"We ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us."

Why is that? What is it about human nature that makes us ignore the one who adores us? I guess we feel as though we have already conquered that one, so it’s off to bigger and better things. This quote is similar to the “You only hurt the one you love” maxim. We save our worst conduct for those in who’s love we feel secure. That’s really too bad because as I said the other day, the longer another person sticks around you, the more precious they become. Like a fine wine, friends become much more valuable with time. For so many reasons, they deserve the best we have. Yet, we save the nasty stuff for them. No one else would tolerate it so we have no choice (other than to avoid the behavior in the first place). If a person is going to conduct themselves poorly, they will do so almost exclusively in the presence of their closest friends.

That explains how the nicest appearing of all people can be such monsters at home. They don’t read this kind of thing so I am not going to waste my time on them. But, to the extent that we all do it, I thought it might be something worth thinking about.

That we all do it is a given. But with most of us, it isn’t so much that that we intentionally treat our intimates poorly. Rather, it’s a matter of us not tending to the niceties when we are with them. We aren’t really on our best behavior. We are more at ease and we just let it all hang out. That’s OK, we need a safe place to be ourselves and the entire reasoning behind selecting friends is to find people who know you and like you. At times, we may even push our friends a little bit. But overall, we treat others pretty well.

Unfortunately, there are people who don’t stop at evading the niceties. They simply treat the people in their lives like crap. Those are the people who are usually described as self-centered. Self-cenetered people are odd. You can’t tell them that they are self-centered because if they could grasp the concept of other people and their feelings, they would at least pretend to care about someone else.

I have a friend who is extremely self centered. He is a really nice guy and if he would ever stop dwelling on himself and his own problems, he would be a great deal of fun to be with. He is smart, funny, and has a background that leads one to be an interesting character. But he is constantly (and I cannot stress that word enough) talking about his problem du jour. I admit that he has some pretty serious issues going on in his life, but at some point, you have to take a break from worrying just to maintain your sanity. I keep waiting to see glimpses of the real him, I like that guy. I wonder how two self-centered people have a relationship? I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who is so dreadfully self-centered. That leaves a man little time to pamper and woo. (Doesn’t that sound like a good name for a song? “Pamper and Woo”, by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.)

But back to treating those dearest to us shoddily, it’s a shame that we do it. As kids, we do it to our parents and as adults, we do it to our spouses and all throughout life we do it to our friends and family. Vex saved some corrupt conduct for me, that’s for sure. I could honestly say that he saved his most abominable demeanor for me and me alone. He treated me worse than he treated anybody else on the planet and I was his wife. I tried to tell him that. I even went so far as to say, “While you save your worst behavior for me, other men are treating me with their best foot forward. Doesn’t that make you want to rethink your actions?” Well, it didn’t matter to him but maybe somebody out there can use that little bit of insight to some benefit.

Before I posted this, I received this email. See Vex, it isn’t me. There are men who get it.

As a man I would have to say that I make a genuine effort to not look at the opposite sex while with my date. Even when I am flying solo only a brief eye contact is enough to acknowledge whether someone is interested in taking it to the next level, hence the "ogling". I often wish that more guys would respect their woman in a way that makes the woman feel like they are the only one that exists while they are accompanying one another. It actually enhances the mood in every situation and restores faith in the woman's mind that there are a few good men still out there.

I think we made the same point about being the only one there for him. See guys, we don’t think that much differently. You just don’t know that becasue you don’t ask. You need to just speak to us. While you are very visual, we are very verbal. We enjoy it when you initiate conversation about the rapport that we share. Especially when it is very positive. But even if what you have is negative, find a kind and loving way to say it. Don’t save it for the middle of a fight and toss it in from far left field.
I hate those discussions that go like this:

Me: “I wanted to let you know that it bothered me when you made that comment about my weight earlier. I didn’t want to leave that unsaid.”
He: “Well, you’re always asking me to rake the yard. I hate raking. I would rather go out and buy a mulching blade. But, noooo, you don’t let me spend ANY of my money now, do you!!!!”

or

Me: “I would love it if you could be more affectionate.”
He: “Well, how do you expect me to act when I have to call you three times a day and then let you know where I go every single minute of every single day...I can’t take this anymore!"

(Whenever I told Vex that I was feeling insecure because of some behavior of his, he would list all of the things that I did to deserve the treatment I was receiving. It wasn’t outright like, “This is why you deserve it...” It was just a conditioning kind of thing. He would over react and I would shut the hell up. It was a very effective tactic on his side.

Anyway, try to find a way to pioneer new relationship territories. Talking to us is a very good start.

Well, I have to go and do some things, I will see you soon.

Meg