Good morning!
I'm feeling old...AGAIN. I was just watching the news and they showed some girl named Shakira singing a song called My Hips Don't Lie. They were talking about how popular she was and I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE CHICK BEFORE!!!!
Popular music certainly can make a person feel out of the main stream like little else can. The first time I ever felt old was in 1981 when a disc jockey announced an Elton John song by calling it a "Blast from the past!" Hell, I was 22 or 23 and I felt like I had left Planet 70's, never to return.
Of course, I don't feel as a old or as stupid as Dear Abby. Some lady wrote to her to complain that although she is allergic to her fiance's cologne, he refuses to stop wearing it. Abby said that they should go talk to her doctor so that the fiance understands what an allergy is.
I know what an allergy is. And, if I purposely put something on my body that will cause someone to have an allergic reaction, it's called poison.
Sort of like what we put out when we want rats to leave the area. I can't believe neither of those women figured out that the guy just wants to keep the chick away and he doesn't want to use garlic. No wonder men lie to us...we're morons.
Rick insulted my intelligence for close to 25 years and I still believed him when he said the sky was blue. I didn't even look out the window until the end...and when I did, he called me "distrustful". The man lied to me and lied to me and lied to me. Then, when I called him a liar, he was offended.
Like most compulsive lairs, he would get highly offended when I didn't believe that the pussy hairs on his face were, in reality, chest hairs from a guy at work who put him in a head lock and gave him a noogie on his bald head. When a man is obviously cheating but vehemently denying it, you go a bit nuts. I independently invented a branch of forensics called Adulterology. You heard it here first folks, Adulterolgy.
That's the branch of forensics that deals with a cheater who refuses to admit to their crime. It borrows from many other branches of forensic science like fiber study. It involves things like holding shirts up to the light looking for hairs that obviously have no business on a bald man's chest, checking car seats for fibers that didn't come from the family's wardrobe and searching for hidden phone numbers in all numbers found written in your husband's handwriting.
It also involves a lot of computer science as you look for hidden web sites and check passwords trying to hack into a man's email. It's amazing what computers are capable of, I had no clue until Rick started cheating with ours. I even learned about blogs.
There are no certificates in Adulterolgy, but after 3 cheating husbands, I consider myself the nation's foremost authority in Adulterology and I am well worth the money I charge to investigate your husband...or teach you how to do it yourself. I can't give away all of my secrets for obvious reasons but trust me, I'm very good at sniffing out a cheating husband.
That's because, like the stupid stories that Colleen Lombardi and other adulteress' believe, some things are absolutely universal with cheating men. For example, a cheating man will always admit to a lesser crime than what he is actually guilty of. My ex would tell me that he picked up a 16 year old hitchhiker and made out with her when he had actually screwed a 40 year old hag (I was 20 and he was 22) and had been screwing her for a very long time. (That one was easy to get rid of. She took our phone number out of his wallet-where I had put it to take away one of his excuses for not calling home- and called me two weeks before my daughter was born. She said, "I understand you're pregnant." I said, "Yeah, I'm due in two weeks." She asked, "And you don't mind your husband sleeping with me?" I said, "Oh no. The doctor told me I couldn't have sex right now so I told Mark to go out and fuck whatever he could and you're it." Her name was Louisa May Wilson. She was a stupid redneck and she believed me. She kicked Mark out the next time he came over.)
Another thing that all liars do is change their story. You have to stay at them for a while, but they will change their story if you point out the weaknesses. Mark once had four excuses for the same hickey. Let's see if I can remember them all:
1. A guy at work pinched me and wouldn't let go.
2. Hot grease spattered at me.
3. A guy put a mean spin on a football.
4. Uh, I have no clue what in the hell that is.
So, let me know if you need my services, I can amaze you and stun the cheating man. His predictability will give him away. They never try terribly hard not to get caught. Just follow them at work for one day. You'll catch them easily. By the way, here's a clue, if a man purposely covers himself in something that makes you ill, you need to take a peek around.
Well, I have to go to the doctor this morning so I think I'll shower. You never know when they'll want you to take something off.
See ya!
Meg
I'm feeling old...AGAIN. I was just watching the news and they showed some girl named Shakira singing a song called My Hips Don't Lie. They were talking about how popular she was and I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE CHICK BEFORE!!!!
Popular music certainly can make a person feel out of the main stream like little else can. The first time I ever felt old was in 1981 when a disc jockey announced an Elton John song by calling it a "Blast from the past!" Hell, I was 22 or 23 and I felt like I had left Planet 70's, never to return.
Of course, I don't feel as a old or as stupid as Dear Abby. Some lady wrote to her to complain that although she is allergic to her fiance's cologne, he refuses to stop wearing it. Abby said that they should go talk to her doctor so that the fiance understands what an allergy is.
I know what an allergy is. And, if I purposely put something on my body that will cause someone to have an allergic reaction, it's called poison.
Sort of like what we put out when we want rats to leave the area. I can't believe neither of those women figured out that the guy just wants to keep the chick away and he doesn't want to use garlic. No wonder men lie to us...we're morons.
Rick insulted my intelligence for close to 25 years and I still believed him when he said the sky was blue. I didn't even look out the window until the end...and when I did, he called me "distrustful". The man lied to me and lied to me and lied to me. Then, when I called him a liar, he was offended.
Like most compulsive lairs, he would get highly offended when I didn't believe that the pussy hairs on his face were, in reality, chest hairs from a guy at work who put him in a head lock and gave him a noogie on his bald head. When a man is obviously cheating but vehemently denying it, you go a bit nuts. I independently invented a branch of forensics called Adulterology. You heard it here first folks, Adulterolgy.
That's the branch of forensics that deals with a cheater who refuses to admit to their crime. It borrows from many other branches of forensic science like fiber study. It involves things like holding shirts up to the light looking for hairs that obviously have no business on a bald man's chest, checking car seats for fibers that didn't come from the family's wardrobe and searching for hidden phone numbers in all numbers found written in your husband's handwriting.
It also involves a lot of computer science as you look for hidden web sites and check passwords trying to hack into a man's email. It's amazing what computers are capable of, I had no clue until Rick started cheating with ours. I even learned about blogs.
There are no certificates in Adulterolgy, but after 3 cheating husbands, I consider myself the nation's foremost authority in Adulterology and I am well worth the money I charge to investigate your husband...or teach you how to do it yourself. I can't give away all of my secrets for obvious reasons but trust me, I'm very good at sniffing out a cheating husband.
That's because, like the stupid stories that Colleen Lombardi and other adulteress' believe, some things are absolutely universal with cheating men. For example, a cheating man will always admit to a lesser crime than what he is actually guilty of. My ex would tell me that he picked up a 16 year old hitchhiker and made out with her when he had actually screwed a 40 year old hag (I was 20 and he was 22) and had been screwing her for a very long time. (That one was easy to get rid of. She took our phone number out of his wallet-where I had put it to take away one of his excuses for not calling home- and called me two weeks before my daughter was born. She said, "I understand you're pregnant." I said, "Yeah, I'm due in two weeks." She asked, "And you don't mind your husband sleeping with me?" I said, "Oh no. The doctor told me I couldn't have sex right now so I told Mark to go out and fuck whatever he could and you're it." Her name was Louisa May Wilson. She was a stupid redneck and she believed me. She kicked Mark out the next time he came over.)
Another thing that all liars do is change their story. You have to stay at them for a while, but they will change their story if you point out the weaknesses. Mark once had four excuses for the same hickey. Let's see if I can remember them all:
1. A guy at work pinched me and wouldn't let go.
2. Hot grease spattered at me.
3. A guy put a mean spin on a football.
4. Uh, I have no clue what in the hell that is.
So, let me know if you need my services, I can amaze you and stun the cheating man. His predictability will give him away. They never try terribly hard not to get caught. Just follow them at work for one day. You'll catch them easily. By the way, here's a clue, if a man purposely covers himself in something that makes you ill, you need to take a peek around.
Well, I have to go to the doctor this morning so I think I'll shower. You never know when they'll want you to take something off.
See ya!
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 4:52 AM
4 Comments:
No.. you're not getting old. I refuse to accept it. You're not getting old!! *hugs Meg*
Thanks! I needed that.
:):):)
Adulterology? Absolutely awesome! You should write an ebook about it and sell it ;)
Love your blog, you are an inspiration to those of us that don't particularly like the places our lives are at at the moment.
:)
P.S. I think I have some tools for creating ebooks around here somewhere, just give a shout if you ever decide to do it (really).
OK...how do I shout out to you? I hope you come back. If you do, email me about that stuff at megbkelso@gmail.com.
And thank you kindly ma''am!
Meggers
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