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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Hello again,

I received an email from a lady who was wondering how a person gets back into dating after being in an exclusive relationship for years. I told her that I just get dressed up and get in the car and wait to see what happens. She was a bit surprised and said how smart that was, there were no expectations. Well, of course there are a few expectations...things like no one will pee outside of your car door (I had that happen on a FIRST date once...had to jump the pee to get out of the van), you expect not to starve to death while on the date and you expect a gentleman. Other than that...I’m not sure what you should expect from a date.

They’re all crap shoots. You should hope to have a little fun, but if you don’t...you really haven’t missed much. That’s all I ever expect out of a date...just a bit of fun. I’ve read articles that say that women are always considering the future on dates...thinking about what kind of husband material this guy would make. I don’t know how true that is...I never do that. I’m usually too busy just enjoying myself or chatting to think about anything else than what’s going on at the moment. Of course...I’m a total airhead and maybe that helps, but I never think about marriage or a future with a guy I just met.

Of course, on a date (especially a first date) I expect to leave my wallet at home except for the mad money. A while back I was corresponding with a guy from LA and when it came time for me to fly out to meet him, he said, we “shouldn’t expect to spend the first night together so why don’t you book yourself a room at the Beverly Hills Wilshire Hotel." Yeah right.

I could see that scene, he walks me back to my room...I’m sure all he would want was a peck on the cheek at my door knowing that I have a bed all my own on the other side of the door. He asked me to book the room before he even mentioned buying tickets so I suppose it was up to me to get to LA myself. What a nerd. I have to wonder if that crap doesn’t work for some men...I hope there aren’t women stupid enough to do that. I wouldn’t mind paying for this or that once I’m in a relationship...but not for some dude who wants me to deliver all of my assets to him personally without any mention of payback. I don’t want to end up on Judge Judy having to explain to her why I ever paid for these things in the first place. I can hear Judy now, “You madam...are an idiot and a whore.” I’d have to agree with her.

As I said, you should expect not to be put in the position of having to play defense on a date. I was doing that quite a little bit last year...almost every single date I went on ended with me saying, “Oh please...not again.” If the first kiss isn’t well timed and mutually enjoyed...then there’s no reason to think that the end of the date signals time for that kiss and whatever else should “come up” at the time. I actually TOLD men about how I was forced to play defense on a date and they were entirely discusted with the behavior of the cad I was discussing. Then, they decided that I must want them so I’m back on defense again...after explaining that I hate that. There's one guy who I went out with in September and he was the worst. He actually put my hand on IT and said, “See what you do to me!” as though just the hint of a stiffie would get me to take my pants of right there on the park bench. This one has a hard time getting the message, he’s still calling me. Well, he’s calling my phone, I don’t answer it.

When men act like that, I feel like telling them that it’d take about a grand for me to take off anything at all for them. But I like being able to say that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a hooker. A friend of mine who has some idea of how many first dates I’ve been on asked me why I haven’t slept with any of them. Well, that’s why. None of them acted gentlemanly enough to deserve a second date and therefore, I never got laid. I could have...it’s pretty damned easy. But...I’d like to want the guy myself and that isn’t going to happen until I see that he’s willing to put in some time and effort. Todd calls me for hours at a time so I know he’s serious...barring that type of attention...I’m keeping it to myself.

I like the first dates where I'm taken to a lovely place and someone has obviously made an effort to see to it that I was shown a nice time. It’s funny but the man who spent the most cash on me, buying lunch at a great restaurant that included two very expensive bottles of wine, never went for anything more than a nice kiss and he let me take over for that.

He was smart enough to just say, “I’d love to kiss you right now.” That was smart because he let me know that he wanted a kiss but that he was sweet enough not to suck face with me against my will. After he said that...I leaned over and kissed him. And it was a good one. I liked that. Usually when men start buying a bunch of alcohol, a woman has to worry about something. But even after the wine, he still left it all to me.

That was so smart because if I didn’t want to kiss him, I would have just smiled pleasantly and blushed or some such coy shit. He did everything right as opposed to the freak with the hard on.

I find that if a woman is just out having fun, she will attract any man that she wants simply because she is having fun. Men seem to like that in a woman. Conversely...if a man has made an effort to show me some fun...I can’t help but like him.

I couldn’t imagine ever appreciating a man who has pants full of fire just for the sake of the fire. But, with the regularity with which they seem to pop up...I have to think that it must have worked for them at some point or they wouldn’t be doing it. Where are those women? I’ve never met one that admitted to doing anything like that and I doubt that any self respecting woman would appreciate it. I don’t care how many bottles of expensive wine that he bought.

My friend is wondering how to get back into dating and I hope I helped her a bit by writing this although I’m sure that she is smart enough to figure it out for herself. I just had a jump on her with the freedom crap so I’ve encountered enough men to know a few things that she would have seen for herself. I think that the most surprising thing that I’ve learned since Rick has been gone is that there are so many men out there who think that a first date is an opportunity to get a nut. So, I don’t have as many expectations as I might have early last year. I’m just happy not to be assaulted. That shouldn’t be such an odd thing to expect, but obviously it is. I’m so happy with the guys who don’t do that stupid horny stuff that I feel as though I almost owe them a bit of something but I’ll wait until the time is right for that...it will be soon enough.

For now I’m just happy to correspond with a guy who enjoys chatting with me and has no expectations of ME. That’s kind of sweet. And sweet is always good. A stiffie in the park is NEVER good and neither is a man who wants me to set up a little bordello in a hotel in Beverly Hills.

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