In 1984, I drank an entire bottle of some trendy cheap wine. At least it was considered trendy in the place where I found my ex. I was relatively young and inexperienced at drinking so naturally the cheap wine made me sick. As I was worshipping the porcelain throne, the lid kept coming down on my head. I became annoyed at which point I took that damn toilet seat lid and I smashed it into the tank. As the laws of physics would dictate, that lid came back with an equal and opposite force.

Did I move my face? Nooooo...I was preoccupied with blowing chunks. So, the edge of the toilet seat lid hammered me in the bridge of my nose. It left me with two black eyes and a huge gash right smack in between them. It doesn't matter what you tell people when you're in that condition, they won't believe you. So, I stopped telling the real story shortly after it happened. I absolutely did not come out looking good, no matter how much I toyed with the facts.

But, eventually the black eyes went away and the gash heeled. I have a small scar that you can see if I point it out. Oh, and not THAT many people saw it in the first place. At least not when you compare them to the people who can see the astronaut chick's tool bag floating in space.

You can see it yourself:

• Click here to see the bag fly by overhead.

When the chick lost "one of the largest items ever lost by a spacewalking astronaut", her blunder was reported ad nauseam by news agency's around the world. Now people all over the planet are following that tool bag with the smallest of telescopes. It floats through the night sky as a monument to total and utter stupidly and proof of her major gaffe.

Heidi-Marie admitted Wednesday that she "made a mistake by not checking to see if the sack was tied down." Yeah, that would do it. It's sort of like me dragging the leash on the ground as I tried to take my dog for a walk.

Then she said that, "It was hardest coming back in and having to face everybody else." You think that's tough? Wait until you're known as Butterfingers...not a good appellation for an astronaut. I feel worse for the other people who have to depend on Butterfingers for something that will get them home. I'd be tempted to stick her in one of those sleep things that Sigourney Weaver and the cat travelled in. She'd be fine...back on earth where she couldn't ask stupid questions like, "What's this button for?"

The dude who was out there with Butterfingers is being rather gallant...he's taking some of the blame. Nice try, but far too obvious. Of course we must have a plan to "help prevent any more leaking grease guns or loose bags." And you can try that, but there's always that one flaw...a PERSON has to engage the stupid thing in some way and if they forget, all that work was for nothing.

Supposedly, "the bag and its contents will eventually harmlessly burn up in the Earth's atmosphere, though it poses a risk to the space station and other orbiting satellites until then." I'm curious, where exactly IS the shuttle Endeavour? Wouldn't NASA look stupid if that tool bag smacked the shuttle on one of the orbits?

I think the part that bugs me the most about this entire tool bag thing is the fact that no one is asking any questions about the thing Butterfingers was supposed to be fixing. It seems as though a very important moving part of the solar panel thingie is "jammed with metal grit from grinding parts." That sounds exactly like something that a mechanic told me about my '71 Impala. I would've thought that they'd be able to come up with some new technology since then.

It's not like they aren't studying new stuff...NASA is now working on a recycling system for turning urine into drinking water. Who thought up that gem? If they need water they could just blast off with one of those Hooterville-type water tanks. I sure don't want to quench a thirst with pee water.

Oh well, I guess that's why I'm not Magellan or some other great explorer. Too many pee issues.