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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

How not to woo a potential girlfriend

This birthday card my be appropriate in some situations, but no woman wants to receive it after 4 dates and before sex:

When the subject of porn comes up and the lady says she has never seen a porno flick, never push a button on your remote that immediately brings up a porno flick...no matter how funny you may think it is.

As tough as it may be, walk into a grocery store and then walk down the one aisle containing the one item you came for...motorized grocery carts do nothing to impress a woman. If you can't walk for 4 minutes, there's little chance of you being able to go to the beach, go out dancing, go bowling or do anything else fun.

When you take a woman out for her birthday, do NOT buy a bucket of beer and the tell your date, "We can stay until the beer is gone." Besides appearing cheap, the lady may prefer a glass of wine. She may even want to stay longer than it takes her to drink 2 beers and for you to drink 3.

When in public with a new woman, do not continuously hug, kiss or ass slap her. Allow the lady to approach you with PDA's.

When your date is eating at your place, do not tell her to share her dinner with your dog. Oh, and don't tell the chick to kiss your dog either...especially when the dog's water bowl is your toilet.

Do not invite a lady over to watch TV and then insist on watching Swamp People.

Oh yeah...never invite a lady to your place wearing baggy shorts and suspenders. Suspenders may be cute with a shirt on, but wearing them alone with shorts makes one look like a redneck.

Never ask a new lady friend to apply triple anti-biotic ointment to an oozing sore on your lower abdomen. (Actually, you'd be better off not mentioning it at all.

There are more, but these are all that I can remember from the dude I hung out with in June.

I remembered a few more:

Do NOT leave an angry message on woman's phone, especially when the phone belongs to her father. "You're full of shit." is no way to win friends and influence people.

When picking up a lady at her father's house, do not sit in your car and honk the horn. That wouldn't work if I were alone, but it's a HUGE mistake when my father is inside with me.

Never, ever lie to a woman about your health problems...especially if that woman is a nurse.

Do NOT your date to "dig" splinters out of your feet.

Don't invite a chick to your house after you've dumped a weeks worth of coffee ground and filters in your kitchen sink.

OH! And most important...do not ask a lady to sit on a couch that has a 9 MM gun under the cushion. I may not have a bubble butt, but my skinny ass is no match for a bullet. Besides, it makes me wonder what's under YOUR chair cushion...an uzi?

I just woke up so give me a while to remember some more lame attempt at courting in the condo I shall never return to.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't see the card!

July 10, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Man: May I buy you a cocktail?

Woman: Alcohol is bad for my legs.

Man: Do the swell?

Woman: No. They spread.

July 10, 2011  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it rather cute.

ATL misses you Meg.

July 29, 2011  

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