Hi there...
A guy who met his current wife while still married to his first wife asked me what advice that I would give someone who found themselves in a relationship fraught with lies. He wanted to know how a couple, knowing that both of them had lied and cheated to get together, could have faith in each other. What a good question.
I’m going to ignore my urge to say, “Well, you made your bed, lie in it.” and just answer the question because it IS a great question, isn’t it? My advice to them is actually the same that I would give to anyone who wants to be in a relationship...DON’T LIE ANYMORE!
No matter what is going on, tell the truth. No matter how bad is makes you look, tell the truth. If you think that the truth will get you in a big crock pot full of trouble, tell the truth anyway. You may fight over something for a few days, but in the long run, it’s much more emotionally economical to just tell the truth.
I used to tell Rick that if he would just be honest with me, no matter how hard it was, that I would trust him. But, he couldn’t do it. For whatever reason, Rick lied any time he THOUGHT that I might not like the truth. Perhaps I wouldn’t have liked the truth, but I deserved it...and I could have dealt with it. I may have been angry, but I would have gotten over it and dealt with. I deserved the opportunity to be angry...and if he had told the truth, Rick would have deserved my trust. But he couldn't be honest and I couldn't trust him...and that killed a perfectly good marriage.
When a person lies, they get used to it and sooner or later, they seem to believe their own lies just enough to be irate if you don’t believe them. That’s an odd phenomenon, but one that I have found to be quite real.
Another thing, when you lie...it gets easier every time and worse, it gets tougher to tell the truth. That’s why I was happy with Chip, he never lied and I never doubted him. If you’re with a liar who is late coming home, you'll start to wonder who they’re with and what evil thing they’re doing. But, if you are with an honest person, when they’re late, you'll worry that they may have been in an accident because you KNOW they wouldn’t do anything wrong. If you read the post where I discussed men who went to strip bars I said that Chip had told me he liked to do that occasionally and it didn’t bother me because he was telling me the truth. And, I trusted him like I could never have trusted Rick because Rick wouldn’t give me the respect of being honest. So, if you are a couple who, for whatever reason, got together because of lies, it will be extremely difficult to always trust each other and that’s a shame.
But, if there’s one thing that would help, it’s to make a pact that from this moment on, there will be no lying. And, you have to stay loyal to the pact with every fiber of your being. Of course, there are some things that you shouldn’t have to mention, like things that happened before you were married, there’s no purpose in discussing those matters and it's none of the new person's business. If so if you’re with someone who asks questions about things that are none of their business...just say so. At least when they ask about something important, they’ll believe your answer. This guys wife is already calling him a “lying sack of shit” and that’s not a good thing. From what I gathered in the email, he lied about being married but at some point (I don’t know when), she knew that he was a married man. If that’s true and she kept seeing him, she doesn’t have the right to throw rocks in that glass house so I would suggest that she look at herself a bit as well.
None of us are without fault and you can always find fault with another person...that doesn’t mean that you should. So, if this woman can’t get the lies out of her mind, she shouldn’t be in that relationship. But, if she will stop calling her husband a liar and just begin to trust him, he will be cognizant of that trust and it will keep him a bit closer to home and a helluva lot more honest in the future. It’s tougher to lie to a person who has faith in you than it is to lie to someone who thinks you’re a liar. If there was someone who thought that I was a liar, I would certainly be more likely to lie than I would with someone who had faith in me. I wouldn’t want to damage that faith so I would be much less likely to lie to them .
So, even if you don’t have complete faith in a person, act as if you do so that they can see the faith that you have in them and they’ll eventually live up to that. If she continues to call the man a liar...he WILL live up to that as well so just have faith, be honest and don’t ask stupid questions about things that happened in the past. Just start, from this day forward, vowing to be honest to each other, no matter what. That is the absolute ONLY way to remain in a relationship for any length of time with loyalty, trust and fidelity. A person who tells the truth no matter what is going to be trusted completely. As I said, it isn’t always easy, but it most assuredly IS the only way to remain in a relationship with trust all around.
OK, now I’m going to go read the paper and see what annoys me today...I’ll be back soon.
Meg
A guy who met his current wife while still married to his first wife asked me what advice that I would give someone who found themselves in a relationship fraught with lies. He wanted to know how a couple, knowing that both of them had lied and cheated to get together, could have faith in each other. What a good question.
I’m going to ignore my urge to say, “Well, you made your bed, lie in it.” and just answer the question because it IS a great question, isn’t it? My advice to them is actually the same that I would give to anyone who wants to be in a relationship...DON’T LIE ANYMORE!
No matter what is going on, tell the truth. No matter how bad is makes you look, tell the truth. If you think that the truth will get you in a big crock pot full of trouble, tell the truth anyway. You may fight over something for a few days, but in the long run, it’s much more emotionally economical to just tell the truth.
I used to tell Rick that if he would just be honest with me, no matter how hard it was, that I would trust him. But, he couldn’t do it. For whatever reason, Rick lied any time he THOUGHT that I might not like the truth. Perhaps I wouldn’t have liked the truth, but I deserved it...and I could have dealt with it. I may have been angry, but I would have gotten over it and dealt with. I deserved the opportunity to be angry...and if he had told the truth, Rick would have deserved my trust. But he couldn't be honest and I couldn't trust him...and that killed a perfectly good marriage.
When a person lies, they get used to it and sooner or later, they seem to believe their own lies just enough to be irate if you don’t believe them. That’s an odd phenomenon, but one that I have found to be quite real.
Another thing, when you lie...it gets easier every time and worse, it gets tougher to tell the truth. That’s why I was happy with Chip, he never lied and I never doubted him. If you’re with a liar who is late coming home, you'll start to wonder who they’re with and what evil thing they’re doing. But, if you are with an honest person, when they’re late, you'll worry that they may have been in an accident because you KNOW they wouldn’t do anything wrong. If you read the post where I discussed men who went to strip bars I said that Chip had told me he liked to do that occasionally and it didn’t bother me because he was telling me the truth. And, I trusted him like I could never have trusted Rick because Rick wouldn’t give me the respect of being honest. So, if you are a couple who, for whatever reason, got together because of lies, it will be extremely difficult to always trust each other and that’s a shame.
But, if there’s one thing that would help, it’s to make a pact that from this moment on, there will be no lying. And, you have to stay loyal to the pact with every fiber of your being. Of course, there are some things that you shouldn’t have to mention, like things that happened before you were married, there’s no purpose in discussing those matters and it's none of the new person's business. If so if you’re with someone who asks questions about things that are none of their business...just say so. At least when they ask about something important, they’ll believe your answer. This guys wife is already calling him a “lying sack of shit” and that’s not a good thing. From what I gathered in the email, he lied about being married but at some point (I don’t know when), she knew that he was a married man. If that’s true and she kept seeing him, she doesn’t have the right to throw rocks in that glass house so I would suggest that she look at herself a bit as well.
None of us are without fault and you can always find fault with another person...that doesn’t mean that you should. So, if this woman can’t get the lies out of her mind, she shouldn’t be in that relationship. But, if she will stop calling her husband a liar and just begin to trust him, he will be cognizant of that trust and it will keep him a bit closer to home and a helluva lot more honest in the future. It’s tougher to lie to a person who has faith in you than it is to lie to someone who thinks you’re a liar. If there was someone who thought that I was a liar, I would certainly be more likely to lie than I would with someone who had faith in me. I wouldn’t want to damage that faith so I would be much less likely to lie to them .
So, even if you don’t have complete faith in a person, act as if you do so that they can see the faith that you have in them and they’ll eventually live up to that. If she continues to call the man a liar...he WILL live up to that as well so just have faith, be honest and don’t ask stupid questions about things that happened in the past. Just start, from this day forward, vowing to be honest to each other, no matter what. That is the absolute ONLY way to remain in a relationship for any length of time with loyalty, trust and fidelity. A person who tells the truth no matter what is going to be trusted completely. As I said, it isn’t always easy, but it most assuredly IS the only way to remain in a relationship with trust all around.
OK, now I’m going to go read the paper and see what annoys me today...I’ll be back soon.
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:36 AM
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