Good morning!

It is cold and that is stupid. It is so cold that I should have nipple guards on. My daughter said that it was 20 degrees in Chicago yesterday but Chicago is pretty winter ready. The heating systems are much hardier and the people have winter clothes. When I moved to Virginia, the heater was an antique and it was in the floor with a large grate over it. I stepped on the grate once and it melted my shoes. It wasn’t very efficient at all. The other side of the house had another heater that was actually in the kitchen. There was a grate in the ceiling over it, allowing that heater to heat the bedroom above it. In the south, you don’t need the big giant coats and you certainly don’t need a scarf and gloves (most of the time anyway.) So, you aren’t really prepared to be so cold. When I lived in Chicago, I had a fur coat that would keep my body sweating even while my toes were frostbitten. So, it may not be as cold here, but I am always colder than I ever was in Chicago. I am just not prepared for this crap, especially in March. I do have a bra that will hide the fact that I am so cold, but it’s in the washing machine. Right now, you could take one look at me and tell that I am freezing.

Someone asked me an interesting question this morning:

Since you've been in both situations, let me ask you which is worse, not knowing what the future holds, or knowing that tomorrow will be exactly like today?

That got me thinking. First of all, I said that the way I was feeling wasn’t necessarily a bad thing so I don’t know why one would be worse than the other. But they each certainly have their pros and cons. Knowing what was going to happen tomorrow was a very secure feeling. I didn’t have to wonder how I would pay the bills and I worried much less. I had someone to take care of and I made sure there were three meals on the table and all of that stuff. I knew what I had to do and I did it. Now, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I worry all the time, not knowing how I will buy food and stuff like that. So, on the one hand, this is so scary I could cry. But that’s nothing new to me. I was TERRIFIED when I knew Rick was cheating. He denied it well enough for me to think that maybe he was right, I was insane. He told me he would leave me if I didn’t go to a psychiatrist to deal with my “trust issues”. That was ALL I needed than, another doctor, LOL. After a few visits, the doctor said that what was needed was marital counseling. Rick didn’t want to do that. At the time, I was also worried about whether or not I would survive. I lost 80 pounds (losing my boobs along the way) and it was pure hell.

I am still scared. I think I WILL survive, but I don’t know how. What I do know, however, is that something much better lies ahead and if I can make it until then, I will be just fine. Like I said before, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I realized that I HAVE accomplished a lot in my life. Most of what I accomplished occurred when I was single. (Except for my three beautiful children.) So, obviously, I should either stay single, or find a man who will challenge me to do more than help him watch the TV. When Rick was here, we would have the big move from the living room TV to the bedroom TV and that would be the activity for the evening. I don’t like TV. I haven’t watched anything on it (except the History channel and TVLand and the news) since they cancelled Mash. I did make an exception for Seinfeld, that was a great show. I watch the reruns even though I know the entire dialogue of every show. I still laugh, actually more, because I know what is coming and I begin to laugh in anticipation of it.

I guess the answer is that I prefer this more, only because I know what it was like being with Rick for the last few years. I would probably prefer the security more if I had a nice husband. I am alone again and I think that soon, I will be able to stop worrying about bills and begin to be an accomplished woman again. I know that when I am in the driver‘s seat, I accomplish much more than I ever did from the passenger’s seat. The bills are the worst of it and I have always worried about the bills to some extent.

So, that’s the answer, I like THIS more, if it weren’t for the bills, I would be ecstatic to be on my own again. It isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was, but after I shook off the pain of the actual split, like any other woman, I am better off without the albatross.

I can answer Stacey's question (from my limited perspective, anyway).If tomorrow is going to be exactly the same as today, I hope I die in my sleep.Anything has to be better than this.

Oh my word! I don’t know what problems you have, but death is such a permanent answer to whatever temporary BS life throws at you. E, let me know why you feel this way. Email me at MargaretB0629@aol.com, I‘ll give you my phone number and we can talk.

I can tell you Meg sounds like Janis Joplin without the Texas accent.

Really? I’ve heard that I sing like her, but I didn’t know I SPOKE like her.

I do, however, think it is nice to be able to share each new day with someone special and to have some idea of where my life is headed in a broad sense.

Yep. That would be my ideal.

Scaramouche! There's your answer to why I still read. I just learned a new term. Had to look it up.

You know, I just use the first word that comes into my head and sometimes I look at it and think that no one will know what it means. Then I think, “Let ‘em look it up. So I feel good about this comment. Edification is always a good thing.

When you are reading a letter or e-mail or in this case, a post, do you make a voice and face for the person. I mean, as you read my post now, are you making a voice and a face for me and every time you read a post from me, you hear the same voice and see the same face.

Yes, I do that too. Purple, I picture you to be about 5’ 6” tall, maybe 130-140 lbs. and shoulder length reddish, but not red, hair. In my head, you have brown eyes and a pretty smile. You smile all the time when I think of you. Actually, I almost always picture you guys smiling. I see Guy as a pretty good looking man, not to tall, not too fat. Since he told me he was thin-ish, I had to change my mental picture of him. I see brown hair, not too dark, though. Once again, I see brown eyes and that nice smile. He is a very nice looking guy in my mind. (Of course, now, I picture him quivering under his desk, occasionally peeking out to type a post.) When I was a kid, I read a magazine for teenaged girls called 16. They had an article about Donny Osmond (my first love) and in it he said that when he pictures his wedding day, the only thing missing was the face on the woman he was marrying. Sometimes I picture a faceless person, but as I get to know people, I fill in that face. I already know what Stacey looks like (she is adorable) so I picture her cute face when I think of her. So, how did I do? Was I close?

My father has always said that you should accomplish at least one thing everyday that improves your milieu. Even on the days that I am as sick as a dog, I try to do something to make my life better. There are days when all I have the strength to do is wash the dishes. But that’s OK, I am too good to be in a house with dirty dishes in the sink. Most people are. Today by back is killing me. I walk like an old woman but old women still clean up so I HAVE to go and do the laundry. I still need that bra.

See ya soon!

Meg

Does anyone know why I can't work on Blogger when I am IMing?