Some bitch somewhere is getting my ruby earrings...
...and that just pisses me off. I finally got Rick past the cheap mouse head earrings that he bought the first gift giving occasion that we were married which happened to be Christmas. I realized something that Christmas that had never occurred to me before. Not once in our 6 year courtship did he ever give me a gift. I don’t know if it was by design or by coincidence...but I know that he bought gifts in the way he tells the truth...when there is literally NO other way to get out of it. Like shopping for the wife at Christmas time. You won’t get laid at all for a good part of the New Year if you give a bad Yuletide performance and if you do...it’s pretty much that lackluster sex that only a man would enjoy.
But we women lie there and do it to ourselves...don’t we? (I almost said that I don’t do that anymore...but duh...I don’t have sex anymore.) I guess I could say that I stopped “punishing” my husbands by the “I’m not gonna enjoy this and I’m too stupid to realize that you’re still gonna get a nut and really don’t care if I enjoy it or not....in fact it makes the entire process easy for you in that you don’t have to do ANYTHING to please me...I’ve made it clear that I cannot be pleased so just fuck me and suffer.” attitude. I believe I figured out the weak link in that theory back when Lauper was hot and Michael Jackson first began dabbling in life as a Caucasian on a planet where everyone knows he's a black dude.
Anyway, I find myself digressing again...don’t I? OK...one fall Rick and I had a mouse in our house. There may have been more than one....we were never sure. We never saw more than one but it got around quite a little bit for one mouse. Anyway, we eventually assassinated the little vermin and by Christmas...that rodent was the furthest thing from my mind. I opened my gift with the anticipation of a young wife, after less than four months of marriage, opening the first gift that my loving skunk of a husband had chosen for me all by himself.
As I opened the small box under the tree that year, my eyes saw two glistening earrings in the shape of an animal head. They were gold...but...“My...Are they.....cats?”
“No.”, he replied with pride. “They’re mice.!” He was smiling with the pride of a four year old who had just painted his masterpiece...on his parent’s bedroom wall.
There was but one question in my mind. Did he go out shopping specifically FOR mouse earrings...or did he happen upon them and exclaim, all agape, “Oh my! The perfect gift!!! My wife...the woman who puts up with all of my bullshit, not to mention the shit on my underwear...she simply must be the owner of this magnificent piece!”?
My guess was that he grabbed the closest thing to the door that was under ten bucks. He evoked that theory one year when I received a doll...AND the price tag!...all for $9.99. And this was not just any doll. Oh no. This doll had a head that spun around in circles as it played "These are a Few of my Favorite Things"...not exactly “our song”...nor was it one that had any particular meaning to me. I wished that I had gotten him a Pet Rock.
The next year I got even with him for the musical, head spinning doll...I bought him a dust buster. I really did. It’s still under the bathroom sink and he can have it back anytime he’d like. I also have his pride and joy...his most prized possession...his Bicentennial Pepsi Cola Bottle.
Anyway, back to the gifts...I finally got smart. I started with pictures. I showed him pictures of what kind of jewelry I liked. Considering what I was dealing with...I tried to start small. I showed him pictures of solitaire earrings. I told him that he could never go wrong with a pair of precious stone earrings. Just simple studs...he was nowhere near ready for anything as complicated as hoops. Anyway, he did well for the last few years. I got the diamonds, the emeralds, the sapphires and the pearls. He was supposed to get me those damned ruby earrings the Christmas after he left. I wonder to whom he has given the rubies?
So, I guess I will have to buy myself the stupid rubies...but I’ll do it with the alimony check. Damn...that bastard has gotten out of another gift.
Oh well, that’s OK. On my birthday, June 29th, I had just found out that he was cheating on me and he had gotten violent with me on the 28th. I took the credit cards and went for a little shopping spree and bought myself a few nice gifts. The only regret that I have is that I didn’t max out the frickin’ cards...but I did put one helluva dent in them:):):)
Meg
Good Luck Greg...wherever you are!
...and that just pisses me off. I finally got Rick past the cheap mouse head earrings that he bought the first gift giving occasion that we were married which happened to be Christmas. I realized something that Christmas that had never occurred to me before. Not once in our 6 year courtship did he ever give me a gift. I don’t know if it was by design or by coincidence...but I know that he bought gifts in the way he tells the truth...when there is literally NO other way to get out of it. Like shopping for the wife at Christmas time. You won’t get laid at all for a good part of the New Year if you give a bad Yuletide performance and if you do...it’s pretty much that lackluster sex that only a man would enjoy.
But we women lie there and do it to ourselves...don’t we? (I almost said that I don’t do that anymore...but duh...I don’t have sex anymore.) I guess I could say that I stopped “punishing” my husbands by the “I’m not gonna enjoy this and I’m too stupid to realize that you’re still gonna get a nut and really don’t care if I enjoy it or not....in fact it makes the entire process easy for you in that you don’t have to do ANYTHING to please me...I’ve made it clear that I cannot be pleased so just fuck me and suffer.” attitude. I believe I figured out the weak link in that theory back when Lauper was hot and Michael Jackson first began dabbling in life as a Caucasian on a planet where everyone knows he's a black dude.
Anyway, I find myself digressing again...don’t I? OK...one fall Rick and I had a mouse in our house. There may have been more than one....we were never sure. We never saw more than one but it got around quite a little bit for one mouse. Anyway, we eventually assassinated the little vermin and by Christmas...that rodent was the furthest thing from my mind. I opened my gift with the anticipation of a young wife, after less than four months of marriage, opening the first gift that my loving skunk of a husband had chosen for me all by himself.
As I opened the small box under the tree that year, my eyes saw two glistening earrings in the shape of an animal head. They were gold...but...“My...Are they.....cats?”
“No.”, he replied with pride. “They’re mice.!” He was smiling with the pride of a four year old who had just painted his masterpiece...on his parent’s bedroom wall.
There was but one question in my mind. Did he go out shopping specifically FOR mouse earrings...or did he happen upon them and exclaim, all agape, “Oh my! The perfect gift!!! My wife...the woman who puts up with all of my bullshit, not to mention the shit on my underwear...she simply must be the owner of this magnificent piece!”?
My guess was that he grabbed the closest thing to the door that was under ten bucks. He evoked that theory one year when I received a doll...AND the price tag!...all for $9.99. And this was not just any doll. Oh no. This doll had a head that spun around in circles as it played "These are a Few of my Favorite Things"...not exactly “our song”...nor was it one that had any particular meaning to me. I wished that I had gotten him a Pet Rock.
The next year I got even with him for the musical, head spinning doll...I bought him a dust buster. I really did. It’s still under the bathroom sink and he can have it back anytime he’d like. I also have his pride and joy...his most prized possession...his Bicentennial Pepsi Cola Bottle.
Anyway, back to the gifts...I finally got smart. I started with pictures. I showed him pictures of what kind of jewelry I liked. Considering what I was dealing with...I tried to start small. I showed him pictures of solitaire earrings. I told him that he could never go wrong with a pair of precious stone earrings. Just simple studs...he was nowhere near ready for anything as complicated as hoops. Anyway, he did well for the last few years. I got the diamonds, the emeralds, the sapphires and the pearls. He was supposed to get me those damned ruby earrings the Christmas after he left. I wonder to whom he has given the rubies?
So, I guess I will have to buy myself the stupid rubies...but I’ll do it with the alimony check. Damn...that bastard has gotten out of another gift.
Oh well, that’s OK. On my birthday, June 29th, I had just found out that he was cheating on me and he had gotten violent with me on the 28th. I took the credit cards and went for a little shopping spree and bought myself a few nice gifts. The only regret that I have is that I didn’t max out the frickin’ cards...but I did put one helluva dent in them:):):)
Meg
Good Luck Greg...wherever you are!
posted by Meg Kelso | 9:55 AM
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