower together. (BTW, rubbing testicles in the cold water helps to stay longer.) We can try to match or out perform Sting's 16 hours of making love. I'm up for the challenge; are you? Let me know ASAP if interested
SHE SAID: The ice thing gives away your age. You are between 25 and 35. Am I right?
HE SAID: Ok, I'm 30 yrs old. Am curious to know how the ice thing gave away my age.
So...to my latest insane woman hater,
I don't know where to start. First let me submit the following observation, you have the sex appeal of a used toothpick.
Next, I should answer your question about the ice. The subject of ice comes up during what I call the third grade of sex. You see, this is how it works:
In the kindergarten of sex, you learn where everything is and if you're lucky, you'll also learn what all of the various components feel like. That's it. This could last for a month or with guys like you, it could last for years.
The entire first grade of sex is spent with the first poor chick that you boink. This is when you'll have the most pregnancy scares, embarrassing condom purchases and you'll spend a lot of time just looking for places to fuck. You're pretty much frightened at some point during first grade sex...of one thing or another...each and every single time you get a piece. First grade sex is embarrassing and awkward, but you MUST go through it.
When you get to the second grade of sex, you're a bit more comfortable about the whole thing and you fancy yourself quite the Don Juan. You may be a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' type, but still, YOU think that you're God's gift to women, which Peter obviously does. This habit first appears in second grade sex, but you never really break it. (That's why Peter still has this particular problem even though he's in third grade sex.)
(An aside: I met Rick in his second grade of sex. The first time that he ever lasted more than 4 thrusts...I swear to you...he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Now, wasn't that better?" I just smiled. I liked him too much to break out in uncontrollable laughter.)
Anyway, during second grade sex men work up a sort of certitude and an unabashed faith in their proficiency in the area of their sexual prowess. The idea they've worked up in their head in NO way corresponds to reality but it does give them the confidence to experiment. I've met men who wanted to experiment with one thing or another but I'd have to say that the most common way that a third grader gets "freaky"...is with ice. They use it in different ways, some want you to rub it on them, some want to you put in a place that's usually very warm...the garage where they want to park their willy.
I knew that you were between 25 and 35 because that's usually when a man is in the third grade of sex. So, I know that you are right there...sitting at your desk, pulling pigtails and looking up patent leather shoes. For a woman who is, say...23, a third grader looks pretty good. But, when you've been to grad school, third graders are a bit passe, sexually immature and honestly, not worth the time, effort and experience that I would have to invest in them.
At the very least, I could be with a high school graduate. They've had long, long, long term relationships and their vocabulary includes the word "reciprocation." So, you see, Ice Boy, you never stood a chance.
So much for how I knew your approximate age. Now it's time to answer your barrage of emails accusing me of being a "slut" because I didn't meet you the day after you sent me an invite to "fuck" you. Your behavior here doesn't really fit into any sex grade, it's just a sign that you should have been on the short sex bus from the get-go...not to mention the fact that sluts DO fuck people arbitrarily while obviously, I do not. I am what you would call the OPPOSITE of a slut.
If not fucking someone makes a woman a slut, then your mother and sisters are total whores because not ONE of them fucked my father, my sons, or my brothers. WHAT HOES THEY ARE!
Speaking of your mother, I know why she named you Peter. You came out of her dick first.
And I absolutely must defend my FUCK buddy here. He is SOOOOOO NOT an "old fart faced duck buddy". On the other hand, he is a perfect 37 years old, unbelievably good looking man who has more class in his ass sphincter than you will EVER have in your entire psyche. I chose him carefully and he has had the job for close to 4 years now. There's no way in HELL that you could EVER take his place. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING about you is attractive and EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING about my guy is so damn sexy, attractive and gentlemanly that a short bus dude like yourself has no hope whatsoever. None. Nada. Niente. You know so little compared to what this man knows that even in your BEST fantasies, you could never hope to come close to him.
I have to wonder if there was a man present in your home while you were growing up. If there was, he must have been an abusive bastard with no respect for women. But, I think he was long gone after he noticed the queer manner in which your mother cared for you. Your dad was probably trying to avoid a Bates Motel type situation. I picture you as the baby in a family full of girls who, along with mommy, spoiled you rotten in a way that made you believe that you were entitled to get anything that you wanted from women...no matter what you had to do to get it.
You learned very early how to manipulate women. I wouldn't necessarily assume that sisters who spoil a manipulative little brat boy are stupid. But your sisters must have been. Intelligence is a genetic trait that is so absent in you that I doubt your sisters have much more. So, since your sisters were morons, you think that all women must be just as stupid.
Obviously, you think that I am stupid. If you didn't believe that, you wouldn't have written the silly little threats and stupid comments that you wrote, nor would have thought that your disrespectful "come on lines" would have worked. Also, I find it fascinating how you state the opposite of the truth so often:
"...You missed out some quality time..."
"...I'm not a nut case..."
"...I'm not desperate..."
Your ice comment proved that I didn't miss a damn thing except a waste of my time and the other comments are hysterical when taken in the context of the rest of your emails.
By the way, I have never, nor would I ever want to know what the heck THIS means:
"...My penis can sing tunes you have never heard before..."
In closing, I'd like to say that you're right...one does need to be open to new experiences. Unfortunately for you, screwing an egomaniacal perv with absolutely NO respect for women would NOT be a new experience for me. I did that when I was 23...so...as I said before, go find yourself a 23 year old and leave the real women for the real men.
Sincerely,
Meg
...to the insane dude who sent me the emails in the previous post. I don't know whether or not he'll understand it because he has all the intelligence of a curtain rod. I'm going to do it anyway because if he reads EVERY SINGLE word, he just might pick up on the derogatory nature of the post itself. He might not get all of the nuanced insults...but he should grasp the tone.
First of all, for full disclosures sake, I have to show you this; an exchange that I found after I posted the first emails:
HE SAID: If you are not too busy with the current fuck buddy, would you like to spend some quality time with me? After watching olympic, I'm all for the world class competition. I want to top your past fuck memories. I'm going for the gold baby. Let's fuck like we are competing at the Olympic. What do you say?
HE SAID: We can start with strolling around the central park. We can share freshly brewed iced coffee or tea shortly afterward. From there, we can either had back to my place or your place to take an ice cold shower together. (BTW, rubbing testicles in the cold water helps to stay longer.) We can try to match or out perform Sting's 16 hours of making love. I'm up for the challenge; are you? Let me know ASAP if interested
SHE SAID: The ice thing gives away your age. You are between 25 and 35. Am I right?
HE SAID: Ok, I'm 30 yrs old. Am curious to know how the ice thing gave away my age.
So...to my latest insane woman hater,
I don't know where to start. First let me submit the following observation, you have the sex appeal of a used toothpick.
Next, I should answer your question about the ice. The subject of ice comes up during what I call the third grade of sex. You see, this is how it works:
In the kindergarten of sex, you learn where everything is and if you're lucky, you'll also learn what all of the various components feel like. That's it. This could last for a month or with guys like you, it could last for years.
The entire first grade of sex is spent with the first poor chick that you boink. This is when you'll have the most pregnancy scares, embarrassing condom purchases and you'll spend a lot of time just looking for places to fuck. You're pretty much frightened at some point during first grade sex...of one thing or another...each and every single time you get a piece. First grade sex is embarrassing and awkward, but you MUST go through it.
When you get to the second grade of sex, you're a bit more comfortable about the whole thing and you fancy yourself quite the Don Juan. You may be a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' type, but still, YOU think that you're God's gift to women, which Peter obviously does. This habit first appears in second grade sex, but you never really break it. (That's why Peter still has this particular problem even though he's in third grade sex.)
(An aside: I met Rick in his second grade of sex. The first time that he ever lasted more than 4 thrusts...I swear to you...he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Now, wasn't that better?" I just smiled. I liked him too much to break out in uncontrollable laughter.)
Anyway, during second grade sex men work up a sort of certitude and an unabashed faith in their proficiency in the area of their sexual prowess. The idea they've worked up in their head in NO way corresponds to reality but it does give them the confidence to experiment. I've met men who wanted to experiment with one thing or another but I'd have to say that the most common way that a third grader gets "freaky"...is with ice. They use it in different ways, some want you to rub it on them, some want to you put in a place that's usually very warm...the garage where they want to park their willy.
I knew that you were between 25 and 35 because that's usually when a man is in the third grade of sex. So, I know that you are right there...sitting at your desk, pulling pigtails and looking up patent leather shoes. For a woman who is, say...23, a third grader looks pretty good. But, when you've been to grad school, third graders are a bit passe, sexually immature and honestly, not worth the time, effort and experience that I would have to invest in them.
At the very least, I could be with a high school graduate. They've had long, long, long term relationships and their vocabulary includes the word "reciprocation." So, you see, Ice Boy, you never stood a chance.
So much for how I knew your approximate age. Now it's time to answer your barrage of emails accusing me of being a "slut" because I didn't meet you the day after you sent me an invite to "fuck" you. Your behavior here doesn't really fit into any sex grade, it's just a sign that you should have been on the short sex bus from the get-go...not to mention the fact that sluts DO fuck people arbitrarily while obviously, I do not. I am what you would call the OPPOSITE of a slut.
If not fucking someone makes a woman a slut, then your mother and sisters are total whores because not ONE of them fucked my father, my sons, or my brothers. WHAT HOES THEY ARE!
Speaking of your mother, I know why she named you Peter. You came out of her dick first.
And I absolutely must defend my FUCK buddy here. He is SOOOOOO NOT an "old fart faced duck buddy". On the other hand, he is a perfect 37 years old, unbelievably good looking man who has more class in his ass sphincter than you will EVER have in your entire psyche. I chose him carefully and he has had the job for close to 4 years now. There's no way in HELL that you could EVER take his place. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING about you is attractive and EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING about my guy is so damn sexy, attractive and gentlemanly that a short bus dude like yourself has no hope whatsoever. None. Nada. Niente. You know so little compared to what this man knows that even in your BEST fantasies, you could never hope to come close to him.
I have to wonder if there was a man present in your home while you were growing up. If there was, he must have been an abusive bastard with no respect for women. But, I think he was long gone after he noticed the queer manner in which your mother cared for you. Your dad was probably trying to avoid a Bates Motel type situation. I picture you as the baby in a family full of girls who, along with mommy, spoiled you rotten in a way that made you believe that you were entitled to get anything that you wanted from women...no matter what you had to do to get it.
You learned very early how to manipulate women. I wouldn't necessarily assume that sisters who spoil a manipulative little brat boy are stupid. But your sisters must have been. Intelligence is a genetic trait that is so absent in you that I doubt your sisters have much more. So, since your sisters were morons, you think that all women must be just as stupid.
Obviously, you think that I am stupid. If you didn't believe that, you wouldn't have written the silly little threats and stupid comments that you wrote, nor would have thought that your disrespectful "come on lines" would have worked. Also, I find it fascinating how you state the opposite of the truth so often:
"...You missed out some quality time..."
"...I'm not a nut case..."
"...I'm not desperate..."
Your ice comment proved that I didn't miss a damn thing except a waste of my time and the other comments are hysterical when taken in the context of the rest of your emails.
By the way, I have never, nor would I ever want to know what the heck THIS means:
"...My penis can sing tunes you have never heard before..."
In closing, I'd like to say that you're right...one does need to be open to new experiences. Unfortunately for you, screwing an egomaniacal perv with absolutely NO respect for women would NOT be a new experience for me. I did that when I was 23...so...as I said before, go find yourself a 23 year old and leave the real women for the real men.
Sincerely,
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:12 AM
5 Comments:
What kind of a guy doesn't like sluts, anyhow? Hell, I married one! Of course, now we're getting a divorce after 12 years. Once all the dust settles, I'll probably be looking for another slut. Hell... Peter is probably a Peter Puffer from the way it sounds. His calling you a slut as if that's something bad... blasphemy!
Excellent point. What do they call men who screw a bunch of women? Don Juan? A jigelow?
They don't sound near as bad as slut.
VERY GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR!
I CONGRATULATE
Humor?! I hope you meant Meg, as I certainly was not joking!
On a different note, Meg, you have a good point. A man who sleeps around can be labeled a number of ways depending upon context. He may indeed be a Don Juan or, better yet, a lady's man Those terms imply a bit of class. But if you're down with the boys in the 'hood and you sleep around, you're a dog.
As for giggolo... have you seen the movie, "Deuce Bigalow Male Giggolo"? Best piece of work Rob Schneider has ever done, which is a dubious distinction, I will admit. But a giggolo is a "kept man". In its truest sense, he may also be known as a boy toy, usually for some rich bitch. Contrast that with what Deucey and his magical mangina become... a man-whore, who does indeed pleasure a variety of women for money. Oh... Mangina?... that's what man-whores call their he-pussy.
Mangina?
LOLOLOL.
You're comment reminded me of Sharon Stone in that gangster movie where she told the short dude (who played My Cousin Vinnie) that she needed a "new sponsor".
That's one way to put it!
I still can't get over the mangina...that's so stupid it's funny.
Meg
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