Hi again!
I've finally found a computer that I can use for now and I hope that I can continue to do so until I get home. I wanted to let you all know that I'm stilll alive and at my new "beau's" place. I'm truly enjoying myself and that's something that I haven't been able to say for a very long time. I should be going home soon but I'm not exactly sure when because it's very possible that I may be moving closer to Todd's home.
That's a very scary propostion for me because, for obvious reasons, I have a lot of trust issues. One of the things that I truly love about this man is the fact that I never, ever doubt a thing that he says. (Unless I'm having one of my freaky "Nothing this good could ever happen to me" moments.) I have never been with a man about whom I could say that and I like it. Oddly though, it's myself that I'm having trouble trusting. By that, I mean that I'm having trouble trusting my feelings and deciphering what they mean. I've never felt like this about a man before so I'm not sure what's going on here. I thought that I loved Rick but if THIS is love, then I can't honestly say that I ever did.
I have quite a bit of thinking to do...that's something that I never really did before. I pretty much just went with the feeling du jour and assumed that it was love. I'm as confused about that as I can be, but that's the way it is. I have to wonder if there are other people out there who are in rocky relationships that they are trying to hold on to for the same reasons that I tried so hard to hold on to my marriage.
Of course, it's always possible that I WAS in love and that there are different types of love. If this is making sense to ANYONE out there, please write and let me know that I'm not insane. If anyone else out there has ever felt these same feelings, I'd like to know so that perhaps other people can learn from us and what we are going through or have gone through.
Not everything is perfect right now...there have been a few bumps over the past week. But, I can't blame any of it on Todd. Each time we hit one of those bumps...it was because of me and something that made me feel like running away. It's all that I can do to tell myself that I need to stay and work these things out. I am determined to learn how to enjoy a decent relationhsip and not run at the first sign of fear which is usually what I do. It's always been very easy for me to bolt whenever anything bad happened. My mother used to say that I would do things to trash a relationship myself before the other person had a chance to disappoint me. If that was true, I certainly didn't do it consciously. My mom was a pretty smart cookie when it came to people so I kind of trust that she was right.
I certainly think that she may have been right when I start to get scared with Todd. Over the past week, I've found myself ready to leave a few times. I felt prefectly justified each time but I forced myself to stay and wait to see what happened. And, what happened was that after a little while...I realized that there wasn't anything wrong at all. So, I'm quite glad that I didn't book and I hope that I can keep telling myself to shut up and trust Todd. Now, I just hope that he can put up with my "issues" long enough for me to get over this hideous habit of mine of leaving rather than working through whatever is bothering me. Lord knows that a lot of men wouldn't bother dealing with some nutty broad who doesn't seem to know what she wants.
I DO know what I want. I want him. And if he can handle my psychotic episodes a bit longer, then I think that we will have a great time together...for a very, very long time.
I'll be back the first chance I get....see ya!
Meg
meg.kelso@gmail.com
I've finally found a computer that I can use for now and I hope that I can continue to do so until I get home. I wanted to let you all know that I'm stilll alive and at my new "beau's" place. I'm truly enjoying myself and that's something that I haven't been able to say for a very long time. I should be going home soon but I'm not exactly sure when because it's very possible that I may be moving closer to Todd's home.
That's a very scary propostion for me because, for obvious reasons, I have a lot of trust issues. One of the things that I truly love about this man is the fact that I never, ever doubt a thing that he says. (Unless I'm having one of my freaky "Nothing this good could ever happen to me" moments.) I have never been with a man about whom I could say that and I like it. Oddly though, it's myself that I'm having trouble trusting. By that, I mean that I'm having trouble trusting my feelings and deciphering what they mean. I've never felt like this about a man before so I'm not sure what's going on here. I thought that I loved Rick but if THIS is love, then I can't honestly say that I ever did.
I have quite a bit of thinking to do...that's something that I never really did before. I pretty much just went with the feeling du jour and assumed that it was love. I'm as confused about that as I can be, but that's the way it is. I have to wonder if there are other people out there who are in rocky relationships that they are trying to hold on to for the same reasons that I tried so hard to hold on to my marriage.
Of course, it's always possible that I WAS in love and that there are different types of love. If this is making sense to ANYONE out there, please write and let me know that I'm not insane. If anyone else out there has ever felt these same feelings, I'd like to know so that perhaps other people can learn from us and what we are going through or have gone through.
Not everything is perfect right now...there have been a few bumps over the past week. But, I can't blame any of it on Todd. Each time we hit one of those bumps...it was because of me and something that made me feel like running away. It's all that I can do to tell myself that I need to stay and work these things out. I am determined to learn how to enjoy a decent relationhsip and not run at the first sign of fear which is usually what I do. It's always been very easy for me to bolt whenever anything bad happened. My mother used to say that I would do things to trash a relationship myself before the other person had a chance to disappoint me. If that was true, I certainly didn't do it consciously. My mom was a pretty smart cookie when it came to people so I kind of trust that she was right.
I certainly think that she may have been right when I start to get scared with Todd. Over the past week, I've found myself ready to leave a few times. I felt prefectly justified each time but I forced myself to stay and wait to see what happened. And, what happened was that after a little while...I realized that there wasn't anything wrong at all. So, I'm quite glad that I didn't book and I hope that I can keep telling myself to shut up and trust Todd. Now, I just hope that he can put up with my "issues" long enough for me to get over this hideous habit of mine of leaving rather than working through whatever is bothering me. Lord knows that a lot of men wouldn't bother dealing with some nutty broad who doesn't seem to know what she wants.
I DO know what I want. I want him. And if he can handle my psychotic episodes a bit longer, then I think that we will have a great time together...for a very, very long time.
I'll be back the first chance I get....see ya!
Meg
meg.kelso@gmail.com
posted by Meg Kelso | 12:28 PM
2 Comments:
Those feelings? Yeah, I absolutely get that. It's what I had with my late DH.
You surely HAVE been missing some powerful stuff, Meg.
TW
You know, as old as this post may be, I AM STILL MISSING POWERFUL stuff.
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