OK, OK, OK

I am feeling physically exhausted. I haven't said so much because I feel like such a jack ass. Let me tell you, when I look at my grandson working with one arm and getting things done...and he never complains...I feel even worse. But, looking at him is giving me strength because he faces so much every day he wakes up with a smile on his face. I should be able to face at least half a day with a smile on my face.

This is a pathetic decision isn't it? California or Florida. Life sucks.

Tomorrow is the court date in Florida. If I don't go, the charges will probably be dropped and if I'm ever abused in Tampa again, I can't call the police for help. If I get on the plane and go back, I will simply have to go to a hospital and turn myself in. At this point, if they wanted to arrest me for not showing up, I don't think I'd really care. At least I've have a place to go. The idea of being all alone with no place to go is just too frightening for me. In Florida, I'd have medicaid and I would be out of the way of everyone I care about. If I don't, I don't know what else to do. I have no place to go tomorrow and the last thing I want is to be a burden to anyone. The easiest thing in the world would be to kill myself but I don't have the ignorance that will let me do that. As I've said before, I can't do that to my kids and after spending so much time with my grandson, I couldn't do it to him.

Leaving Florida also meant leaving my medicine and now, when I'm more afraid than anything, I don't have any xanax. I'm exhausted, I can't sleep and I'm so embarrassed by all of it. I'm starting to think I need to go back, for medical reasons if nothing else.

OK, any questions? Any ideas? No...no one but you guys know what I'm going through because I can't drop my shit on anyone else.