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Tuesday, April 02, 2013

The Relationship Circles

A lady named Cindy left a comment that she didn't want published but she DID want my response in a post so that she could copy and paste it into an email and send it to her husband. She decided to do it like this because she said that I put her feelings into words when I talk about myself and that I make sense to her. She doesn't think she could explain it to her husband any better than could I...so she came up with this plan. She has OK'd this post so I'm fine publishing it.

Apparently, a young lady named Cindy (and that IS her real name, she wants to be able to show this to her husband and tell him exactly how this came about. She wanted me to use his real name but I won't do that so I asked her to come up with a name that he WOULD recognize when I discuss him. That name is Wayne and of course, it has nothing to do with my brother.) has some issues with her husband of 3 years. Apparently, Wayne loves Fox News so Cindy wants me to consider that when replying.

For the first few months of their marriage, Wayne would help clean up after dinner. He did a crappy job, but he DID make the effort. He would take out the trash, occasionally pull out a vacuum cleaner and even wash a window or two. Over the course of the marriage, he has slowly evolved into someone who:

A. Never helps anymore.
B. Bitches at Cindy about the mess.

I compare this to what our government is doing, slowing taking away our rights in little bits at a time. They wouldn't do it in one fell swoop, we would never allow it. But like the media "floats" a story about one issue or another (Hillary Clinton used this tactic when deciding whether or not she should run for the Senate. The media floated the story and it went forward from there.) The media floats stories for the government in many ways. They flood us with stories about the evils of this or that in their perpetual attempts to frighten us into allowing things like The Patriot Act which actually allows for further smacks at civil rights. My grandparents wouldn't recognize America if they came back today. We've become desensitized a little bit at a time and we have today's America.

Women (and of course some men) allow a controlling spouse to slowly do the same thing to them only in a marriage...and consider THIS...you're adding love to the manipulative situation. (Not to mention all the other emotions they feel, all the needs they need fulfilled and other desires that make them feel attached to the one that they married.) Love, needs, desires...these all allow the controlling spouse to manipulate the less powerful spouse as our government and the media try to manipulate the populace.

I like to think of a marriage as the merging of two circles. They merge and create a new entity that I'll call "Their space". Their space is what exists as the two people decide to share the circles of their own lives. If you made it online with Paint and very little artistic patience, the marriage would look like this:

Notice that the circles don't overlap completely. You still have two complete circles with two "spaces" left after the formation of a third entity, the aforementioned "Their space". People and couples can fill spaces with whatever they find important and worthy. No one person can meddle in the space of another unless they happened to be affecting another space, shared or personal. The only given here is that ALL space should be filled with respect.

Now, keeping that in mind, make decisions. Decide what is important to you and realize the fact that you have the right to your feelings. You aren't an idiot, you know if your feelings have been hurt or not. Feelings are what they are, neither good nor bad, they simply are. Don't let anyone tell you that you're being ridiculous when you voice your feelings. How can that even be possible? If you had a broken leg, you would know it hurts and no one could argue with you. Just because hurt feelings don't require a cast doesn't mean they don't hurt.

Something that I've mentioned before, be careful about what you do. I mean that in the way of household tasks. I had a husband and two sons and I never took out the trash. I learned that when every time I gave in and did something ONE time, it became my job from then forward. It seems the entire family adopted a "Mom will do it." attitude after they saw me doing a chore. So, be careful before you mow the lawn (that was mentioned specifically in the original comment) because if you can do it once, why can't you do it again? And again? And again?

So basically, the answer to your question is this, you're right, you're not imagining it. He absolutely is doing his best to control and manipulate you. Is he doing it on purpose? I can't say. I sort of doubt it, I think he just learned his behavior somewhere. It would be interesting to see how his father treats his mother or his brothers treat their wives. I guess some people do this maliciously but usually it's simply a matter of doing what they know. Wayne has his own reasons for acting like this and remember, he can't do it if you don't allow it. But you have to recognize the actual problem before you can address it. So, perhaps this answer is full of less practical information than you had hoped for...but it gives you something else, a foundation upon where to start. If Wayne truly loves you, he'll listen to you and allow for the fact that he could make life easier for you, just as you try to do for him.

Let me know what happens. :):):)


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