It’s funny...
...how an insignificant action of one person can have such far reaching effects upon others. My son, unbeknownst to me, sprinkled copious amounts of cayenne pepper onto a pizza. Then, he cut the pizza into pieces and offered me some. I put two slices of the pizza on a plate and sat the plate on the table. As I was getting myself a drink, I decided to feed the fish. On one finger I had a tiny bit of pizza sauce and I accidentally got some of the fish food on it as I was feeding the fish. I didn’t worry, I just figured that maybe the fish would like a bit of pizza flavored fish food. After all, the Italians do great things with seafood.
Then, I tasted the pizza. It was one of those bites of food that are so hot...and unexpectedly hot at that...that it took close to 10 minutes for my mouth to cool off. I was doing the universal sign for “This crap is too hot!!!!!”, fanning my mouth with my hand. I’m barely over that now and I’m thinking about the fish...did that happen to them, too? It wouldn’t take much cayenne pepper at all to burn a fish’s mouth.
I pigged out last night and ate a bunch of Popsicle's...actually they’re fruit-sicle’s...I love those things. I eat them in a manner that would probably require some sort of 12 Step Program to recover from. I can easily eat the entire box of 6 in an evening. A friend of mine thinks that’s ridiculous but I say that it’s no worse than drinking a 6 pack. Actually, it’s sort of the same. You want to finish them both before they get too hot. And once you start enjoying them, it’s hard to stop until you either run out or fall asleep. They're both habit forming and neither one of them is very healthy for a person.
But, I would rather eat a box of Popsicles than drink a 6 pack of beer. You might get fat...but you won’t get stupid. My buddy was drunk the other night and I had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of one of those phone calls where the drunk person is making little sense, misinterpreting everything that you say and having little arguments....all by themselves.
I didn’t have to say a thing, as a matter of fact, I tried not to. I didn’t realize that he was drunk at first. He really wasn’t drunk when he first called me, but somewhere along the way...I noticed the slurring of his words and realized that he wasn’t just in a very good mood that night, he was drunk. He went from being happy to word slurring to “Shut up!” to “You just don’t understand.”, all within 30 minutes. The phone call was longer...but that’s how quickly he went from relatively sober to totally shit faced. What a fun conversation.
I tried to be nice...I suggested, “Why don’t you drink some water and take some aspirin before you pass out? It might help your hangover.”
“Well listen you...it’s MY GOD DAMNED HANGOVER AND I’M GONNA SAVOR EVERY MINUTE OF IT....because it’s MY FRIDAY!!!! Do you hear me? And who are you to question what I do?”
“I’m just trying to help...that’s all.”
“I’m a BIG BOY....do you hear me? A BIG BOY...and me and my other BIG “BOY‘S” went out for some beers...I told you that! We had beerwings. I like beerwings. I bought my buddy beerwings and I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT!!!!”
I think beerwings are a combination of beer and chicken wings. But who the hell knows, he was quite a mess. For all I know, he could have been seeing beer mugs flying through the air.
'Tis the season to be stupid and many of us are going to get pretty good and stupid at least once this holiday season. I think that it should be a law that all phones are turned off when people start drinking. Especially with cell phones...now drunks can call you directly from the bar. They don’t have to wait until 3 am when the bars have closed and they are at home.
Once a person can conduct an entire argument by themselves...it’s time to get off the phone. What I don’t understand is how someone so drunk can even manage a phone call. Unfortunately, they always seem to dial the correct number immediately before they lose all comprehension. So, I think that we should have built in breathalyzer's in the phones. That should be easy enough...just combine electronics with alcohol monitoring...I’m sure it could be done relatively easily. OK. That’s MY idea. If anyone copies it...I reserve the right to sue them.
See ya,
Meg
...how an insignificant action of one person can have such far reaching effects upon others. My son, unbeknownst to me, sprinkled copious amounts of cayenne pepper onto a pizza. Then, he cut the pizza into pieces and offered me some. I put two slices of the pizza on a plate and sat the plate on the table. As I was getting myself a drink, I decided to feed the fish. On one finger I had a tiny bit of pizza sauce and I accidentally got some of the fish food on it as I was feeding the fish. I didn’t worry, I just figured that maybe the fish would like a bit of pizza flavored fish food. After all, the Italians do great things with seafood.
Then, I tasted the pizza. It was one of those bites of food that are so hot...and unexpectedly hot at that...that it took close to 10 minutes for my mouth to cool off. I was doing the universal sign for “This crap is too hot!!!!!”, fanning my mouth with my hand. I’m barely over that now and I’m thinking about the fish...did that happen to them, too? It wouldn’t take much cayenne pepper at all to burn a fish’s mouth.
I pigged out last night and ate a bunch of Popsicle's...actually they’re fruit-sicle’s...I love those things. I eat them in a manner that would probably require some sort of 12 Step Program to recover from. I can easily eat the entire box of 6 in an evening. A friend of mine thinks that’s ridiculous but I say that it’s no worse than drinking a 6 pack. Actually, it’s sort of the same. You want to finish them both before they get too hot. And once you start enjoying them, it’s hard to stop until you either run out or fall asleep. They're both habit forming and neither one of them is very healthy for a person.
But, I would rather eat a box of Popsicles than drink a 6 pack of beer. You might get fat...but you won’t get stupid. My buddy was drunk the other night and I had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of one of those phone calls where the drunk person is making little sense, misinterpreting everything that you say and having little arguments....all by themselves.
I didn’t have to say a thing, as a matter of fact, I tried not to. I didn’t realize that he was drunk at first. He really wasn’t drunk when he first called me, but somewhere along the way...I noticed the slurring of his words and realized that he wasn’t just in a very good mood that night, he was drunk. He went from being happy to word slurring to “Shut up!” to “You just don’t understand.”, all within 30 minutes. The phone call was longer...but that’s how quickly he went from relatively sober to totally shit faced. What a fun conversation.
I tried to be nice...I suggested, “Why don’t you drink some water and take some aspirin before you pass out? It might help your hangover.”
“Well listen you...it’s MY GOD DAMNED HANGOVER AND I’M GONNA SAVOR EVERY MINUTE OF IT....because it’s MY FRIDAY!!!! Do you hear me? And who are you to question what I do?”
“I’m just trying to help...that’s all.”
“I’m a BIG BOY....do you hear me? A BIG BOY...and me and my other BIG “BOY‘S” went out for some beers...I told you that! We had beerwings. I like beerwings. I bought my buddy beerwings and I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT!!!!”
I think beerwings are a combination of beer and chicken wings. But who the hell knows, he was quite a mess. For all I know, he could have been seeing beer mugs flying through the air.
'Tis the season to be stupid and many of us are going to get pretty good and stupid at least once this holiday season. I think that it should be a law that all phones are turned off when people start drinking. Especially with cell phones...now drunks can call you directly from the bar. They don’t have to wait until 3 am when the bars have closed and they are at home.
Once a person can conduct an entire argument by themselves...it’s time to get off the phone. What I don’t understand is how someone so drunk can even manage a phone call. Unfortunately, they always seem to dial the correct number immediately before they lose all comprehension. So, I think that we should have built in breathalyzer's in the phones. That should be easy enough...just combine electronics with alcohol monitoring...I’m sure it could be done relatively easily. OK. That’s MY idea. If anyone copies it...I reserve the right to sue them.
See ya,
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 7:25 AM
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