OK then...

...I have been directed to write about sex. That's a direction I can take.

I haven't actually HAD sex since my fuck buddy's last visit and who knows how long it'll be before he comes back? So, I have to go on memory. Actually, this is cool because I had been thinking that my bedroom picnic really DID deserve more than one post. So, this'll work.

While I was banging that guy, I noticed something. He was sweating like a pig all over me and our bellies were smacking each other. He was making that "Swish" sound that you get from the sweat filled suction of two torsos coming together in a rapid and forceful fashion. I was with my ex for years and the only time I remember him sweating was when he mowed the lawn. He stunk like a sweaty dude, but he never worked up a sweat making love to me. And, his belly didn't smack any thing. It jiggled. I was just happy that he kept hismassive weight off of me. He outweighs me by more than double. I could get lost in his spare tire.

Not all guys keep their weight off of a lady, which is what inspired the term "smother fucker".
I had it published here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Smother%20Fucker&defid=2013476

...so that no one else could ever take credit for it.

I coined that term as I was porking a short fat dude who wouldn't keep his weight off of me. Talk about rude. And don't even ask, I'm not sure myself why I was balling a roly-poly guy. But one day, the last time I boinked his fat ass, I laid there thinking, "This guy could smother me and as much attention as he seems to be paying to me, I could be dead for a while before he noticed."

Then I started thinking what an ass he was and I thought about him being a moron, a pig and a mother fucker. That's when it occurred to me that I was being smother fucked. And that made him a smother fucker. If I HAVE to post the rules on my bed, I will. No anal sex, no calling me Mommy or yourself Daddy and ABSOLUTELY no smother fucking.

I could have let him finish, it would have been easier than what I did but I couldn't help myself. I pushed his behemoth ass off of me and got dressed. It was MY house and I still got dressed. I didn't want there to be any misunderstanding. I was closing the amusement park for the time being and I didn't know when I'd be back in business, but I knew this…I would NOT be catering to this jack ass. Naturally a guy who is dumb enough to smother fuck a chick is going to say something to the effect of, "I can knock one out in 3 minutes, c'mon, let me try!"

Yeah, right. NEXT.

Obviously sweating during sex is a good thing. (Only if you're clean to begin with, my ex's pungent form of body odor was like a garlic necklace, it kept EVERYTHING away.) My fuck buddy dude was working hard enough to earn every single drop of sweat that fell down on me. It was everywhere. It was falling in my face, on my chest and a LOT was falling on me every time we smacked bellies. When you add in my own sweat, I was one sweaty chick.

That's when I decided to get on top and sweat all over him. I couldn't produce the massive quantity of sweat that he had produced, but it wasn't for lack of effort. I know I did get him, though. I personally watched two drops of my sweat fall in his face. I never checked to see if there was any falling from my nipples. Damn. I'll have to look next time.

So, when the Holiday Season rolls around, I think I'll send a card that says, "My Holiday wish for you is a lot of sweaty, belly slapping sex."

I can't think of any better gift to give someone.