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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Interesting little tidbit...

...I seem to be developing agoraphobia. It's not a fear in itself, it's more of an extension of my usual, every day fears that have plagued me since I was a little girl. I remember having that butterfly in the tummy feeling as a kid for little, if any, reason whatsoever. It was the same feeling you'd get if there really was a problem or something real to worry about. It's one thing to be stressed over something real, you might be able to fix that. But a fear of nothing particularly rational can't really be tackled. I don't need a reason to be afraid but it certainly helps. As a kid, I had some fears that I had no control over. One example is an empty refrigerator. If I opened the fridge and it was empty, I would feel a hideous fear. I can't explain the feeling any better than most people do, like being on a roller coaster...you know, as that first hill pulls you up to the curve that will lead you to a huge descent down the first hill on the ride. Anyway, this latest increase in anxiety has caught my attention.

The fear is rather debilitating because you're constantly afraid that whatever you do will just end up all botched up, leading to further disarray which in itself makes a fertile ground for angst. An extremely uncomfortable, acute and constant sense of  impending doom follows me around night and day. I'm not sure why this is getting so bad right now but it can't be good for anyone. I have too many things that I want and need to do; I can't let an irrational fear rule me as this fear seems to be doing. Whatever, the worst that can happen is the stress explodes a blood vessel in my brain and I croak. When it comes to croaking, I have the same thoughts as did Socrates...death is either an heavenly place where people would live forever with the Gods or it was nothing but a long sleep, either way, he didn't find it frightening. It's odd, but I'm not afraid of death, supposedly the worst thing that could happen, but the thought of going out the front door is daunting.

Anyway, not counting the sudden increase of my anxiety issues, I'm doing well. That last stroke left me with some deficits that I've been able to overcome by just using the afflicted body parts but one thing is still causing problems. It's my short  term memory. If a friend of mine goes to the store after checking to see if I need anything and then telling me that he'll be right back as he walks out the door, in 10 minutes I'll be walking  around trying to find him. Then I think to myself, "Remember how nuts you are? He must  have already left for the store." Try as I might, I can't remember him walking out the door. I guess if you KNOW you're nuts, you're still OK. This should be interesting to experience...stay tuned in occasionally and see if I end up like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon. If you should note any decline in my online demeanor, please let me know.



Blogger Tundra Woman said...

Can't possibly imagine why your anxiety level is through the roof, Little One. ;)
Yep. Short term memory. Strokes do that. Then you're sure you're loosing your mind. Which ups the anxiety and ensures you remember even less.
I used stickies. I still have a kids "assignment pad" that I keep in my handbag. For when I go to the grocery store for three items and come home with three items. Just not the ones I needed.
Any med changes? Review what you're already taking, Meggers. Those side effects have a way of sneaking up on ya.
So you're out of bed pan alley?

September 17, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nah you seem like your usual sultry self.
I looked up agoraphobia once somewhere and the definition was something like the fear of leaving to run errands because you are sure that you will make it home in a worse state than when you left.
I am paraphrasing, but it was something like that.
I have never found it explained like that again. I look at every reference book I find and it's the usual generic psychological definitions of fear of blah blah blah.
My point is the way you describe is more like that.
If that is agoraphobia, I have it too.

September 18, 2012  

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