Ay oh, ay oh, it’s off to court I go...
...and when I get home I will be free to get laid. That is just so freaking cool. I don’t know what’s making me happier, the permission to get laid part or the, “I have a man to get laid by” part. But damn, I am just so pleased today. A few weeks ago I thought that there would be no way that I could stand in front of that judge without breaking down in tears and now I’m just hoping that I don’t crack up at some inappropriate moment. The judge could say to me, “Mrs. Kelso, why are you seeking a divorce from this court?”
I would love to respond about the skid marks...that would just be so damned funny to me.
“Mrs. Kelso, the court would like to know what it is that you find so amusing.”
The court hasn’t met Rick.
“The court finds it rather offensive that you are not taking these proceedings seriously.”
I’ve been far too serious for far too long. “Your honor...have you read my blog?”
I would have been serious a while back, but now I’m just giddy. I’ve always had a problem keeping a straight face anytime that I knew that a straight face was appropriate. In church, our parents sat behind the 6 of us so that they could smack us in the heads if we did something stupid. The two of them had long enough arms to reach all 6 heads.
On the way to church my Dad would say, “And you, little missy, you had better not misbehave today.”
Oh my God, why did he say that...now I will surely get smacked in the head in front of all of my friends...AGAIN. After a while, I had to stare straight ahead because people would look at me and make a face. I learned to bite my tongue, lip or cheek to keep from laughing. Today I may just start hemorrhaging all over the court room.
“Mrs. Kelso, do you need an ambulance?”
“NO DUDE...I need a divorce! I haven't been laid properly in over a quarter of a century and I have an opportunity to have it happen now....so, slam that damn gavel and turn me back into Miss Broderick so that I can go about doing so!”
I find it odd that the “winner” of the divorce is the one who has to go to court. I seem to be earning myself a pew of my own at this courthouse. (They look like pews, I don’t know what the hell you call them.) I guess it is appropriate that I walk in a married woman and walk out single.
The grounds that I sought the divorce under were adultery, physical and emotional cruelty and abandonment. I would have like to have added that Rick couldn’t perform his marital duties but that wasn’t on the list. I suppose technically he did, but I would have liked to have been able to at least recite the Pledge of Allegiance before it was over. You know, he blamed THAT on me as well. I haven’t mentioned this before because it was sort of embarrassing but hell, what do I care now...he told me that it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t last any length of time, it was all because of me. I was “far too tight and no man would want a woman with such a fucked up pussy that he couldn’t last longer than 2 minutes.” I think that was an effort to get me to feel too embarrassed to sleep with anyone else.
It didn’t work. I have been with men who could last longer than a Star-fish commercial, I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that until now. I’m not that stupid.
Well, I just received October firsts’ alimony. He sent me a check. Up until then, he had been sending money orders. I don’t know why, but I didn’t mind because those don’t bounce. Where the hell do you cash a check from Montana? You have to be very careful cashing a check written by a man who makes $8.50 and hour.
OK, this blog will be ending very soon and I have to ask you guys a favor. Can you send me suggestions about how I should do it? I can’t decide. Over the past 10 months, I’ve considered many different things according to my mood. At times I thought that I would end it with some emotional soliloquy about my marriage and I’ve thought that I should end it in some barrage of insults towards Rick. It never occurred to me that I would be so happy on this day. I’m not used to it so I am at a loss.
OK, I have to go take a shower and shave my legs and wash my belly button. I have to do what Rick has been doing ever since we got married, I have to be ready to fuck a stranger at all times now. You never know. Somebody just might want to lick my belly. :):):)
See ya!
Meg
...and when I get home I will be free to get laid. That is just so freaking cool. I don’t know what’s making me happier, the permission to get laid part or the, “I have a man to get laid by” part. But damn, I am just so pleased today. A few weeks ago I thought that there would be no way that I could stand in front of that judge without breaking down in tears and now I’m just hoping that I don’t crack up at some inappropriate moment. The judge could say to me, “Mrs. Kelso, why are you seeking a divorce from this court?”
I would love to respond about the skid marks...that would just be so damned funny to me.
“Mrs. Kelso, the court would like to know what it is that you find so amusing.”
The court hasn’t met Rick.
“The court finds it rather offensive that you are not taking these proceedings seriously.”
I’ve been far too serious for far too long. “Your honor...have you read my blog?”
I would have been serious a while back, but now I’m just giddy. I’ve always had a problem keeping a straight face anytime that I knew that a straight face was appropriate. In church, our parents sat behind the 6 of us so that they could smack us in the heads if we did something stupid. The two of them had long enough arms to reach all 6 heads.
On the way to church my Dad would say, “And you, little missy, you had better not misbehave today.”
Oh my God, why did he say that...now I will surely get smacked in the head in front of all of my friends...AGAIN. After a while, I had to stare straight ahead because people would look at me and make a face. I learned to bite my tongue, lip or cheek to keep from laughing. Today I may just start hemorrhaging all over the court room.
“Mrs. Kelso, do you need an ambulance?”
“NO DUDE...I need a divorce! I haven't been laid properly in over a quarter of a century and I have an opportunity to have it happen now....so, slam that damn gavel and turn me back into Miss Broderick so that I can go about doing so!”
I find it odd that the “winner” of the divorce is the one who has to go to court. I seem to be earning myself a pew of my own at this courthouse. (They look like pews, I don’t know what the hell you call them.) I guess it is appropriate that I walk in a married woman and walk out single.
The grounds that I sought the divorce under were adultery, physical and emotional cruelty and abandonment. I would have like to have added that Rick couldn’t perform his marital duties but that wasn’t on the list. I suppose technically he did, but I would have liked to have been able to at least recite the Pledge of Allegiance before it was over. You know, he blamed THAT on me as well. I haven’t mentioned this before because it was sort of embarrassing but hell, what do I care now...he told me that it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t last any length of time, it was all because of me. I was “far too tight and no man would want a woman with such a fucked up pussy that he couldn’t last longer than 2 minutes.” I think that was an effort to get me to feel too embarrassed to sleep with anyone else.
It didn’t work. I have been with men who could last longer than a Star-fish commercial, I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that until now. I’m not that stupid.
Well, I just received October firsts’ alimony. He sent me a check. Up until then, he had been sending money orders. I don’t know why, but I didn’t mind because those don’t bounce. Where the hell do you cash a check from Montana? You have to be very careful cashing a check written by a man who makes $8.50 and hour.
OK, this blog will be ending very soon and I have to ask you guys a favor. Can you send me suggestions about how I should do it? I can’t decide. Over the past 10 months, I’ve considered many different things according to my mood. At times I thought that I would end it with some emotional soliloquy about my marriage and I’ve thought that I should end it in some barrage of insults towards Rick. It never occurred to me that I would be so happy on this day. I’m not used to it so I am at a loss.
OK, I have to go take a shower and shave my legs and wash my belly button. I have to do what Rick has been doing ever since we got married, I have to be ready to fuck a stranger at all times now. You never know. Somebody just might want to lick my belly. :):):)
See ya!
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 4:20 AM
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