I don't want to...
...have a relationship with a guy and that's all there is to it. I thought that I did, I was really, really happy when I thought about Cheek Dude but yesterday reminded me of the pain that Rick put me through every single fucking day of my life for years.
It isn't jealousy, I don't know that I have anything to be jealous of. It's just that I don't want to take a chance of being with a man who doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. I can't handle that hideous feeling again and I certainly won't set myself up for it by caring for someone who may or may not date other women. I give. It's not meant for me. My mother was right.
I keep on trying to be happy but I can't do it for any length of time. There's just too much on me right now. I don't want to deal with the pressure. I have a date with him on Friday and I'll probably keep it, but I'm sticking my heart back where it was. I "leaned in" and instead of feeling good, it scared the hell out of me.
I guess Rick did more damage than I thought. Thanks honeybuns. You got your way. You said you didn't want me seeing other men while you were seeing another woman. I didn't. Now here I am 3 and a half years later and I just figured out that you made sure that I would never be able to be happy with another man...ever. I hope you're having fun with this.
In my head I know you guys are all right and I shouldn't give up on Cheek Dude but my heart is ruling the roost right now and telling me that I need to back off and give up. I don't ever, ever, ever want to be in a position that could potentially make me feel as badly as Rick made me feel. It's worse than anything else that I'm dealing with. I can handle the tumor. I can handle the chemo. I can handle the fact that Rick doesn't care enough to call and ask me how I'm doing. I can pretty much handle not being able to work while I'm on the chemo. But I can't handle setting myself up for another fall like the one I took with Rick.
I don't want to and I won't.
...have a relationship with a guy and that's all there is to it. I thought that I did, I was really, really happy when I thought about Cheek Dude but yesterday reminded me of the pain that Rick put me through every single fucking day of my life for years.
It isn't jealousy, I don't know that I have anything to be jealous of. It's just that I don't want to take a chance of being with a man who doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. I can't handle that hideous feeling again and I certainly won't set myself up for it by caring for someone who may or may not date other women. I give. It's not meant for me. My mother was right.
I keep on trying to be happy but I can't do it for any length of time. There's just too much on me right now. I don't want to deal with the pressure. I have a date with him on Friday and I'll probably keep it, but I'm sticking my heart back where it was. I "leaned in" and instead of feeling good, it scared the hell out of me.
I guess Rick did more damage than I thought. Thanks honeybuns. You got your way. You said you didn't want me seeing other men while you were seeing another woman. I didn't. Now here I am 3 and a half years later and I just figured out that you made sure that I would never be able to be happy with another man...ever. I hope you're having fun with this.
In my head I know you guys are all right and I shouldn't give up on Cheek Dude but my heart is ruling the roost right now and telling me that I need to back off and give up. I don't ever, ever, ever want to be in a position that could potentially make me feel as badly as Rick made me feel. It's worse than anything else that I'm dealing with. I can handle the tumor. I can handle the chemo. I can handle the fact that Rick doesn't care enough to call and ask me how I'm doing. I can pretty much handle not being able to work while I'm on the chemo. But I can't handle setting myself up for another fall like the one I took with Rick.
I don't want to and I won't.
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:16 AM
6 Comments:
But it's still early days with Cheek Dude. Don't read too much into it just yet; go with the flow, enjoy being spoiled cos you deserve it!!!
Let's get together one night next week!
That's my point! If it's this bad now, how the HELL MUCH WORSE CAN IT GET? I do NOT want to know.
Yeah, dinner would be great. I'll make it and you, me and Hottie can chat while we eat.
:)
I don't know you and can't tell you what to do...but I hope you reconsider this. Love is always a risk. We just have to decide who is worth the risk.
That's assuming I can talk & drool at the same time!
Lim, OK, I won't serve soup.
Annonymous,
I hear ya. We take risks because we hope for a pay off. I have NEVER been lucky in the love department so the odds are worse than winning the lottery. I got 4 numbers out of 6 once and that's better than I ever did with a man. I still occasionaly play the lottery, but only because I won't be hurt if I lose a dollar. But if I roll the dice in love and lose, that's a price I can't afford.
As I said, I get it in my head. I can't help the fact that my heart is screwing with me. Over the past few days I've taken more xanax that I usually take in one day just because of the dreadful feeling in my gut. I can't risk my health, my nerves or my xanax on something so tenuous.
Thanks for the comment, I know you're trying to help.
I hate to say this to you, sugah, but:
You are letting Rick win.
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