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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

In case you're wondering...

...what's going on right now, I'll tell you. I feel totally afraid, almost to a panic state but I'm easily able to "keep a lid on it for now". The best way to explain how I feel today is this...you know that feeling you get when you hear the tck tck tck of a roller coaster as you go up the first hill? Then, as you make that first turn, right before you can see the ground, there's a special feeling with that experience. I have it now. Add to that a huge sense of impending doom and you have a good idea of what I'm going through.

My first reaction to this fear crap is usually medicinal...especially if it gets this bad. But, I've taken a full milligram of xanax and I feel as though I never took it. That's the most I ever take at once although I think I'm getting to the point where I might need a higher dose. That's actually a hefty dose already, but when I feel like this, it might just be necessary. But, right now that's not an option and I can't take another one for hours. Actually I could, but it's probably not a good idea.

So, that leaves me with my reasoning powers. I keep telling myself that whatever happens, I'm not going to perish. After all, what's the worst that COULD happen? As long as I know my kids are fine, I'm fine. So, seriously...why do I feel like this?

I can't be the only one whose gone through this. As usual, I'm one of the few people to be totally transparent about it but if I've learned anything, I've learned that I rarely experience a totally new human experience. There's ALWAYS someone else going through the exact same thing. So, I risk sounding rather self absorbed in hopes that someone else gets this. Remember the bubble to which I've referred a couple times? That bubble is a bad bubble. It's a scary bubble and it demands my attention whether I want it to or not. So, yeah..if I do sound ridiculous and even childish at times, know this; I'm being as honest with you as I can be with myself. And know that I can wallow in self pity, as long as I write it down and then look at it again later. That will speed up the end of the pity party and that's a good thing.

Pity is pretty useless anyway. Whenever I even try to feel badly for myself, something happens that shows me how badly someone else has it. The best example of that had to be the worm invasion I repelled a few years ago. Just as it was raining worms in my kitchen and I wanted to cry, some lady had brain surgery for what turned out to be a huge worm in her brain. How the hell does that shit happen? That lesson wasn't even wrapped in a parable...it was right in my face. If that piqued your curiosity, you can read my worm story here:

http://diaryofmydivorce.blogspot.com/search?q=worms+on+my+ceiling


3 Comments:

Blogger q1605 said...

hang in there were pulling for you.

April 21, 2013  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was feeling that 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' feeling today. Then went outside and nature seemed to take it away for now. Maybe it forced me to focus on Now or something. Hope you feel better!

Q's Sis

April 21, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Hi! That's actually a good idea. I heard once that anxiety is pent up eneregy so you should walk it off. Think I'll try. BTW...did the other shoe ever drop?

April 21, 2013  

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