HI, this piece brought tears to my eyes. how hard for you to write it it seems, I am going through a divorce too. what is your hardest day? What was it like? How did you get through it?
You know, there were many tough days, especially when we were in the thick of it. But...oddly enough, the toughest day was the day I had an epiphany. Rick was nowhere around and hadn’t been for a couple of months. I was thinking about the entire situation and all of a sudden, after noticing some things he had done and thinking about them all, it occurred to me that even if Rick DID come back AGAIN, I wouldn’t be taking him back.
That’s the day I knew it was truly over. Rick has left me a few times in the past and he always came back. He would come back either after his latest flame was extinguished or when he learned that I was getting on with my life without him. I forgave him whatever he had done, whether it was one of the other affairs or one of the times he had become violent or just one of his lies. I didn’t forgive him because I knew what he had done was wrong, if it had been an outright hit in the face, I probably could have never justified it. But the things he would do left enough room for me to convince myself he was telling the truth. He would whip his car keys at my head (now, THAT hurt!) and then he would apologize profusely and say “You KNOW I didn’t do that on purpose! I wasn't aiming at your head.” (He was good, what can I say?)
Once he punched my leg as I was lying in bed sick. He punched it so hard that I went to the Emergency Room and lied to the doctor about how I received the large knot on my shin. (Rick said he thought the other bulge under the blanket was my leg. I reminded him that I had two. I fell for this. You never want to believe that the person who is supposed to protect you would do that.) He almost always left enough room for me to let him wiggle out of it, “Oops! I am so sorry! You KNOW I wouldn’t do that on purpose!” And the worst side effect of this is that I can’t be anywhere near a man when he gets angry or raises his voice without becoming terrified. Even if it is my son that is getting angry. My son has never hit a woman in his life.
We are in Georgia in the first place because Rick wanted to escape an affair. I had found out about one of his "friends" and he begged me to forgive him. I did, and he wanted to get the hell out of Virginia so that I would be convinced that the affair was over. I accept full responsibility for my stupid "forgiveness". Over the years, I caught him in many lies. And then he whined that I didn’t trust him. I told him that if he EVER admitted to ANY lie without getting caught first, I would believe him. (Once again, he was good.) But he swore that I had caught him in EVERY lie he ever told. If that had been true, he would have stopped. So, somewhere in the back of my mind, I had a distrust that I couldn’t get over as I knew he must have gotten away with 10 lies for every one he told.
You know, in the “interrogatories” (I had never heard that word until the divorce) his attorney asked me to “admit” that I had no “proof” of his affair. How much proof does a wife need? This is civil after all, not criminal. I didn’t need proof beyond a reasonable doubt, I just needed to know Rick’s history, the way I felt and the following incidents:
One day I called my daughter and the line was busy. I hit redial a while later and a strange female answered. I took the number and did a reverse look up. I confronted Rick with the name of the woman and he acted like he never heard of her. There was nobody else in the house that could have called her.
I drove by the woman’s trailer to see where she lived. I saw a piece of crap car outside of the trailer so I knew she was home. I drove home and Rick was there. He was very angry, (no reason at all) but he was so angry, I knew she had called him to tell him I had just left.
Every mistresses’ favorite, hang up calls.
Then there were the times when she DIDN’T hang up. She told me the other mistresses’ favorite, “If you knew how to treat a man, you would still have your husband.” (Why would any woman believe all the things a cheating husband says about his wife? The fact that he is cheating at all makes him a liar. But I guess a woman who would screw another woman's husband isn't too concerned with honesty.)
He would be late coming home and had some lame excuse when I hadn’t asked for one.
All of a sudden, he started buying himself clothes. He had never done that before. In the past, he had always waited for me to buy him clothes, he didn’t care what he looked like.
He really DID begin brushing his teeth on a daily basis for the first time since I had met him. I knew something was up.
He started working out again.
His line at work would be busy all day. All of a sudden, his job changed into one long telephone conversation.
He treated me with contempt. (And we didn’t know if I would survive at the time.) He always did when he was cheating.
He started fights over every little thing I did. These were things I had always done and he had always done as well. All of a sudden, he was angry at me all the time.
Of course, he stopped making love to me. But, during the summer from hell, he made love to me constantly, including the night before he left for the last time. Talk about a toilet for his sperm.
He said he HAD to leave me, after 23 years, when I was so sick. Without another woman bugging him, even Rick wouldn’t have left right then.
I found make up in my car. He said it was mine but it was make up for women of color. I am the whitest woman in the world.
He told me our sex life wasn't as "intense" as it had been. I knew he was comparing our mature relationship of 23 years with the honeymoon phase of his and his tramp's sex acts.
The "rose" incident I mentioned earlier. (Do you think he respects you if he would give you one of my roses? He wouldn't have given you one at all that day if he hadn't bought them for our anniversary. By the way, to which one of you did he give my ceramic Teddy Bear? I would like it back.)
A woman just knows.
After he left, I found sex cream (it wasn't OURS) in the back of one of my kitchen drawers. I also found woman’s clothing that wasn't mine or my daughter's. I realized that he had another woman in my bed while I was in Chicago visiting my daughter for what might have been the last time. I was to have surgery to remove a tumor soon. And, over the months, I have figured out a lot of things that he said were lies. I realized that he was planning on leaving the entire summer as I was jumping through hoops. He did leave the week after he got his car fixed.
(From what I have heard, all the proof that you need in a civil case is the evidence that makes it more likely than not that the “tort” occurred. HONESTLY lawyer lady, wouldn't you convict him?)
Even after ALL of that, and knowing the way he had treated me over the years, I didn’t know that it was over until I realized that this time, I would not be taking HIM back. We always did what he wanted, separate, get back together again, whatever, he was in control. But the day that I made that decision, I knew it was over for good. That was the worst day. (In hindsight, it was also the BEST day.) I had glanced over at one of the doors that had about 7 repair holes from where Rick had punched his fist through them and then I looked at some of my family heirlooms that he had thrown and broken. He wasn't there to cloud my brain with his lies and I saw it all for what it was for the first time. I had to admit he was a recidivist liar and cheat, (not to mention a cowardly bully) and that I had been a fool for years.
So, to answer your question, THAT was the worst day, and there have been some bad ones. I knew that there was no way I could ever take him back. It was over. I took control of my life back and even though I was not doing a very good job, I was in control of my destiny from that day forward. It was scary and it was sad. But it was also the first day in the past 23 years that I knew that whatever Rick did to convince me...we would not be getting back together again. He said he didn’t want a divorce, just a two to three year separation. He always did when he was leaving me. It was never over, he just needed a break. (Hey "woman", when you are screwing my husband, do you think about that fact that he is a lying cheat? Do you feel good about it? I couldn't do that. Personally, I would feel filthy being involved in such a trashy relationship. I guess that's the difference between a lady and you. Only Slick Rick could convince a woman that your relationship is anything more than smut. And Rick, one of the reasons I would never cheat is that I wouldn't want a man who would sleep with a married woman. You two truly deserve each other. Have a lovely life. I am sure you will find all the trust you need now.)
But the day I took back the control I hadn’t had in decades...was the day the marriage died.
How did I get through it? I just kept on keepin' on.
Meg
You know, there were many tough days, especially when we were in the thick of it. But...oddly enough, the toughest day was the day I had an epiphany. Rick was nowhere around and hadn’t been for a couple of months. I was thinking about the entire situation and all of a sudden, after noticing some things he had done and thinking about them all, it occurred to me that even if Rick DID come back AGAIN, I wouldn’t be taking him back.
That’s the day I knew it was truly over. Rick has left me a few times in the past and he always came back. He would come back either after his latest flame was extinguished or when he learned that I was getting on with my life without him. I forgave him whatever he had done, whether it was one of the other affairs or one of the times he had become violent or just one of his lies. I didn’t forgive him because I knew what he had done was wrong, if it had been an outright hit in the face, I probably could have never justified it. But the things he would do left enough room for me to convince myself he was telling the truth. He would whip his car keys at my head (now, THAT hurt!) and then he would apologize profusely and say “You KNOW I didn’t do that on purpose! I wasn't aiming at your head.” (He was good, what can I say?)
Once he punched my leg as I was lying in bed sick. He punched it so hard that I went to the Emergency Room and lied to the doctor about how I received the large knot on my shin. (Rick said he thought the other bulge under the blanket was my leg. I reminded him that I had two. I fell for this. You never want to believe that the person who is supposed to protect you would do that.) He almost always left enough room for me to let him wiggle out of it, “Oops! I am so sorry! You KNOW I wouldn’t do that on purpose!” And the worst side effect of this is that I can’t be anywhere near a man when he gets angry or raises his voice without becoming terrified. Even if it is my son that is getting angry. My son has never hit a woman in his life.
We are in Georgia in the first place because Rick wanted to escape an affair. I had found out about one of his "friends" and he begged me to forgive him. I did, and he wanted to get the hell out of Virginia so that I would be convinced that the affair was over. I accept full responsibility for my stupid "forgiveness". Over the years, I caught him in many lies. And then he whined that I didn’t trust him. I told him that if he EVER admitted to ANY lie without getting caught first, I would believe him. (Once again, he was good.) But he swore that I had caught him in EVERY lie he ever told. If that had been true, he would have stopped. So, somewhere in the back of my mind, I had a distrust that I couldn’t get over as I knew he must have gotten away with 10 lies for every one he told.
You know, in the “interrogatories” (I had never heard that word until the divorce) his attorney asked me to “admit” that I had no “proof” of his affair. How much proof does a wife need? This is civil after all, not criminal. I didn’t need proof beyond a reasonable doubt, I just needed to know Rick’s history, the way I felt and the following incidents:
One day I called my daughter and the line was busy. I hit redial a while later and a strange female answered. I took the number and did a reverse look up. I confronted Rick with the name of the woman and he acted like he never heard of her. There was nobody else in the house that could have called her.
I drove by the woman’s trailer to see where she lived. I saw a piece of crap car outside of the trailer so I knew she was home. I drove home and Rick was there. He was very angry, (no reason at all) but he was so angry, I knew she had called him to tell him I had just left.
Every mistresses’ favorite, hang up calls.
Then there were the times when she DIDN’T hang up. She told me the other mistresses’ favorite, “If you knew how to treat a man, you would still have your husband.” (Why would any woman believe all the things a cheating husband says about his wife? The fact that he is cheating at all makes him a liar. But I guess a woman who would screw another woman's husband isn't too concerned with honesty.)
He would be late coming home and had some lame excuse when I hadn’t asked for one.
All of a sudden, he started buying himself clothes. He had never done that before. In the past, he had always waited for me to buy him clothes, he didn’t care what he looked like.
He really DID begin brushing his teeth on a daily basis for the first time since I had met him. I knew something was up.
He started working out again.
His line at work would be busy all day. All of a sudden, his job changed into one long telephone conversation.
He treated me with contempt. (And we didn’t know if I would survive at the time.) He always did when he was cheating.
He started fights over every little thing I did. These were things I had always done and he had always done as well. All of a sudden, he was angry at me all the time.
Of course, he stopped making love to me. But, during the summer from hell, he made love to me constantly, including the night before he left for the last time. Talk about a toilet for his sperm.
He said he HAD to leave me, after 23 years, when I was so sick. Without another woman bugging him, even Rick wouldn’t have left right then.
I found make up in my car. He said it was mine but it was make up for women of color. I am the whitest woman in the world.
He told me our sex life wasn't as "intense" as it had been. I knew he was comparing our mature relationship of 23 years with the honeymoon phase of his and his tramp's sex acts.
The "rose" incident I mentioned earlier. (Do you think he respects you if he would give you one of my roses? He wouldn't have given you one at all that day if he hadn't bought them for our anniversary. By the way, to which one of you did he give my ceramic Teddy Bear? I would like it back.)
A woman just knows.
After he left, I found sex cream (it wasn't OURS) in the back of one of my kitchen drawers. I also found woman’s clothing that wasn't mine or my daughter's. I realized that he had another woman in my bed while I was in Chicago visiting my daughter for what might have been the last time. I was to have surgery to remove a tumor soon. And, over the months, I have figured out a lot of things that he said were lies. I realized that he was planning on leaving the entire summer as I was jumping through hoops. He did leave the week after he got his car fixed.
(From what I have heard, all the proof that you need in a civil case is the evidence that makes it more likely than not that the “tort” occurred. HONESTLY lawyer lady, wouldn't you convict him?)
Even after ALL of that, and knowing the way he had treated me over the years, I didn’t know that it was over until I realized that this time, I would not be taking HIM back. We always did what he wanted, separate, get back together again, whatever, he was in control. But the day that I made that decision, I knew it was over for good. That was the worst day. (In hindsight, it was also the BEST day.) I had glanced over at one of the doors that had about 7 repair holes from where Rick had punched his fist through them and then I looked at some of my family heirlooms that he had thrown and broken. He wasn't there to cloud my brain with his lies and I saw it all for what it was for the first time. I had to admit he was a recidivist liar and cheat, (not to mention a cowardly bully) and that I had been a fool for years.
So, to answer your question, THAT was the worst day, and there have been some bad ones. I knew that there was no way I could ever take him back. It was over. I took control of my life back and even though I was not doing a very good job, I was in control of my destiny from that day forward. It was scary and it was sad. But it was also the first day in the past 23 years that I knew that whatever Rick did to convince me...we would not be getting back together again. He said he didn’t want a divorce, just a two to three year separation. He always did when he was leaving me. It was never over, he just needed a break. (Hey "woman", when you are screwing my husband, do you think about that fact that he is a lying cheat? Do you feel good about it? I couldn't do that. Personally, I would feel filthy being involved in such a trashy relationship. I guess that's the difference between a lady and you. Only Slick Rick could convince a woman that your relationship is anything more than smut. And Rick, one of the reasons I would never cheat is that I wouldn't want a man who would sleep with a married woman. You two truly deserve each other. Have a lovely life. I am sure you will find all the trust you need now.)
But the day I took back the control I hadn’t had in decades...was the day the marriage died.
How did I get through it? I just kept on keepin' on.
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:26 AM
2 Comments:
Thank you for sharing your strength and your humor. By putting your life up for public scutiny you lend that strength and humor to those who have none of their own left. Rick lost the greatest treasure he'll ever find.
Stacey,
You know, it's OK because he never deserved me in the first place.
And funny you should say that about the "strength and humor...I get exactly that from you all.:)
Meg
Post a Comment
<< Home