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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

OK, this is starting to make sense

Ah...I get it

I figured out what I'm doing here. This place has some interesting characters and one extremely interesting autistic man. I never fail to speak with him, even if it's a rather one sided conversation. He's sort of like Rain Man. I like him because he listens.

There's also a sad group of folk. Some of them so obviously ill that it's actually rather sad that this is the best America has to offer them.

One other population hovers around, women with men who always seem to be berating them. At first you might think it's a lover's quarrel but after you ONLY see lover's quarrels, and unilaterally at that, you can see the ungodly control that one human being can maintain over another human being. I've been watching a rather obese, rather unpleasant to look at, rather stupid and flat to speak to, lady. She was also, unfortunately, rather unpleasant in the personality department. If I were all of the above, people would say, "Yeah, but damn, she's a nice lady!"

The guy was black and the chick was white. She's also much older than he. At first I had one of my sarcastic thoughts that never seem to get filtered between my head and my mouth. I had to repeat the thought to another black guy there at the time (one of the more peaceful, rational people here). So, I turned to him and said, "Some white guy should tell him that is one nasty white chick." Luckily, I chose the right person to share my caustic thought with. Too many go unspoken. His response stabbed me in the gut.

"Yeah, he's using her for her money." I took that to mean her Social Security or some such government assistance. If Walter had let me GET Social Security (by going through the entire process uninhibited), he probably would have taken that if he could have. All of a sudden I started empathizing with the lady who was, obviously, under the exact same sort of control that Walter used on me. I needed to see that.
I'm sure you wonder how a woman, especially a relatively bright woman, could allow somethng like this to happen. Well, first of all, it's insidious, persistant and relentless. I would think that a guy would get as exhausted as I did after a while of that much domineering, controlling and frightening. Secondly, if you are already IN a bad place, this can happen before you know it. They use the "idea" of offering help. Walter used to say he would buy me a car. Really? That nit-wit didn't even let me go out the front foor, I can't see him putting me in a car than could move.

I never had cash, Walter wouldn't have allowed that. If I had a few bucks, he didn't spend a dime on anything I needed until he made sure that I was broke again. It was all part, of course, of his need to keep me totally dependent on him. He even ruled my mind because he made it impossible to think of anything except avoiding an argument because they are not only EXTREMELY unpleasant, they demand time. If Walter left my mind alone long enough to think about an issue of mine for more than a fleeting moment...he created a crisis, whether it be an argument or just a visit to his parent's place so that I could help THEM. Being a nurse, Walter thought it my responsibilty to handle THEIR medical "disaster" du jour. Being a nurse, at first I did feel a responsibility to help, that is until I figured out that this was just more of Walter sucking the life out of me.

But after one incident when I was hired to care for the mother while the father was gone for a few days, I learned ONE SMALL lesson. When the father came back, Walter called me and told me to go over and get the money owed me for services rendered. He didn't even warn me that when I got there, all his father had for me was an accusation. They actually accused me of stealing 2,000 dollars out of a lock box. I later found out that Walter had stolen the money from his own father and then he let me take the rap for it. They actually called the police on me. Thank goodness for the fact that, since I DIDN'T take the money, there couldn't have been any evidence so I didn't worry. Even for the following months when Walter hung it over my head saying things like, "You better not try anything, my father is already wanting to call the cops on you and have you arrested for grand left and abuse of the elderly.!" Well, that only annoyed him, when I laughed at the threat. I never did get the money owed me but I did get my satisfaction a year later when I found a $2,000 bank cash wrapper in a bag in his car. It was actually dated, May14th, 2012 with a bank stamp. that was when this all happened. Anyway, the effect this all had is that I could never wrap my head around a solution and if I did, something STUPID always ensued. By the time I left, I hadn't even noticed that the me I'm familiar with had left.

On top of that he made everything that would have benefited ME harder at every single turn. My life was sinking deeper and deeper into a formidable wall banging operation. If I made a dentist appointment, if he couldn't get me to change it before the day of...he would simply start a fight with me that morning. If I applied for any type of assistance, he wouldn't allow me to have a mailbox. I DID get one, but he refused to take me there on the grounds that "The state's attorney might send a subpoena there." So, he made it impossible to get my mail, and even morso for me to apply for help that required correspondence of any sort. I needed eyeglasses but not once in two years did he offer to help me get a pair at any time. Doctors were out of the question because they're the ones who called the police after the last time he did a number on me. If I wanted to sit out front, that couldn't be because he didn't want the police to find me. Walter sat in front, not even in back with me. But, if I wanted to walk to the canal and sit by the water, he would follow me 100% of the time. He even called my Safelink phone every chance he got to take up my minutes to limit my world some more and to be sure that the voice mail was full. He did that nightly by calling me over and over until the box was full. NO ONE, especially the state's attorney, could get in touch with me. My depression and shame was so bad that I tried to kill myself this past Christmas. But eventually I well enough to actually get sick of a disease that was about to murder me and, as so many murderers do, blame it on my depression. Let me tell you, I am NOT suicidal right now. I wouldn't be in this shithole, struggling to get my life back if I wanted to be dead.So, if I turn up dead, don't buy that "she was suicidal" defense. If you doubt me, meet my grandson and tell me that I would leave him and his mother. Never.

Now, at the same time, he's telling me all sorts of stuff that tended to scare me into submission a bit. He would tell me that his attorney was "looking forward" to getting me on the stand so that she could "show every body the REAL" me. I was so unfamiliar with the real me that I didn't know enough not to be afraid of that.

This relationship was the perfect storm. It caught me at a time in my life when I was particularly vulnerable to this sort of...I don't even know what you call it but if I wasn't going through my own personal issues at the same time, he wouldn't have been able to get away with it for even the second meeting. I've dumped guys mid-date for much, much less atrocious behavior.

There was a time when all I had to do to get rid of a dude was ask him to take me to shoot pool...at my favorite neighborhood pub with a pool table. That's MY neighborhood bar, the one where I played in a pool league and hosted a stand-up show, I was always there 2 nights a week. Anyway, once the guy gave me a chance, I would ask a friend to get me out of there and give me a ride home. Now, that was only when I called an audible and was concerned with my safety. Sometimes, if I felt as though it could be put off until I could plan a meeting at Denny's, I would just meet them at Denny's, dump them, finish my Grand Slam and tool away in my own car. Why I had such a hard time with this fool, I don't know. I just know that my own fears made it easier to fall into the trap.

So, as I watch the guy berating that woman here, I see what was happening. Why is it always so obvious if it's happening to someone else? Now I'm just more determined to stay the course I chose a while back. The only thing that I can do is do my job as a witness in his prosecution, tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and let the justice system figure this one out. I sure haven't been making the best decisions for the last little bit


Blogger Tundra Woman said...

There it is, Meg. Word, woman.
I *PROMISE* it's gonna be OK-not right away, but it will.
I don't think any of us can see the whole mess in it's totality until we get out.
As you said, it doesn't happen over night and the mind-fuckery is unreal, "insidious" and never-ending.
Until you end it.

And ya didn't even need glasses to see it. ;)

June 07, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...


Great point! I may steal it. It's all good. Peace and quiet is quite welcome.


June 07, 2013  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of my old economics professor's liked to say that America has to be a very rich country to afford such poverty.

June 08, 2013  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what's illegal about the real you?
Have they legislated your existence into something that is illegal? NO court cares about seeing the real person, that's not why they exist they just hold people accountable for crimes they commit. Those are the kind of comments
that shows a guy who is totally full of shit. You still are afforded the luxury of the fifth amendment no matter what you did.

June 08, 2013  

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