My friend and I...
...can be rather caustic and biting in our daily banter. We do it because we're both Irish and we both know that a well timed "Go fuck yourself!" is not necessarily a negative exclamation. It can just as easily be as funny as shit when used well. My friend Karen and I can bring our own dry wits to new and improved levels. Currently we are borrowing from The 40 Year Old Virgin as we query each other with, "Do you know how I know YOU'RE gay?" We have few other mutual friends because when together, we feed off of each other and become rather involved in a sarcastic/facetious humor contest and we will make great fun of whatever anybody says. So, here we are, left alone to amuse each other.
When I was married, my idiotex would whine, "I never know when you're kidding!" I explained that one quite simply..."If what I'm saying is silly, I'm only kidding. But if what I say makes sense, I'm serious." He couldn't quite grasp that simple concept. Whatever.
My kids also seemed to be occasionally confused about that problem as well. Once, as I had two of them jerking me around in the grocery store, I proclaimed, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!" I was at the end of an aisle and after my sharp but silly threat, I walked around the endcap just in time to hear my lovely daughter begin chatting again. She knew I didn't have a gun (or at least she figured out that I wouldn't shoot her).
Ah, but Timothy. Poor Timothy...he knew me not. For it was in a quivering, soft and frightened voice that he scolded my daughter all by his brave self, "Are you CRAZY??? She has a GUN!!!"
Now, I shall publish this much while I finish a list-o-stupid stuff I said in the 80's that wasn't true but the kids didn't figure out until the new millennium.
OK...finished:
1. No kids, they do NOT change the words of songs on the radio. I just said that to cover up when I forgot the words.
2. Ann, you're right...there is no marshmallow tree. I just didn't know where marshmallows came from.
3. I did NOT have a gun and if I did, I wouldn't have known how to use it in 1986.
4. Son, your schnozz is not Michael Jackson's original nose. Now that he's gone, you should know that.
5. No, there aren't tiny bugs that live in food to eat the leftovers they find in your mouth, cause cavities and can only be killed by toothpaste and a toothbrush.
6. I never really saw anything moving in the corner...that was just something funny to say after I tucked you in, turned off the light and was about to shut the door.
7. Speaking of bedtime, keeping your eyes and mouth closed for 20 minutes didn't really make you stay awake for the rest of the night.
8. I wouldn't have whipped you in the Ladies Room any more than I would have done it at a restaurant table.
9. There is no "little bird"...kids are just stupid enough to state categorically that, "I did NOT eat the Snickers Bar!" with chocolate all over their faces.
10. NO, there was not a skunk living under my bedroom window. :)
BUT....THERE ARE BEDBUGS!!!!! Hahahahahahaheheheheheheh!!!
...can be rather caustic and biting in our daily banter. We do it because we're both Irish and we both know that a well timed "Go fuck yourself!" is not necessarily a negative exclamation. It can just as easily be as funny as shit when used well. My friend Karen and I can bring our own dry wits to new and improved levels. Currently we are borrowing from The 40 Year Old Virgin as we query each other with, "Do you know how I know YOU'RE gay?" We have few other mutual friends because when together, we feed off of each other and become rather involved in a sarcastic/facetious humor contest and we will make great fun of whatever anybody says. So, here we are, left alone to amuse each other.
When I was married, my idiotex would whine, "I never know when you're kidding!" I explained that one quite simply..."If what I'm saying is silly, I'm only kidding. But if what I say makes sense, I'm serious." He couldn't quite grasp that simple concept. Whatever.
My kids also seemed to be occasionally confused about that problem as well. Once, as I had two of them jerking me around in the grocery store, I proclaimed, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!" I was at the end of an aisle and after my sharp but silly threat, I walked around the endcap just in time to hear my lovely daughter begin chatting again. She knew I didn't have a gun (or at least she figured out that I wouldn't shoot her).
Ah, but Timothy. Poor Timothy...he knew me not. For it was in a quivering, soft and frightened voice that he scolded my daughter all by his brave self, "Are you CRAZY??? She has a GUN!!!"
Now, I shall publish this much while I finish a list-o-stupid stuff I said in the 80's that wasn't true but the kids didn't figure out until the new millennium.
OK...finished:
1. No kids, they do NOT change the words of songs on the radio. I just said that to cover up when I forgot the words.
2. Ann, you're right...there is no marshmallow tree. I just didn't know where marshmallows came from.
3. I did NOT have a gun and if I did, I wouldn't have known how to use it in 1986.
4. Son, your schnozz is not Michael Jackson's original nose. Now that he's gone, you should know that.
5. No, there aren't tiny bugs that live in food to eat the leftovers they find in your mouth, cause cavities and can only be killed by toothpaste and a toothbrush.
6. I never really saw anything moving in the corner...that was just something funny to say after I tucked you in, turned off the light and was about to shut the door.
7. Speaking of bedtime, keeping your eyes and mouth closed for 20 minutes didn't really make you stay awake for the rest of the night.
8. I wouldn't have whipped you in the Ladies Room any more than I would have done it at a restaurant table.
9. There is no "little bird"...kids are just stupid enough to state categorically that, "I did NOT eat the Snickers Bar!" with chocolate all over their faces.
10. NO, there was not a skunk living under my bedroom window. :)
BUT....THERE ARE BEDBUGS!!!!! Hahahahahahaheheheheheheh!!!
posted by Meg Kelso | 8:57 AM
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