As I write this, it isn’t yet 8 PM. I want to take the conversation into penis territory (Or as Michael Jackson would call it, Why not now-land?) so I can’t post this until AFTER 8. (Speaking of Michael Jackson, does he have a tan line or what? Do they actually BLEACH that thing? Is that where his nose went? Does he have his pubic hair straightened?) I feel safe in starting this now.

I purposely made a penis reference to see if I could turn the conversation away from boobs. And it worked. So far, I have received these names for the male member:

Mr. Happy
Champ
Shaft
Dingo
Pepe
Mr. Midnight
The Thunder Down Under (My apologies to Georgia State Rep. Tumlin)
Mr. Peabody
Junior
Thor
Captain
The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
Mr. Winky
The One Eyed Wonder Worm
The Handful
The Mouthful

Why do you suppose we do that? We name the parts of our body that are covered up by bathing suits. I have Sally, Sue and Molly. Rick had The Twister. (But he was generally only tire-kicking.) Most couples have their version of Mr. Happy. I think it is kind of funny that you don’t rename the body parts until you know someone really well. Up until then, you have to use the word penis. What a stupid word. Penis. I hate that. Say it out loud a couple times, Penis...Penis.

Penis’s do give us some information...if you ever wondered whether or not God is a woman, look to the penis for the answer. If God WERE a woman, the penis would be on a man’s chin, not in between his legs. The penis will tell you how large a man’s foot is as well. You find one big enough and you can be sure, there are some big ass feet walking around somewhere. A funky penis will tell you that your date has been visiting a certain trailer park in Kennesaw, Georgia where the appellation trailer trash is considered a compliment.

Although I don’t know any people named penis, I did have a boss named Mr. Penisis. He was the manager for the Yankee Doodle Dandy Restaurant that I worked at when I was 15. I would use his phone and if he left his name tag on the desk, I would cover up the IS at the end. He never noticed it before he put it on. I can’t believe I was paid to laugh that much.

I wonder what the record is for using the word penis in a paragraph? Penis is a word that doesn’t flow too well, say it again, penis. You can’t really work penis into too many sentences. What can you really say about a penis? After the penis envy conversation, why would you ever use the word penis? You can’t just stand up and shout, “Penis!”, not even in a crowded movie theater. As a nurse, I was able to write penis occasionally, but not often. I did have a patient with a damaged penis once. I had an order to do a dressing change on his penis. I thought that perhaps a doctor should take care of the penis. A lady shouldn’t touch a strange man’s penis if there is another penis person around. So, the penis wielding doctor took care of the penis for me. Of course, I had to ASK him to change the penis dressing which meant I had to say the word penis to him. You can’t replace penis with One Eyed Wonder Worm at the nurses station, you just have to say penis. Shouldn’t the plural of penis be peni? Well, I am all penised out. (Funny, that never happened when I was with Rick.)

When my son slammed his penis with the toilet seat, the doctors at the emergency room told me to take him home and elevate it. (You use a rolled up towel.) Apparently, there are some penis stories in my family I didn’t know about. My father and I have been discussing penis’s and he told me that one of my brothers zipped his up and hid in his room with it zipped up. Talk about delicate. That explains a lot.

The Chicago White Sox had a pitcher named Gary Peters who was injured. The paper ran a story that said, “Sox to play without Peters!” I’ve been a Cubs fan ever since.

Have a lovely evening!

Meg