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Monday, August 24, 2009

Yesterday I was flipping through channels...

...and as I stopped at a morning news show, I heard a tease for an upcoming segment. Apparently someone had done some sort of study about women and how important sex is in their lives. They implied that the study would be "shocking". Of course, they were male reporters...and when it comes to sex, you can tell a man any bad stuff and he will be shocked at what "other men" do. It's amazing, it really is. You could describe your nightmare love-making session and it could be EXACTLY what your man does...but he won't see himself in the story. You could delineate the man's nipple ring, shaved head and penile tattoo, yet he will REFUSE to recognize himself in any story that does NOT cast him as the heroic stud who comes to the horny nymphomaniacs' rescue.

I didn't ever get back to that channel to see what the study had concluded, but I'm pretty sure that I can guess. And...I doubt that TOO many men would REALLY be shocked at my supposition. I think they know that if women were as horny as are they, Obama would be discussing Funds for Fucking instead of Cash for Clunkers. But someone has to put on the sexual breaks and it falls to women to do so.

We seem to be able to see the fun in activities that do NOT include the possibility of burning our necks with a curling iron. Especially when you consider that we just end up with bedhead anyway. I don't mind getting ready for the day, but getting all prettied up for a romp in the hay seems like a HUGE waste of my time. Imagine going to all that trouble only to look up and see a man with his eyes closed. Now THAT's annoying.

And, under the best of love-making circumstances, women need a shower as soon as it's over. (There are some things that powder just doesn't help.) Even if a chick showered ten minutes before, there's really no way to avoid another shower after sex. And, if we actually primped before sex, we need to use eye make-up remover to get the mascara off. Decent sex is very unforgiving on most mascaras. I'd like to see a commercial for the stuff that says, "You can have 4 orgasms and your mascara STILL won't run." THAT I would buy. But I digress.

If primping and de-primping were the only chore, it wouldn't be so bad. But remember, that's under the BEST of circumstances. Most love-making does not fall into that category. Sadly, too many delusional men are walking around. The smother fuckers alone make up a relatively large percentage of men and I don't understand that at all. You would think that some bitch along the way would have said, "GET YOUR DAMN WEIGHT OFF OF ME!!!" or that one of them would have died but a smother fucker will still crush your chest with the full weight of his own body and that's NEVER a good thing. Why these yahoos don't use the elbows God gave them is beyond me.

As women, we like to be efficient and utilise our time efficiently. But men seem to think that it's a good thing to "last all night". Like bathtub sex, lasting all night is good on paper, but in practice, it really doesn't live up to the hype. Yet, there are men who seem to think that we want their smelly, funked up and sweat dripping bodies on us for more than 20 minutes or so. Anything that's gonna happen is generally gonna happen in 20 minutes so after that the thrusting is pretty superfluous and a tad unwelcome. As general rule of thumb, sex should last no longer than it takes to fix one's hair, apply make-up and get dressed.

Don't get me wrong...having a lot of sex is a good thing, but for real...take a break every so often. Unless I'm mid-orgasm, I always appreciate a guy who says, "Let's watch Family Guy and then make love again." If there were a sex union, a break would be mandatory. As it is, I just get irritated after a certain period of time and TRUST ME...NOTHING good could come of that.

Sometimes a nice, thoughtful man will pop-up and he'll want to do whatever it is that a woman wants to do so for that guy...here are some ideas of THINGS THAT I WOULD RATHER DO THAN HAVE SEX:

1. Clean out my ears out with generic q-tips.
2. Pull weeds out of the cracks in my sidewalk.
3. Clean out my junk drawers.
4. Vacuum the cobwebs from behind my desk.
5. Pick up the pine cones in my back yard.
6. Pick at the dead skin peeling off of my right foot.
7. Stare into my refrigerator.
8. Check the Brillo Pad I'm currently using for rust.
9. Call my father and borrow money from him.
10. Clean the blades on every ceiling fan in the house.
11. Floss.
12. Apply Ora-Gel to the roof off my mouth where I burned myself eating really hot pizza.
13. Check my dog's backside for fleas.
14. Dump my panties out of my panty drawer, fold them all and then put them back according to type; bikini's, granny's or the uncomfortable ones that I only wear before sex.
15. Spray bleach around the shower to stop mildew from sprouting.
16. Search for and throw away all out of date phone books.
17. Pull down the ugly wall-paper in my bathroom.
18. Take the bag of lone socks from the laundry room and see if any match.
19. Pumice any and all callouses on my body.
20. And last...but certainly not least...masturbate.

Now...if you REALLY want to impress a woman...forget all that "last all night" crap and offer to help in any of the first 19 productive pursuits listed above.


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