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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Questions asked by living attorney's...well mostly

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Blogger q1605 said...

If my lawyers all had brains they would have taken them out and played with them.

May 16, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

You know, if I can be brutally honest here, I was raised by one attorney and I raised another one. My father has always been a jerk. My friends were always afraid of him and I've heard the hideous things he says about my dead mother. My mother wasn't perfect, but she was forgiving and considerate of others. My father has never been so. My 3 kids are all bright, but only one became an attorney. Unfortunately, he's more like my father, he can't think out of the box, he refuses to forgive anyone for anything (because wrong is wrong!) and he became an attorney because when he was growing up, he loved to be a jerk and argue with anyone. I would tell him, if you love argueing so much, you should be a lawyer and learn HOW to argue. So, basically, he's an ass too. Go figure. My other 2 kids are much more human than the lawyer has the ability to be. Maybe because they aren't perfect little over educated dicks. It's fascinating to watch what makes a person a lawyer. Being an asshole makes you a better lawyer.

May 17, 2013  
Blogger Tundra Woman said...

Ms. Meg, I don't know where you found these but here's some possibilities:
Vignette #1: The illustrious Jodi A. Considering what she did to the boyfriend in "Self-Defense," I can't imagine what she woulda done to the guy if he has been her "DH:" Completely decapitated him? Stabbed him 60 times? Brought a chainsaw to the massacre?
Vignette #5: The illustrious Ms. Fishlips regarding her off-spring about 30 yrs. from now. See, she's "so brave" she was able to access health care the rest of us can't afford by virtue of her status as a "UN Ambassador" for children. Considering she purchased a boat-load of 'em, she is absolutely qualified as an "Expert" on the International Rights of Children. As long as she doesn't have to provide the day in/day out care for 'em she's contributing to the economic engine of the US by employing all kinds of minimum (starvation) wage "nannies" etc. to do the real mothering/parenting. Which likely (in a "Silver Lining" kind of way) is actually in the kid's best interests. Considering the reality I grew up with a very affluent Walking Cluster B "mother" I'm pretty good at spotting them but cha don't have to grow up with it to identify it when it's that flagrant anyway.

Thanks for the laughs, Meg. BTW, what kind of attorney was your father-aside from the garden variety asshole? It's always good to hear from you and this old broad worries when you disappear for awhile. And your own kids? 2 outta 3 tells me ya done good, Ms. Meggers!

May 17, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

My dad did tax and real estate law. He was an accountant before he became a lawyer.

I do have good kids. I don't have to like them all. I certainly do love them. They are all happily married, educated and well employed and excellent parents. They aren't crooks, addicts or Jodi Arias types so I'm pleased at the job I did...and you know, it doesn't end when they grow up. The things they require changes as does your role as a mother. Even if one of them needs me to stay away, I can do that with pride because I DID raise his dumb ass and helped crate the man he is today. All I ever wanted was to raise independent, law-abiding, well adjusted happy kids. I did that and no one can ever take that away from me.

And Jodi Arias...what a hoot SHE is! She makes my little blog/gift to my cheating liar of an ex look like a Valentine!

May 17, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

To the anonymous partisan who doth protest too much...obviously you are sorely misinformed. Not one of you have the courage to find out the truth so carry on...I understand that some people are actually comfortable with their heads in the sand. I suppose I might fear the truth were I you, but I would certainly have been curious in a sort of, "I appreciate knowledge" sort of way.

Those who refuse to grant forums to others will get no forum here, especially when your faith in your own constititution is so shaky that you mask yourself like the Wizard of Oz.

And what are you doing here anyway? If I am truly the evil wench from hell, why would you chicken shits delight in your anemic attempts to annoy me? You would think you would fear me. Now run along, I'll see you when you realize how imperfect you are and some unjust, closed-minded, sheep of a jerk chooses to punish you longer than most murderers are punished. Have a lovely life and God willing, you will never have life slap you down.

Ask yourself one question...What would Jesus do?

May 17, 2013  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh gawd, might be the wine...but I think I am in love with you MEG! Well, at least your blog :) I wish I had found you*blog sooner. Are you back in chicago? you should be. chicago needs you. were you at the blackhawks thing?

June 28, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

I want to come back! Can't anyone come get me and bring mr back to VChi-town? I watched the Hawks win but I couldn't make it downtown!

June 28, 2013  

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