How do I do it?
Yesterday I was asked, "How do you get yourself in to these predicaments?" I immediately thought that it was a good question. It's not that I haven't asked myself that same thing, but yesterday it just struck me as something that deserved to be pondered and put down in writing...for the benefit of others as well as my own.
It's been my experience that whatever your issue is, you can assume that many others are having the same issue stressing them out as well. The Internet has proven that point. This blog has proven it to me, over the years, many people have written to say that they were experiencing the same things that I was experiencing. Therefore, I assume that some of you have some of the issues that I plan to discuss. With any luck at all, it will help someone.
I've been thinking about the question and I think it boils down to the fact that I'm too trusting. I do the dumbest things, things that, in hindsight are embarrassing to put out here. The following is a perfect example:
The other day a guy wanted to borrow 60 bucks from me. I said that I couldn't access it until I went to the store and used the ATM. He convinced me that he needed it now and he talked me out of my card and my PIN. He stole hundreds of dollars from me that day...all taken out from an ATM on Racetrack Road.
I can't think of a word that does justice to the stupidity of my behavior. In hindsight, I did something that I myself would call another person an idiot for doing. But, at the time I handed over my card, I just couldn't imagine that the dude would rob me. He knew that the money was from the state, given to me so that I could relocate out of the area of the guy in the mugshot below. It was all I had. I wanted to go to the Goodwill today and buy some clothes but I can't do that now. I wanted to buy something for a grandson's second birthday. I have no further money coming in and no hopes of receiving any money in the foreseeable future. How could anyone take advantage of a person like that? It just never occurred to me that anyone could do that.
Rick did so many things that would point to him being an adulterer and if I were on Jerry Springer's stage, the audience would break out in uncontrollable guffaws when Rick gave them the same lame excuses I fell for. It just never occurred to me that the man I was married to would lie to me about something so serious. Surely the man I loved and respected wasn't a cowardly, lying cheat...and a cruel one at that. No, that can't be.
Most recently, I dealt with another manipulative bully. He called everyone I knew including my ex-husband, my children and every friend he had access to, whether it be from my phone, his phone that I may have borrowed or the minute I actually friended him on Facebook. He actually spoke to the doctors when I was in the hospital. He did it on a Monday and afterwards, every single staff member treated me differently. The doctors had a very angry affect that they seemed to restrain with difficulty. The nurses weren't any better. I'll never know what he told the doctors and I'll never know what he told my kids. One of them hasn't spoken to me since the last time Walter called them. Every single time he did something atrocious, he would spend days blaming me for the most recent nastiness.
At some point, I couldn't take anymore of that, but while I was there, I bought the stupid "reasons" for his behavior. Usually he just denied it but if he couldn't, he would have some excuse or another...either his health was bad, he was off his meds, his mother was in a nursing home and then, when she passed away I didn't even want to stick around to see what he would excuse with her death.
So, basically, I guess I'm an idiot. I admit it and they say that's half the problem.
One last thing, I have trouble saying. "No." People who know me for any length of time know that and many of them take advantage of it.
Now, I must finish with this, I take too much and then when I'm ready to blow, I do. I've given the guy who robbed me until he "gets off work at 6" and then I'm calling the cops. The way I feel right now, I may not even wait.
It's been my experience that whatever your issue is, you can assume that many others are having the same issue stressing them out as well. The Internet has proven that point. This blog has proven it to me, over the years, many people have written to say that they were experiencing the same things that I was experiencing. Therefore, I assume that some of you have some of the issues that I plan to discuss. With any luck at all, it will help someone.
I've been thinking about the question and I think it boils down to the fact that I'm too trusting. I do the dumbest things, things that, in hindsight are embarrassing to put out here. The following is a perfect example:
The other day a guy wanted to borrow 60 bucks from me. I said that I couldn't access it until I went to the store and used the ATM. He convinced me that he needed it now and he talked me out of my card and my PIN. He stole hundreds of dollars from me that day...all taken out from an ATM on Racetrack Road.
I can't think of a word that does justice to the stupidity of my behavior. In hindsight, I did something that I myself would call another person an idiot for doing. But, at the time I handed over my card, I just couldn't imagine that the dude would rob me. He knew that the money was from the state, given to me so that I could relocate out of the area of the guy in the mugshot below. It was all I had. I wanted to go to the Goodwill today and buy some clothes but I can't do that now. I wanted to buy something for a grandson's second birthday. I have no further money coming in and no hopes of receiving any money in the foreseeable future. How could anyone take advantage of a person like that? It just never occurred to me that anyone could do that.
Rick did so many things that would point to him being an adulterer and if I were on Jerry Springer's stage, the audience would break out in uncontrollable guffaws when Rick gave them the same lame excuses I fell for. It just never occurred to me that the man I was married to would lie to me about something so serious. Surely the man I loved and respected wasn't a cowardly, lying cheat...and a cruel one at that. No, that can't be.
Most recently, I dealt with another manipulative bully. He called everyone I knew including my ex-husband, my children and every friend he had access to, whether it be from my phone, his phone that I may have borrowed or the minute I actually friended him on Facebook. He actually spoke to the doctors when I was in the hospital. He did it on a Monday and afterwards, every single staff member treated me differently. The doctors had a very angry affect that they seemed to restrain with difficulty. The nurses weren't any better. I'll never know what he told the doctors and I'll never know what he told my kids. One of them hasn't spoken to me since the last time Walter called them. Every single time he did something atrocious, he would spend days blaming me for the most recent nastiness.
At some point, I couldn't take anymore of that, but while I was there, I bought the stupid "reasons" for his behavior. Usually he just denied it but if he couldn't, he would have some excuse or another...either his health was bad, he was off his meds, his mother was in a nursing home and then, when she passed away I didn't even want to stick around to see what he would excuse with her death.
So, basically, I guess I'm an idiot. I admit it and they say that's half the problem.
One last thing, I have trouble saying. "No." People who know me for any length of time know that and many of them take advantage of it.
Now, I must finish with this, I take too much and then when I'm ready to blow, I do. I've given the guy who robbed me until he "gets off work at 6" and then I'm calling the cops. The way I feel right now, I may not even wait.
posted by Meg Kelso | 12:02 PM
7 Comments:
Meg, I also have made some incredibly naive mistakes when deciding to trust people. I have a pretty high IQ, and you obviously do too. I have a slight degree of Asperger's (high-functioning autism) within my personality makeup, and I've been told that this condition leads Aspies to take people literally at their word unquestioningly since we mean what WE say. Do you think you may have some aspects of this condition?
Meg, There's all different kinds of abuse, particularly in childhood. Respectfully, if your father was physically abusive, there's invariably emotional/psychological abuse as well and yes, these "parents" *do* leave a Legacy that follows us into our adult lives. Many "kids" live in a hell of a different variety long after they've left home. It's hard initially to make the connections, but they're definitely there and how they manifest themselves are as unique as each one of us. If you grew up feeling like you were walking on eggshells (or glass shards) it doesn't matter if you were physically "hit" or "Disciplined;" burns scar over, broken bones mend, bruises fade. The emotional/psychological is far more enduring.
The "Smear Campaign" is a very typical response from the FOO and the "Parents" particularly when the AC (adult child) starts limiting contact (or terminating the relationshit(s) all together) or speaking their truths. If you're looking for confirmation/support, the LAST place you're gonna get it from is your "family." The backlash is as predictable as the sun rising in the East and right out of the Cluster B "Parental Handbook." As long as you remain the "Problem" or the Identified Patient, the FOO will continue to pile-on, denigrate and sabotage all your attempts to differentiate or horror-of-horrors, request to be treated with dignity and respect as a human being. The Trifecta of Cluster B Parent(s)/FOOs occurs when they get the Scapegoat AC to commit suicide: This becomes confirmation that the AC was the "Problem," they can bask in all the attention of their (faux) "Grief" over the AC's death AND they "get rid of the problem." You'd be surprised at the numbers of ACs who have attempted suicide secondary to all the crap that piles up (especially as we age) and have used a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with this crap. Of course this just reinforces the FOO's nasty ass characterization of the AC.
I found my way to you via an ACoN Blog and here's a few you might want peruse: Narcissists Suck (by Anna V), What Makes Narcissists Tick (by the late, great Kathy K) and of course, Q's RumblestripQ: Backstage Pass for the (etc.) For just a quick read, take a look at Harpy's Child and change the gender.
Please take a look at them as well as their links, OK? Thanks to technology none of us ACs are hanging out alone or isolated with our reality and the Legacy of growing up under these Regimes. Everyday, people in their 20's to their 60's and beyond are finding their way "Home." It's not a matter of "Blaming" so much as Accountability and Truth. It also helps to sort out the genesis of so much of the chaos and unstable/abusive relationships etc. in our adult lives.
Good luck, Little One. The old widow with the geriatric cat here in The Tundra are rootin' for ya, FWIW.
TW
"...take people literally at their word unquestioningly since we mean what WE say."
AAAAAHHHHH! OMG...EXACTLY!
"As long as you remain the "Problem" or the Identified Patient, the FOO will continue to pile-on, denigrate and sabotage all your attempts to differentiate or horror-of-horrors, request to be treated with dignity and respect as a human being."
AAAAAAHHHH! OMG again. You two have just described my life to a perfect TEE!!! It's pretty scary and I have some studying to do. I knew I was the scapegoat, but that was only my word for it borne out of my own experience. I never really considered all the consequences. I must.
I want to punch every single person that took advantage of you. Line them up. I'm serious :)
I think it's a disgrace to those people that they took advantage of you. You. A smart, funny, engaging, lovely woman.
What does this say about people? It says that there are people in the world who are just total A-Holes.
You need only one good friend in your real life. Just one. Pick somebody. I can't believe there aren't people lining up to be your BFF.
But really, pick just ONE person to be your BFF. And tell her ('cause it'll probably be a woman. We kinda rock like that :)
everything. Be an open book. And if she's a BFF she'll be the same with you.
You need one good friend, one good person in your life to be your sounding board, your guardian when you need it, and your devil's advocate.
A true friend won't hold judgment, will value your soul and personality, and will never hold those against you.
Find a confident person. A kind person. A flawed person, but flawed in ways that don't hurt anyone else.
In short, find you in another person.
And if they fall short, if they challenge you in ways that make you feel less than whole and happy despite things going wrong in your life, run like hell.
But keep looking. I know you are.
BIG hugs from Canada :)
Thank you. From the fingers that I type this with to the tears that blur the keys, thank you. I want a friend.
OK, I am not setting out to "man bash" but in my experience (and maybe it's because I always chose losers) the way men react when they are guilty of something is make it the fault of their partner. My husband did it to me for 17 years, it tool 15 to see and to understand the pattern. I don't know why they do it. As you probably know this is just another form of abuse. It isn't physical but I sometimes wonder if I would have preferred to be hit rather than endure 17 years of thinking I was "less than". I think the emotional and psychological toll may be significantly higher.
You are not the problem. You are the victim. I too am way to trusting and it has come back to bite me in the ass more times than I can count. Virtually every friendship I have ever had ended in them screwing me over. A friend told me that it is a matter of them feeling inadequate as they catalog all the nice things one has done for them. It gets to be too much for them and they strike back.
I have been told to learn how to say no. To stop being trusting and to "get tough". I don't want to live that way so while I will attempt to guard myself, I would still prefer to be the same overly trusting, optimistic fool with a habit of giving people the short off my back or my last dollar.
"...the way men react when they are guilty of something is make it the fault of their partner. My husband did it to me for 17 years, it tool 15 to see and to understand the pattern. I don't know why they do it. As you probably know this is just another form of abuse. It isn't physical but I sometimes wonder if I would have preferred to be hit rather than endure 17 years of thinking I was "less than". I think the emotional and psychological toll may be significantly higher."
Exactly. I used to listen as my father would give me a two hour lecture that I had to stand up for. I remember thinking, "Just take off your belt and whip me with it, this is far more painful.
As far as abusive men blaming things on us, they do it because they need to. If they don't blame YOU, how can they live with themselves? The biggest sign of Rick cheating was he treated ME like shit and got angry at whatever I did. My other ex would start a fight when he got home from work and by the time I got angry, he got me to say, "Just leave." And he did. I started telling him to leave as soon as he got home so that we could skip the fight.
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