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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

10 Tried and True Helpful Hints For Raising Children

1. When a kid wants to stay home from school, make him/her/it stay in bed without a TV, computer or video games. A kid too sick to go to school is too sick for anything else. Also, stick to the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, apples and toast). By noon they will be begging to go back to school. Unless of course, they're really sick, in which case you have done the exact right thing.

2. When a kid doesn't do an assigned chore, don't do a thing at the time. Sooner or later they will ask you for something. For example, if they fail to do the dishes when asked, wait until they want to go to the mall. Tell them that you would love to take them, but, unfortunately, you don't have time because you have to do the dishes that they didn't do earlier.

3. When a kid whines after you ask him/her/it what time they'll be home, rephrase the question. Ask them, "If you should be tied up, gagged and stuffed in the trunk of madman's car, how long should I wait before I call the police?"

4. If your kid doesn't finish dinner, let it go. Then, when the little weasel asks for a Ho-Ho...under NO circumstances give it to him/her/it.

5. When a kid lies to you, lie right back. Say that there is a 20 dollar bill hidden in the living room and if they clean the room really, really well, they'll find it. After the room is impeccably clean and they have found no cash, say, "I lied. I thought that we were playing by YOUR rules now."

6. When a kid writes on the wall, give them a damp washcloth and tell them to clean it. Do NOT put soap on the washcloth. After about a half an hour or so, let them stop, spray 409 on the spot and wipe it off with the washcloth.

7. Anytime a kid says, "I'm bored!", happily give them something to do. Depending upon their age, cleaning under kitchen tables, washing windows and pulling weeds are great deterrents to boredom.

8. When a kid says they don't like what you've made for dinner, tell them that dinner is for nourishment, not for enjoyment. If they like it, cool. If they don't, tough nuts.

9. If a kid refuses to flush the toilet, aim properly or replace the used toilet paper roll, get a screwdriver and remove the lid...seat and all. Tell them that they get the lid back when they learn to use the toilet properly.

10. When driving and the kids are making too much noise, even after you've asked them nicely to be quiet, simply stick a CD of your favorite songs in the car stereo, pump up the volume and sing, sing, sing!


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