I was thinking about something…

…and after a while it really began to perplex me. I wondered how on God’s green earth Rick could do what he did and then leave without an act of contrition in any way, shape or form. I wondered how a man can spend decades with a woman and then suddenly switch loyalties. It’s like having a parent die without a funeral. A life deserves a bit of remembrance and closure …and so did our life together. I never got to cry for us…I was too busy crying for the hideous way that he ended our relationship. I would have thought that we deserved at least one occasion that we both cried over the death of what he promised me. If was absolutely an end to a life.

But it’s as though it never even happened, as though we were never in love. All the times that he looked into my eyes and told me that he loved me were suddenly meaningless because he would never do it again. I feel like I remembered it all wrong. None of it mattered because Rick didn’t ever give me any reason to believe it ever did matter.

I don’t mind that he’s gone, I’m enjoying my life and the lack of a person to whom I must explain things. I’m so SICK of explaining things that I’m really enjoying being alone. But that doesn’t take away the curiosity and the occasional head shake even now, a couple of weeks past 3 years after life as I knew it ended abrupbtly and and cold-bloodedly.

When the pain was still acute I would ask people who had been through the same thing how long it took to get over the ache that you seem to carry wherever you go. One lady said that “You never get over it.” I think she was right…but what I can't get over is the incredulity of my husband's behavior.

One of the worst feelings is the one that leaves you feeling used and discarded. It’s not fair that I put so much of my life into that man and he left me here to rot because he wanted someone else like he once wanted me. How could anyone do something like that to the person that they profess to love “more than anything else in the world”?

I can’t imagine that it’s terribly easy to deal with the guilt feelings that I would suffer if I had treated him so badly…but if he felt any sense of decency he wouldn’t have ever been in the position where I would stand in shock, stunned at the mere idea that he could have it in himself to be so callous. I doubt that feeling ever goes away, it would only get worse because of the effects of time…you seem to remember the good things much more. That just makes it more confusing when you stop to think about things. I probably shouldn’t think about it and now I’ll stop.

Well, my room is starting to come along, I bought new sheets that match the walls. I need a bed and the new furniture but I’ve taken care of all the trimmings…all I need is that big stuff. It is fun decorating and I’m going to go from room to room so I guess I’ll be having a lot of fun in the future…but I’ll be spending a lot of money as well. Of course if Rick had treated me decently it would be much more difficult to enjoy my new stuff…I guess that’s what the alimony is for.

Well, I finally woke up and now I’m going to put those new bedclothes on my bed. That’ll be fun…and expensive. This is fun and I have Rick to thank for making this all possible. If he had stayed with me we would never have shit much less new furniture. I don’t know how he did it but he kept us totally broke. So…all things considered, it’s really not so bad that Rick acted like he did, I’ve raised my standard of living and I don’t have to wonder what I’m doing wrong all the time.

That’s a HUGE increase in my standard of living right there.

:):):)