Dear Meg,
“...So why did you stay with him so long. You could have cheated it wouldn’t have been cheating if he was cheating on you...”
Yeah, actually, it would have been. But toward the end, that wasn’t an option. I was too sick to even think about that. And, your email sort of implies that I knew he was cheating and even though part of me did, there was a part of me that didn’t want to believe it. I had this silly notion that we would be married until we were old and gray, my biggest fear being the day that one of us buried the other. I actually worried what the remaining one of us would have done without the other.
But I understand what you mean. I told him a few times that while he was treating me badly, every other man that I came across was treating me quite well. It’s pretty sad when the only man who treats a woman poorly is the one who purports to love her. I would go out somewhere, to the store, to the library or even to the places where I did stand up and men would hit on me, of course. They would talk to me, they would send me drinks or even just compliment me. I would feel so good when I was treated like that...I found myself smiling when I would think about how nice men were to me. Then, I would go home and be dumped on.
Anything that other men did to build up my ego was quickly knocked down when I would go home and be ignored by the one man that I wanted to be treated nicely by.
I spent a lot of time, well, I guess I wasted a lot of time, asking him if he realized that he was the only man who wasn’t terribly nice to me. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t matter to him. Looking back, I still don’t get it. I don’t understand the part of a man that makes him want to keep his wife to himself while he has all the women that he wants. He didn’t want me enough to be nice to me but he didn’t want any other man to have me either. Last summer (2004-The Summer of Hell) I asked him if it would still bother him if I was with another man and just the question alone made him mad so I let that make me believe that he still cared.
Whenever Rick left me in the past, he would come back when I had another guy. It got to the point where I wouldn’t actually go out with anyone else, I would just tell him that I had and then he would take me back. The second time that he left me, he left me when I was sick as well.
He left me in a house that we had bought and took the car that I paid for. The day he came home from having the car registered, I asked him why he had it registered in his name alone. He said, “I didn’t even think about it. Don’t worry, I would never take it away from you.”
Well, he did. I had just gotten out of the hospital for something stupid that left me on crutches and came home to find the house empty and the car gone. I couldn’t work so I eventually lost the house and I even had to send my kids back to live with their father. I literally lost every thing that I cared about.
It took me about 6 months, but I got a car and an apartment and I was doing just fine. I was dating a guy named Robert and one day Robert and I had an argument. I was working nights then and I was sleeping at my mother’s house one day when Robert woke me up by sitting on the side of my bed. I asked him why he was there and he said, “I just spoke with Rick.”
I didn’t believe him until he started to tell me all the things that Rick had said. I could tell he was telling me the truth then and I told him, “You’ve just done something that I couldn't do in 6 months.” He asked me what I meant and I told him, “You’ve gotten my husband back for me.”
That night Rick came to my job with a card and a necklace and the next morning, I went back to him. The next time he left me...I just waited a few weeks and then I told him that I had gotten together with an old boyfriend of mine and he asked me to move back in that day.
This time I thought the restraining order would make that BS impossible. But, I was wrong. When he read in this thing that I was interested in someone else, he started calling me again. I asked him why he didn’t call me sooner and he said it was because of the restraining order. Well, it was still in effect, I had it written into the divorce. The restraining order will stop him from calling if it fits his purposes but if it doesn’t, then to hell with it. Go figure.
There’s no way in hell that I would put up with his crap again, I’m too old and he’s left me one too many times. This time he left when I was so very ill and somehow I am still here. It’s been almost a year and a half and this time it’s obvious to me that I don’t need him or anyone else for that matter so I’m not sitting around waiting for him to call me this time.
Men are so nice to me, as they always have been, but this time Rick isn’t waiting at home to knock down my self esteem so I’ve had time to think clearly for long enough to let it sink in that I am, indeed, not as bad as he had me believe. I’ve gotten what I wanted, he was the last one to say that he loved me and he obviously has realized that he screwed up...either because he and Gail have broken up or he simply hates paying me so he called me behind her back. Either way...I win. And, I did it without cheating on him. So, I get to walk away knowing that he’s the one who screwed up and I didn’t lower myself or my standards. I couldn’t have done that if I had cheated on him. So...I’m glad that I didn’t.
It still isn’t perfect, I am divorced at 47 when I never planned on being alone. I passed up a bunch of great opportunities for someone who was SOOOOO not worth it, but I’m still here and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger so it’s all good.
Now, I’m just waiting for life to come and get all interesting on me. I can do whatever I want to do and although I can’t do much right now...I will be able to soon. I could probably do it now except that it’s so damned cold out that I don’t even want to leave the house but I could if I wanted to. I have a few stupid little things that I need to fix but they aren’t as tough as what I’ve been through so far so I’m not terribly worried about them.
Here I am...as free as I have ever been and as wise as I’ve ever been. That’s a pretty cool feeling. All I need is for a door to open and over the threshold I go. I’m ready for it and I’ve done it without hurting anyone else. Rick can’t say that and although it probably doesn’t matter to him now, if he’s lucky, he will learn someday how important it is to be able to say that.
So, life...here I am! Come and get me!
Meg
PS Aren’t you curious to see what I get after all of this? I sure the hell am.
“...So why did you stay with him so long. You could have cheated it wouldn’t have been cheating if he was cheating on you...”
Yeah, actually, it would have been. But toward the end, that wasn’t an option. I was too sick to even think about that. And, your email sort of implies that I knew he was cheating and even though part of me did, there was a part of me that didn’t want to believe it. I had this silly notion that we would be married until we were old and gray, my biggest fear being the day that one of us buried the other. I actually worried what the remaining one of us would have done without the other.
But I understand what you mean. I told him a few times that while he was treating me badly, every other man that I came across was treating me quite well. It’s pretty sad when the only man who treats a woman poorly is the one who purports to love her. I would go out somewhere, to the store, to the library or even to the places where I did stand up and men would hit on me, of course. They would talk to me, they would send me drinks or even just compliment me. I would feel so good when I was treated like that...I found myself smiling when I would think about how nice men were to me. Then, I would go home and be dumped on.
Anything that other men did to build up my ego was quickly knocked down when I would go home and be ignored by the one man that I wanted to be treated nicely by.
I spent a lot of time, well, I guess I wasted a lot of time, asking him if he realized that he was the only man who wasn’t terribly nice to me. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t matter to him. Looking back, I still don’t get it. I don’t understand the part of a man that makes him want to keep his wife to himself while he has all the women that he wants. He didn’t want me enough to be nice to me but he didn’t want any other man to have me either. Last summer (2004-The Summer of Hell) I asked him if it would still bother him if I was with another man and just the question alone made him mad so I let that make me believe that he still cared.
Whenever Rick left me in the past, he would come back when I had another guy. It got to the point where I wouldn’t actually go out with anyone else, I would just tell him that I had and then he would take me back. The second time that he left me, he left me when I was sick as well.
He left me in a house that we had bought and took the car that I paid for. The day he came home from having the car registered, I asked him why he had it registered in his name alone. He said, “I didn’t even think about it. Don’t worry, I would never take it away from you.”
Well, he did. I had just gotten out of the hospital for something stupid that left me on crutches and came home to find the house empty and the car gone. I couldn’t work so I eventually lost the house and I even had to send my kids back to live with their father. I literally lost every thing that I cared about.
It took me about 6 months, but I got a car and an apartment and I was doing just fine. I was dating a guy named Robert and one day Robert and I had an argument. I was working nights then and I was sleeping at my mother’s house one day when Robert woke me up by sitting on the side of my bed. I asked him why he was there and he said, “I just spoke with Rick.”
I didn’t believe him until he started to tell me all the things that Rick had said. I could tell he was telling me the truth then and I told him, “You’ve just done something that I couldn't do in 6 months.” He asked me what I meant and I told him, “You’ve gotten my husband back for me.”
That night Rick came to my job with a card and a necklace and the next morning, I went back to him. The next time he left me...I just waited a few weeks and then I told him that I had gotten together with an old boyfriend of mine and he asked me to move back in that day.
This time I thought the restraining order would make that BS impossible. But, I was wrong. When he read in this thing that I was interested in someone else, he started calling me again. I asked him why he didn’t call me sooner and he said it was because of the restraining order. Well, it was still in effect, I had it written into the divorce. The restraining order will stop him from calling if it fits his purposes but if it doesn’t, then to hell with it. Go figure.
There’s no way in hell that I would put up with his crap again, I’m too old and he’s left me one too many times. This time he left when I was so very ill and somehow I am still here. It’s been almost a year and a half and this time it’s obvious to me that I don’t need him or anyone else for that matter so I’m not sitting around waiting for him to call me this time.
Men are so nice to me, as they always have been, but this time Rick isn’t waiting at home to knock down my self esteem so I’ve had time to think clearly for long enough to let it sink in that I am, indeed, not as bad as he had me believe. I’ve gotten what I wanted, he was the last one to say that he loved me and he obviously has realized that he screwed up...either because he and Gail have broken up or he simply hates paying me so he called me behind her back. Either way...I win. And, I did it without cheating on him. So, I get to walk away knowing that he’s the one who screwed up and I didn’t lower myself or my standards. I couldn’t have done that if I had cheated on him. So...I’m glad that I didn’t.
It still isn’t perfect, I am divorced at 47 when I never planned on being alone. I passed up a bunch of great opportunities for someone who was SOOOOO not worth it, but I’m still here and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger so it’s all good.
Now, I’m just waiting for life to come and get all interesting on me. I can do whatever I want to do and although I can’t do much right now...I will be able to soon. I could probably do it now except that it’s so damned cold out that I don’t even want to leave the house but I could if I wanted to. I have a few stupid little things that I need to fix but they aren’t as tough as what I’ve been through so far so I’m not terribly worried about them.
Here I am...as free as I have ever been and as wise as I’ve ever been. That’s a pretty cool feeling. All I need is for a door to open and over the threshold I go. I’m ready for it and I’ve done it without hurting anyone else. Rick can’t say that and although it probably doesn’t matter to him now, if he’s lucky, he will learn someday how important it is to be able to say that.
So, life...here I am! Come and get me!
Meg
PS Aren’t you curious to see what I get after all of this? I sure the hell am.
posted by Meg Kelso | 9:33 AM
2 Comments:
This post was almost 3 years ago - I hope you've gotten some wonderful things in your life by now, you deserve it!
Thanks girl!
I haven't won the lottery and I still have trouble paying the bills, but I like myself. And, I've been doing a lot of work in movies and TV, I'm even having another HUGE article published in a political magazine, their election issue!
I have the self confidence it takes to be picky about who I go out with, I like myself enough to take really good care of me, I'm no longer too skinny, but for a 50 year old, I'm not bad. I have two wonderful grandchildren who adore me and children who are doing well.
I'd still like to find a companion to travel through life with, but I don't NEED one enough to grab the first fool who comes along.
Sure, the divorce (and marriage for that matter) was hell and I could kick myself for marrying so far beneath myself but it's all good now.
You know, this is the way I look at stuff like that...God let me be in a hideous marriage because if I hadn't been in it, something even WORSE could have happened! You know how irritated you get when you get lost or take a wrong turn? I just figure God made me do that because if I had kept on going the way I was going, I would have been hit by a Mack truck. So, no matter how bad things get, I'm always grateful that my kids and grandkids are healthy and I'm still here!
Of course, the lottery thing would be great too.
:):):)
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