"Life begins at forty"...

...explains why I was so bored for the first forty years of my life but it doesn't explain the past eight.

Quite by surprise, I'm a single grandmother. I never planned to be worrying about finding a date for Friday night at this point in my life. But, thanks to a cheating husband and a trailer dwelling bimbo, I am, indeed, a single grandmother. I've never even heard of single grandmothers. Single mothers...yes. But single grandmothers? I should have seen this coming when my first love was an unattainable teen idol.

I've been called a bitter divorcee and I guess that's rather apt. Not that I mind..don't get me wrong. I happen to think that bitterness is highly underated. But the term divorcee just plucks my last nerve.

The word itself sounds so smoking jacket and martini, and I'm nothing like that at all. Divorcee. I'm something that sounds French.

I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that there's a man out there for me. I've haven't found one yet. I don't have one now. The ones that I have met all seem to be assholes.

But,for some strange reason, I love men and I can't seem to keep myself from browsing. It just seems like the natural thing to do. And, the one really positive thing about being dumped by your husband is the fact that you get to screw new men. So, until somebody tells me to stop, that's just what I'm going to do.

I can't sleep with all of them, there just isn't the time. But, I can go through a pretty huge chunk of them before I turn fifty if I set my mind to it. The problem is that that you have to weed through a bunch of toads while you're looking through the selection.

And the bad ones don't wear a special cap or anything so you don't know who they are until they've already had an opportunity to really annoy the heck out of you. A man can go from being charming and witty to being horny and simian in twenty minutes.

I found one once who knew how to obtain a very nice car, put on a very nice suit and carry on a stimulating conversation over dinner. But, the man could not end the date without coming very close to a sexual assault. I have to give him credit...he did call me the next day. And every day after that for the next two months. I never once answered his calls, but they came every night like clockwork. Why is it that the crazy ones always call?

Of course, at my age, the men are all pretty much recylcled. It's impossible to find one that hasn't been trained to another woman's specifications. It takes years and years to train one that you get as a youngster, can you imagine how long you'd have to work to RE-train a man? And...something that I've learned...it's easier to take the mother out of a man than it is to take the ex wife out of him.

I don't really mind the recylcled men. That is, as long as they're ready for reuse. The men who are still hung up on their ex's can be a bit difficult to keep a grip on. I find it best not to date a man who hasn't been out of a relationship any longer than I have. I wouldn't want a man as screwed up as I am.

Another group of men that I've learned to stay away from...the youngun's. I don't have a specific age that I date above, I just have one test that a man must pass. He must answer this question appropriately, "Would you tell your mother about me?"

Any man who wouldn't tell his mother about you isn't old enough. Another problem with the very young, they actually believe that they are doing you the favor in that relationship. I can't have a man who thinks that he's helping me out by gracing me with his presence.

I've gotten over the need to have a date every week but I do appreciate the company of a nice man every so often. Especially if he brings his tools. I have a few things that need to be fixed around the house and I've found that if you date a man more then a few times, they become less industrious. So, I try not to date the same man into laziness. At the first sign of lethargy, I like to get a new one.

My husband was rather lethargic most of the time. I'm actually surprised that he even had the impetus to have an affair. If I catch my TV at the proper angle, I can still see the man in the reflection. His main focus in life for the majority of the time I knew him was to stop the couch from floating away.

I had a list of dating rules that I usually followed when I was in my 20's. I broke almost every single one of those rules when I went out with Rick. The only rule that he conformed to was my height requirement and I think that he lied about that.

As I said, I am enjoying some bitterness right now. A woman needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning and I have my bitterness. My marriage ended abruptly and efficiently. I would have preferred some warning, but instead, I have this wonderful bitterness that has me operating at a level of Mutually Assured Destruction.

In my head I know that I lost a total bonehead and loser but I still feel so acutely betrayed and therefore totally justified in my actions. You may question my righteousness, but never my indignation.

We specifically discussed other people and agreed not to screw anyone else. We made a pact that we would be faithful to each other forever. We called it marriage. I made a lot of plans based on the premise that we would be staying together. So, when he left, I had a lot of spare time and a computer.

Meg