I was thinking about something...
Why does it bother me so much that he never told me the truth? I can't seem to get over this intense need for it. Sometimes I think I need it now more than I did before.
I know what went on, all the evidence is there and he refused it to the end. Why did he do that and why do I care? I’ve mentioned it to other people and they don’t seem to get it. Is it me? Am I wrong to feel this way?
He never gave me the only thing that would have made this situation tolerable, the truth. I had to imagine all kinds of horrors in my mind for 3 years and I can’t make it stop. All of the anger, all of the thoughts in my head, all have to do with the fact that he lied. He didn’t understand it then and he doesn’t understand it now. He owes me that, don’t you think?
Don’t you think he should pick up the phone and say, “This is what happened...it was wonderful while it lasted”?
But by lying, he stole that from me. How can I put these past 23 years anywhere except a bad place in my mind as long as he won’t give me that respect?
I think that’s it. I think that by lying, he has taken away all of the good. He won’t give me the decency of sitting me down and holding me as he tells me that he is sad that it is over. He just became so angry and mean that I couldn’t ever catch my breathe long enough to digest what was happening. And, he wouldn’t tell me. Does that make any sense? The few reactions I have gotten seem to indicate that it doesn’t. But it makes sense to me.
Doesn’t a lifetime deserve a gentle ending? Isn’t that what we all hope for? Why did he have to end our life together so violently? Like any other murder, it makes no sense. I promise you, I didn’t deserve that. I don’t think anyone does.
My father told me once that you tend to remember the good times so maybe someday I will only think of them. But today I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I can’t look at the pictures of Paris...I can’t look at his bathroom...the lawnmower...and so many things that only he and I would have appreciated. Of course, the house is full of them.
I long for the day when I can see these things and smile. He could cut 5 years off of that time by picking up the phone and telling me why he did what he did and that it wasn’t all bad. By refusing to be honest, he stole everything good that may or may not have happened. I'm not sure anymore.
And one other thing, how long does one have to punish themselves for something that someone else did?
Meg
Why does it bother me so much that he never told me the truth? I can't seem to get over this intense need for it. Sometimes I think I need it now more than I did before.
I know what went on, all the evidence is there and he refused it to the end. Why did he do that and why do I care? I’ve mentioned it to other people and they don’t seem to get it. Is it me? Am I wrong to feel this way?
He never gave me the only thing that would have made this situation tolerable, the truth. I had to imagine all kinds of horrors in my mind for 3 years and I can’t make it stop. All of the anger, all of the thoughts in my head, all have to do with the fact that he lied. He didn’t understand it then and he doesn’t understand it now. He owes me that, don’t you think?
Don’t you think he should pick up the phone and say, “This is what happened...it was wonderful while it lasted”?
But by lying, he stole that from me. How can I put these past 23 years anywhere except a bad place in my mind as long as he won’t give me that respect?
I think that’s it. I think that by lying, he has taken away all of the good. He won’t give me the decency of sitting me down and holding me as he tells me that he is sad that it is over. He just became so angry and mean that I couldn’t ever catch my breathe long enough to digest what was happening. And, he wouldn’t tell me. Does that make any sense? The few reactions I have gotten seem to indicate that it doesn’t. But it makes sense to me.
Doesn’t a lifetime deserve a gentle ending? Isn’t that what we all hope for? Why did he have to end our life together so violently? Like any other murder, it makes no sense. I promise you, I didn’t deserve that. I don’t think anyone does.
My father told me once that you tend to remember the good times so maybe someday I will only think of them. But today I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I can’t look at the pictures of Paris...I can’t look at his bathroom...the lawnmower...and so many things that only he and I would have appreciated. Of course, the house is full of them.
I long for the day when I can see these things and smile. He could cut 5 years off of that time by picking up the phone and telling me why he did what he did and that it wasn’t all bad. By refusing to be honest, he stole everything good that may or may not have happened. I'm not sure anymore.
And one other thing, how long does one have to punish themselves for something that someone else did?
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 7:29 AM
6 Comments:
Meg,
Perhaps part of him hurts too. He can't deal with that pain by sharing with you the one think you want- the truth. For him it's easier to get mad and not deal with his hurt and your needs. You need to focus on what you can control, namely moving on with your life. Get a hobby, or volunteer to aid others, just get busy. Often seeing how much others hurt, while not completely erasing your pain, will help you to cope with your loss.
Thanks for posting your blog. My situation is similiar. My wife cheated after 19 years together. Things were falling apart, and while I tried hard to keep it together, she didn't want to. Our divorce became final one week before our twentieth anniversay.
Sometimes life just sucks.
Keep your chin up, young lady. Life will be good again for both of us.
david
So ya wanna feel better eh? Searching for a little of that elusive "peace of mind"
everyone talks about but no one seems to achieve? Well guess what... thats gonna take time. Yep... all the questions you want answered, all the respect you think you deserve from this guy who probably never showed you any in the first place
(other than what you convinced yourself
was respect from him)... not gonna happen. If you are depressed,lonely and suffering from low self-esteem... I suggest you see a physician and get yourself some short term help. Anti-depressants can help...most take about six weeks to work fully... but YOU WILL FEEL BETTER in about that time. Also, depression can manifest itself in other ways ... unable to eat or sleep.
Ask your doctor for some anti-anxiety medication (xanax or valium) to help you relax and sleep.. rather than lying in bed asking yourself same unanswerable
questions over and over. When you've put enough distance between you and "The Hurt", you can taper off the medications.
In these days of modern chemistry, no one
needs to suffer greatly from the effects of emotional trauma. They will help you to stop emotionally beating yourself up every moment of every waking day. How do I know all this? Well, I'm a frickin' guru... thats how.
It's because it seems the truth would give you closure. But most likely, the truth would only lead to more suspicions if there was more to be told, and of course it would be more hurt to go through. I've gotten to the point with my ex that I don't even want to know anymore, and I know there's more truths I don't know. But it just isn't worth it anymore.
I could have written your entry today. I used to no understand why it is so hard for the lying cheating sucm to not just tell the truth when the divorce is near and most of the facts are on the table. I finally realized, if they came clean they would be admitting htat they had been wrong and may even have to deal with some guilt. I think one day it will hit them and eat them up but I dont think they will ever truly come clean, even them. They are "wired" different and feel that normal rules of society to apply to them. I hope that you can not let his being an asshole ruin the great person that you are. He is the one with the real problmes, they good life for you is still to come :)
[Warning : long rambling post.]
Sometimes life just sucks.
I think perhaps that's the moral of the story.
You've spent 20 years of your life with this guy. Of course you're hurt, of course you're puzzled.
From the outside (bearing in mind that we've only had your side of the story, not his, but your honesty compensates for that) -- it's clear that you are the best thing that ever happened to him -- and he's the worst thing that ever happened to you.
It looks to me like you recognised something in him, and tried to save him, but couldn't -- he got a bad start in life, and it caught up with him.
Exploitive behaviour is inherent to humanity -- at least, to the male half (I can't speak from authority about the other half). He felt so confident of your love, that he thought he could get away with having other women, and always have you forgive him.
I feel sad that you feel so hostile to his other women -- that looks like a way of letting him off the hook to me. THEY didn't destroy your marriage -- HE did.
Admitting to yourself that the guy is a total waste of space, and that you just wasted twenty years of your life on him : obviously, that's too much. It's too painful. There must be a misunderstanding. You're looking for a way out that can give you some closure while maintaining some self-respect.
ummm...
Try another tack. You have made him look like a real shitbucket, and undoubtedly he is. But I'm sure he had lots of redeeming features (that you haven't told us about!) and that there were lots of good times etc.
But, in the end, his exploitive animal instincts just made him someone you couldn't live with. Nor could anyone who retains a modicum of self-respect.
So, setting aside the fact that once you loved him (that's gone forever, he was unworthy of your love), you've got someone who you once respected, and could respect again, once he starts behaving respectably.
So he's not just a worthless scumbag; and loving him was just an honest mistake on your part, not some sort of proof that you are worthless too.
You always hate the one you hurt.
Did someone famous say that, or was it me? Anyway, it's a timeless truth that I've observed many times.
In the end, maybe Rick will stop hating you when you stop hurting.
You don't get respect by wimpering in a corner... he will respect you for your strength, once you have made him irrelevant to your life.
[/end of long rambling post]
Meg,
I understand much of what you feel. I was married for five years to a man who was such a pathological liar that if he said "Hello", he was probably lying. I fully believe he could have passed any lie detector test given to him because he reached a point of being unable to tell the difference between the lies and the truth. If you were to look at some of the details of our marriage, you might assume we had married impulsively after a short courtship, when in fact we married after dating for FOUR YEARS. So how I missed this aspect of his personality is still a mystery to me, 21 years after we divorced. [Not one I spend much time on, mind you, but a little.] During our relationship, I took his word for almost everything -- I'm not a liar, so I never expected him to be one, either. After our marriage ended, I began second-guessing our entire relationship, beating myself up for not seeing the untruths when they were glaring right at me when they went by the first time, much less after a second glance. My ex never owned up to a single lie he ever told, even when confronted with the physical evidence of it, and the last words he ever said to me ("I'll be home around 10:30 tonight") were a lie -- he was going to school at night, went to class one night and never came home again. That was in 1983, and I've never seen or heard from him since. (Trust me -- I could do three blogs, two separate soap operas and a few years of the Springer show on this!)
Furriner, your words sent me reeling -- loving him was just an honest mistake on your part, not some sort of proof that you are worthless too.
Meg, heed Furriner's words -- there is solid gold in them. I have second-guessed my own judgment and worth for years. Get the closure you need, jump up and down, cry, scream, yell and talk until you are talked out, and above all, do NOT take Rick's estimation of you as a valid one, nor your loving him as a negativity against yourself.
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