Getting Annoying People Off The Phone
Anyway Cindy, his daughter, and I have become good Facebook buddies.She posted a bit of a rant the other day and this is it:
I seriously freaking hate talking on the phone. I'm not a phone talker. I hate it. Because ever since I became an adult and my listening skills went way up..... people think "Oh she listens, I'll talk her ear off for 3 hours."....So I've decided from now on, I'm going to interrupt people all the time and tell them I gotta go because the stove caught on fire..... or something crazy like that.
I had to respond to her because I feel just like she does. I hate talking on the phone and I often find myself bored and suffering from anxiety because I can't seem to get in an, "OK then, I have to go...I'll talk to you later." With some people, even that does no good so I need to find creative ways to get myself off the phone, especially if the annoying skank on the other end is a very good friend of mine. So, since I've been around a lot longer than Cindy, I decided to help her out and offer some suggestions:
"You need a Rolodex of stories to tell when you want to get someone off the phone. My brain is full of them because I've been doing it for decades. Since you are so much like me, I'm gonna give you a few free time-tested methods that I find quite successful.
1. Wrap a washcloth around your hand and knock on the front door. The washcloth muffles the sound perfectly, on the phone it sounds like the knock is coming from outside. Then, you have to tell them who knocked, I usually tell people that "Jehovah's Witness are at my door". Other "visitors" include UPS dude, annoying neighbor that constantly borrows stuff, blond chick's car broke down in front of my house and her cell phone is dead, fat kid selling candy bars for the school band.
2. Say, "Whoa! Did you hear that?...OMG...a car just hit a tree out there, I have to call 911!"
3. "Damn it...I gotta go, my dog just had diarrhea all over my carpet!!!"
4. "Damn it...I gotta go, I just had diarrhea in my pants...NEVER TRUST A FART!!! See ya!"
5. If I'm annoyed enough, I simply push the hang-up button while I'm in the middle of a sentence, take the phone off the hook...do a Scarlett O'Hara and simply "worry about it tomorrow".
6. I say, "Uh-oh, it just started raining and my car windows are down, my new lawnmower is in the middle of the back yard and my lingerie is drying on the clothes line!"
7. This is one of my favorites and it actually did happen once. "Oh my word! I made a vegetable lasagna in one of those disposable lasagna pans and as I was taking it out of the oven, the pan collapsed and now I have vegetable lasagna all over my oven door and my kitchen floor, not to mention my socks. Some of the stuff landed on my foot and the heat just reached my skin....OOOWWWW! Gotta go!"
8. This works well too...say "You're not going to believe this but there's an old man with a beagle on a leash and he's letting the dog crap on my yard!" Now, move the phone from your mouth and say, "Hey Gramps...let your dog shit somewhere else! Hey, hey...listen old man, put that gun away..." Then hang up the phone.
9. Knock on your door as described in #1 and tell the person on the phone that the Avon lady is at the door and you need to get some Skin-So-Soft to spray on your poor flea ridden dog. You know, it works pretty well. "Anyway, I've been waiting for her to come by ever since I lost her digits. Gotta run, ciao!"
10. If all else fails, scream, "OMG! There's a raccoon in my living room!...AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Then just hang up.