I can be such a jerk...
...my son walked into the house after I made a no-no and I blamed it on the dog. He went around saying, “I have to empty the litter box and clean the dog kennel.” I let him do it. He’s doing it now. I can barely keep from laughing. Well, now I can’t help myself. If I don’t watch it, the gig will be up and I’ll have to clean up after the animals who didn’t really do anything.
Why would I do that you ask? I have to take care of everything. I’m sort of the man of the house. If I have to be responsible for everything, I can fart and blame it on the dog. Next, I plan on scratching my crotch and spitting. Maybe I should go out and blatantly hit on poor unsuspecting men trying to have fun. Perhaps I should start at a baseball game before the season is over.
You know if I am going to get hit on when I go out, I should go to better places so that a better class of men can annoy me. Yeah, that sounds good.
My other ex’s wife has sent me a bunch of emails. I deleted them of course. When I wake up in Atlanta, She’s still drinking in Chicago and I don’t want to read any of her drunken ramblings anymore. I didn’t know that she was so preoccupied with me. Nice to know someone cares. When my ex first married her when she was 17 and he was 33, I kept thinking she would grow up but it’s not to be. She’s not too bright either. Oh well. Thank God for caller ID and delete. I can avoid her forever with any luck at all. She’s such an unpleasant skank. If I were nasty looking and stupid, I would be one pleasant female so that people would say, “Yeah, but she’s just so sweet.”
I was wrong about that film weekend. I don’t know why I thought it was this weekend, it’s two weekends from now. Next weekend, I’ll have my kids together so that’ll be wonderful. This weekend, I have nothing to do because I thought I had plans so I didn’t plan anything else. Tropical storm Tammy has stalled over my head so it’s been cold and rainy here for days and my dog can’t go outside for any length of time. He’s out there now, I bet he’s wondering why in the heck it’s so cold. I hope he doesn’t have to find out what snow is this year. But, this weekend I will probably just wipe the dog’s feet off and wash the kitchen floor over and over again.
OK, if I have to take over all of the man duties, I want to go to a male strip club and stick quarters in some dudes g-string. (I am still a woman, it shouldn’t cost a dollar to touch the guy. Actually, I should go up to him and he should give ME a buck for twiddling with his g-string.) What other manly things can I do? Oh, from now on when I get lost, I’ll drive around like a moron telling the sane person in the passenger seat that I know what I’m doing. I'll try to pee outside later in the day when it's not so cold. My panties will be on the bedroom floor and my socks and shoes will be in the living room. (They aren’t big enough for people to trip over, but that should be fun anyway.) I already sit in the recliner with the remote, now I should just order a pizza and buy some beer. Talk about making a no-no. Oh, I can watch football and make hoot sounds when the offense is all bent over with their butts up in the air. That’s all I watch football for anyway. What else can I do? I can’t handle the sink being wet...that’s one female thing that I will not give up, the sink and the thing that the water comes out of will be dry. I can’t mow the lawn, not that I would have, but I have a new excuse with all that rain. I could work on the car, but I recently found out that the dipstick hole isn’t the only oil hole. There’s a BIG one that makes it much easier to pour oil in. You spill a lot less and there isn’t as much smoking when you start the car up. I told you that there are a bunch of easy ways to do the things that I am having trouble with, I just don’t know what they are. I know I can be an idiot.
Damn, I’m halfway to being a man already.
See ya,
Meg
...my son walked into the house after I made a no-no and I blamed it on the dog. He went around saying, “I have to empty the litter box and clean the dog kennel.” I let him do it. He’s doing it now. I can barely keep from laughing. Well, now I can’t help myself. If I don’t watch it, the gig will be up and I’ll have to clean up after the animals who didn’t really do anything.
Why would I do that you ask? I have to take care of everything. I’m sort of the man of the house. If I have to be responsible for everything, I can fart and blame it on the dog. Next, I plan on scratching my crotch and spitting. Maybe I should go out and blatantly hit on poor unsuspecting men trying to have fun. Perhaps I should start at a baseball game before the season is over.
You know if I am going to get hit on when I go out, I should go to better places so that a better class of men can annoy me. Yeah, that sounds good.
My other ex’s wife has sent me a bunch of emails. I deleted them of course. When I wake up in Atlanta, She’s still drinking in Chicago and I don’t want to read any of her drunken ramblings anymore. I didn’t know that she was so preoccupied with me. Nice to know someone cares. When my ex first married her when she was 17 and he was 33, I kept thinking she would grow up but it’s not to be. She’s not too bright either. Oh well. Thank God for caller ID and delete. I can avoid her forever with any luck at all. She’s such an unpleasant skank. If I were nasty looking and stupid, I would be one pleasant female so that people would say, “Yeah, but she’s just so sweet.”
I was wrong about that film weekend. I don’t know why I thought it was this weekend, it’s two weekends from now. Next weekend, I’ll have my kids together so that’ll be wonderful. This weekend, I have nothing to do because I thought I had plans so I didn’t plan anything else. Tropical storm Tammy has stalled over my head so it’s been cold and rainy here for days and my dog can’t go outside for any length of time. He’s out there now, I bet he’s wondering why in the heck it’s so cold. I hope he doesn’t have to find out what snow is this year. But, this weekend I will probably just wipe the dog’s feet off and wash the kitchen floor over and over again.
OK, if I have to take over all of the man duties, I want to go to a male strip club and stick quarters in some dudes g-string. (I am still a woman, it shouldn’t cost a dollar to touch the guy. Actually, I should go up to him and he should give ME a buck for twiddling with his g-string.) What other manly things can I do? Oh, from now on when I get lost, I’ll drive around like a moron telling the sane person in the passenger seat that I know what I’m doing. I'll try to pee outside later in the day when it's not so cold. My panties will be on the bedroom floor and my socks and shoes will be in the living room. (They aren’t big enough for people to trip over, but that should be fun anyway.) I already sit in the recliner with the remote, now I should just order a pizza and buy some beer. Talk about making a no-no. Oh, I can watch football and make hoot sounds when the offense is all bent over with their butts up in the air. That’s all I watch football for anyway. What else can I do? I can’t handle the sink being wet...that’s one female thing that I will not give up, the sink and the thing that the water comes out of will be dry. I can’t mow the lawn, not that I would have, but I have a new excuse with all that rain. I could work on the car, but I recently found out that the dipstick hole isn’t the only oil hole. There’s a BIG one that makes it much easier to pour oil in. You spill a lot less and there isn’t as much smoking when you start the car up. I told you that there are a bunch of easy ways to do the things that I am having trouble with, I just don’t know what they are. I know I can be an idiot.
Damn, I’m halfway to being a man already.
See ya,
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 2:52 AM
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