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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

I'm dreadfully frightened...

...and I don't know what to do. That's why I haven't been here lately. My daughter wants me to stay alive so I'm trying to do that, but I don't really enjoy it. I wake up every single morning and think, "Crap...I'm still here." I get scared again and I hate that feeling. The daylight just reminds me that I should be doing something useful instead of worrying but I haven't a clue what to do.

I couldn't feel anymore alone than I feel right now. I need a reason to keep going and I can't come up with any except for my kids. They're busy living their own life and I don't see anything for me to do except wait for them to need me for something. They rarely do.

I don't know when I went from being a valuable person to being one that really has little worth but I do feel like I'm a drain on the natural resources of the planet. I am so behind in my bills that I don't know how I'll ever get caught up and I don't have a clue where to start or who to ask for help.

When I was a kid and my father would tell me to clean up the house I would look at the mess and think, "How will I ever get this cleaned up?" My father would say, "Pick up one thing and put it where it belongs and then come back and do it again." I've been trying to fix my life that same way but nothing seems to work for me. If I could get caught up one time, I feel as though I could handle it but I've gotten into such a deep hole that I don't know what to pick up first and every time I bend over to pick something up I trip and drop two more things.

I don't remember the last time I bought myself food. I have to be sure that the animals have something to eat so I do that. It's easy for me to do that because when I'm as scared as I am, I can't eat anyway. Eating is now just another chore that I can't quite muster.

It would be much easier if I knew that there was someone who needed me but I can't think of a soul who would know if I disappeared. That makes it very easy to consider checking out but I can't do that to my kids. I've always thought that suicide was the coward's way out but now I'm sorry that I was so hard on people who were too tired to go on trying to think of a reason to survive another day. It's bad enough to be without positive things in life but when the balance tips and you become a drain on society, how does a responsible person justify their own continued existence?

How do people in nursing homes deal with that life? I see how it would be very easy to slip into confusion...living in another time is ever so much nicer than living in the present day. The past was secure to me and I want to go back. All of my friends are there as was my mother and the other family members that I loved to spend time with. Now my friends are all in different states and my family has mostly died out so that all I have left is my children. Even my own husband is gone and I'm still here by myself. I don't even get any email lately.

All I need is a reason to go on after I type this sentence.

I'll find one, I always do.

Oh, I remember...my dog. Damn, that little guy is a life-saver in so many ways.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not alone believe me. Life has taught me many lessons. So were
very good and some were very harsh. But all for my growth. I think of how
a Diamond Ring is made. Both the gold and the stone are rough and not
very shiny. But to form the ring the gold must be heated to 2000 degrees
to be molded. The stone must then be cut. After molding it still does not
shine so it must be buffed. It’s a very harsh process but look what is produced
as a result. I have found nothing good ever came from the times in my life where
everything was fine. It felt great but what did I benefit? Did I grow or improve my
character during those times. It’s in times like this we must understand it’s for
our own good. We are growing and learning and sometimes that’s very painful.
But from it character is produced. If everything was fine all the time then something
bad happened how would we deal with it? It’s your character through lifes experiences
that carries you. But know your not alone. Many are enduring what your enduring.
Understand your obligations to those you love. How much they lean on you. Fight for
them. Hang in their only a little more ways to go and this will be over. Be a rose among
the thorns’ and always trust Jesus. He is always many steps ahead of you. He see’s
what you can’t on the horizon. It will work out just hang in their and have faith. And
just remember that others remembered you.

June 04, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Find someone to have sex with at least once a week. You would be surprised at how much that will help your over all mood.

June 04, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meg, you are thinking too much. That is never a good thing...lol...
Stop being so hard on yourself and go find somewhere where you can do some volunteer work. Reading for the Aged, perhaps? Do something where you are in the company of others. You never know, people are full of information, go talk to them. There is much to glean.

If there is a food kitchen in your area, go get yourself a warm meal. I think this is one of your main problems, you are not eating properly, if any at all. A warm meal in your stomach does wonders for the psyche.
While you are at the food kitchen, volunteer to help too. It will keep you from thinking too much crap.
Get out of your house and go smell the roses.

Oh, and call your Dad and tell him you need some money. Sometimes we just have to swallow our pride!

I was so enjoying what that first Anon wrote about "rough stones, polishing, buffing and being shiny" then it turned into religion....too bad.

June 04, 2009  

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