Things I never considered
Thanks to the lovely legal concept...
...of double jeopardy, I can tell you this story. According to the laws in this state, I can shout from the rooftops that I murdered my husband and there isn't a thing that any court can do about it. My only regret is that he isn't here so that I can thank him for providing me with the perfect defense to a murder charge.
I didn't really want my husband dead, I would have preferred to remain happily married to him. But, he cheated on me again. I might have been able to handle the affair itself, but he wanted to leave me and that, I could not allow. At my age, given the choice, I would rather be a widow than another middle aged woman who was tossed aside by a cheating husband.
I remember the very moment that it occurred to me that killing the bastard was an option. I was sitting on my front porch chain smoking and swallowing sedatives in an attempt to stop the hideous pain that had been torturing me for months. From the moment that I learned about my husband's most recent affair, I had been in a constant state of panic.
My life literally consisted of me wringing my hands and pacing throughout my house for hours every single day of my life as I worried where my husband was and with whom he was spending his time. When he was at home, I sat there wondering where the love that he once showed so passionately had gone. Bedtime was the loneliest time of all as I laid next to my husband of 20 years. He slept with his back to me as I would lie there aching to be held, all the time knowing that I was nothing to him anymore except an obstacle keeping him from the woman that he wanted.
When I told my husband that his behavior was driving me insane, he responded, "You're doing it to yourself. The only chance our marriage has is if you get therapy for your trust issues." As asinine as it seems today, it was easier for me to believe that I was crazy than it was to believe that my husband didn't love me anymore. So, I went to a psychiatrist. That's where I got the sedatives, not to mention the anti-depressants and the mood elevators.
No matter how many pills I took, the pain never stopped. After a couple of months of psychiatrist visits, I was still as confused as I ever had been. The only thing that changed was my husband. His anger at me for existing beyond my usefulness increased and became much more evident. His daily phone calls from work had stopped long ago and when I would call him, the constant busy signal only served to strengthen my suspicions. As the truth continued to bang on my head, I began to accept it.
Accepting the truth didn't make things any easier, especially when my husband was lying to me constantly. The constant state of panic would not abate. I prayed constantly for a brief respite from the pain that began in my gut and spread to every fiber of my body. Nothing would make it stop and I couldn't imagine it slowing down anytime soon. The afternoon that I was sitting on my front porch wondering what in the world I could do to feel happy again, if only for a moment, was when I finally came up with a solution to my problem.
I don't know where the idea came from, it just sort of popped into my head. But as soon as it did, my pain stopped. The sudden absence of pain convinced me that the idea was a good one. It only took about two minutes to make the decision and after that, I began planning to kill the source of my pain...my husband.
Suddenly I found myself thinking clearly for the first time in years. I perceived a resolve that I hadn't felt in decades. For months I had barely eaten enough to keep a mouse alive and now I was ravenous. I was able to get rid of the constant suspicions because none of them mattered anymore. I had a murder to plan and that required a healthy body and a sound mind. I couldn't afford to make any mistakes.
Once the decision to kill the man was made, the rest was easy. I immediately decided on anti-freeze as a "weapon". That plan had a couple of hurdles to overcome but I was sure that I could make it work. First of all, I didn't know how much anti-freeze it took to kill a man. I was afraid to look it up on my computer out of fear that the police would be able to figure that out. I didn't know enough about computers so I figured that I had better go to a library to get the "recipe" for an anti-freeze murder. And, it probably would be a good idea if the library that I used was a good distance away from my house.
Part 2 tomorrow.
...of double jeopardy, I can tell you this story. According to the laws in this state, I can shout from the rooftops that I murdered my husband and there isn't a thing that any court can do about it. My only regret is that he isn't here so that I can thank him for providing me with the perfect defense to a murder charge.
I didn't really want my husband dead, I would have preferred to remain happily married to him. But, he cheated on me again. I might have been able to handle the affair itself, but he wanted to leave me and that, I could not allow. At my age, given the choice, I would rather be a widow than another middle aged woman who was tossed aside by a cheating husband.
I remember the very moment that it occurred to me that killing the bastard was an option. I was sitting on my front porch chain smoking and swallowing sedatives in an attempt to stop the hideous pain that had been torturing me for months. From the moment that I learned about my husband's most recent affair, I had been in a constant state of panic.
My life literally consisted of me wringing my hands and pacing throughout my house for hours every single day of my life as I worried where my husband was and with whom he was spending his time. When he was at home, I sat there wondering where the love that he once showed so passionately had gone. Bedtime was the loneliest time of all as I laid next to my husband of 20 years. He slept with his back to me as I would lie there aching to be held, all the time knowing that I was nothing to him anymore except an obstacle keeping him from the woman that he wanted.
When I told my husband that his behavior was driving me insane, he responded, "You're doing it to yourself. The only chance our marriage has is if you get therapy for your trust issues." As asinine as it seems today, it was easier for me to believe that I was crazy than it was to believe that my husband didn't love me anymore. So, I went to a psychiatrist. That's where I got the sedatives, not to mention the anti-depressants and the mood elevators.
No matter how many pills I took, the pain never stopped. After a couple of months of psychiatrist visits, I was still as confused as I ever had been. The only thing that changed was my husband. His anger at me for existing beyond my usefulness increased and became much more evident. His daily phone calls from work had stopped long ago and when I would call him, the constant busy signal only served to strengthen my suspicions. As the truth continued to bang on my head, I began to accept it.
Accepting the truth didn't make things any easier, especially when my husband was lying to me constantly. The constant state of panic would not abate. I prayed constantly for a brief respite from the pain that began in my gut and spread to every fiber of my body. Nothing would make it stop and I couldn't imagine it slowing down anytime soon. The afternoon that I was sitting on my front porch wondering what in the world I could do to feel happy again, if only for a moment, was when I finally came up with a solution to my problem.
I don't know where the idea came from, it just sort of popped into my head. But as soon as it did, my pain stopped. The sudden absence of pain convinced me that the idea was a good one. It only took about two minutes to make the decision and after that, I began planning to kill the source of my pain...my husband.
Suddenly I found myself thinking clearly for the first time in years. I perceived a resolve that I hadn't felt in decades. For months I had barely eaten enough to keep a mouse alive and now I was ravenous. I was able to get rid of the constant suspicions because none of them mattered anymore. I had a murder to plan and that required a healthy body and a sound mind. I couldn't afford to make any mistakes.
Once the decision to kill the man was made, the rest was easy. I immediately decided on anti-freeze as a "weapon". That plan had a couple of hurdles to overcome but I was sure that I could make it work. First of all, I didn't know how much anti-freeze it took to kill a man. I was afraid to look it up on my computer out of fear that the police would be able to figure that out. I didn't know enough about computers so I figured that I had better go to a library to get the "recipe" for an anti-freeze murder. And, it probably would be a good idea if the library that I used was a good distance away from my house.
Part 2 tomorrow.
posted by Meg Kelso | 12:45 PM
2 Comments:
Where did this come from? What are you going to do if the police do show up at your door? Are you going to tell them who the woman is?
I am so curious and can't wait to hear the rest.
I know where it came from. There's no way in hell I would rat this chick out.
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