Dear Meg,
"...so I was wondering what you think about interracial dating? My mother has a big problem with the man I am seeing now..."
Well, I have this philosophy that is pretty much based on the idea that if it doesn't affect me, I don't really care. I also have another philosophy that is based on the principle that parents are USUALLY right. I don't know your mother but I would be curious whether or not she has any other problems with the man. If a man made my daughter happy, I would be just fine with it. Does she come right out and say, "I don't like him because of his ethnicity?" Or, does she mention anything else when she "bitches" about the man?
You say that you live away at school so I'm assuming that you are old enough and responsible enough to make certain decisions on your own. If you were my daughter, unless I thought that you were in danger, I'd probably keep my mouth shut. If you were a good enough student to be accepted into a major university, I would be proud enough of you and let you learn certain lessons on your own.
Acceptance of inter-racial dating is a relatively new phenomenon, "relatively new" meaning something that I remember. When I was a little girl, an inter-racial couple would evoke stares from everyone around. There were basically two types of people, those who were offended by it and those who didn't mind but worried "about the children". People who "accepted" the concept always qualified their acceptance by saying, "I just think that the children might have problems being accepted by society". I don't think that's a huge problem anymore.
You have to remember that your mother probably remembers the same things that I do and that she is coming from a totally different time. My grandparents were not prejudiced the way that we define it nowadays, but my grandfather used the "N" word quite a bit. He did it in a way that, while it offended ME, it wasn't meant to be offensive. (It was simply the way he referred to black people.) People of my age know what I mean when I say that.
About twenty years ago, I had a very good friend who was black (a word that replaced the "N" word proudly back in the 60's, before black was replaced by African-American) and her name was Patricia. I also had a great aunt named Mamie, who has since passed away.
I spent a lot of time with both of them and they both heard me speak often of the other one. I never told Aunt Mamie that Patricia was black, it just never came up. One day I took Aunt Mamie fishing and on the way, we stopped to put gas in my car. When we did, Patricia pulled up at the very same gas pump only on the opposite side. I introduced them to each other, pleased that they finally met.
As I pulled away, Aunt Mamie made a comment that blew me away. She said, "I never had a black friend." She MEANT that to be offensive and it shocked me because her sister, my grandmother, was not in the least bit bigoted. Eventually, I told Patricia about that and she responded, "Well, she comes from a time when people thought like that." She was quite understanding about it and I think that you should be understanding of your mother as well.
If I were you, or your boyfriend for that matter, I'd go out of my way to show your mom how mature the two of you are.
While I'm talking about prejudice, I'd like to mention something that came up when my friend, Anne, and I were speaking the other day. We were talking about men and I asked her why she didn't have a boyfriend. She came right out and said that it was because of her weight. She's a big girl and hasn't mentioned many men in the entire time we've known each other. I think that's a shame because she's one of the sweetest, most giving people that I know. Any man would be lucky to have such a woman as his own. Weight seems to be one of the last "acceptable" prejudices nowadays. Personally, I prefer a bigger guy but I wouldn't turn down a tiny man simply because of his size.
Anne works two jobs and owns her own home, she is as decent as they come and she would treat a man like a king. But, because of her size, she is alone and that's just awful. Perfectly good people go to waste because of things that wouldn't matter if we were all blind.
Looks matter as far as immediate attraction is concerned, but it doesn't have a thing to do with long term happiness. I've discussed the fact that I've been both heavy and tiny. The difference in the way that I'm treated based on weight is stunning. I'm the same person at 110 pounds as I was when I weighed 160 pounds. The day that I dressed up as the Pillsbury Doughboy, I was treated in such an amazingly odd way that I couldn't WAIT to get home and take that stuffing out of my clothes. Men literally looked right past me. They weren't as pleasant as they usually are and they didn't make eye contact with me...it was awful. Not one man started a conversation with me and it made me think about how heavy women must live every day of their lives.
If your boyfriend treats you well, God bless you both. If your mother has some legitimate points, other than the mans' color, maybe you should listen to her. One way or another, she has your best interests at heart so don't be too hard on her. If you guys stay together and end up happy, she'll eventually come around.
As parents, we all do the best we have with the tools that we have on any given day of our lives. Some days, that's not too good. It may even suck, but it doesn't change the fact that we love you. Your mom is human and that means that she's fallible, just as you are. I'm sure that she loves you and I'm sure that you love her so just do your best to let her know that and to be more understanding than she is...it'll make you a better person in the long run and it might even teach her a thing or two.
Every chance you're given, take the high road...if you do, people will always look up to you. If not, they'll have to look down on you and that's no good for anyone. Someday, you'll have kids of your own and karma is a bitch and a half, at the very least.
My son just walked in the door dressed like Michael from Halloween and he scared me half to death. I think I'm going to go smack him around a bit so I'll see you guys later!
Meg
"...so I was wondering what you think about interracial dating? My mother has a big problem with the man I am seeing now..."
Well, I have this philosophy that is pretty much based on the idea that if it doesn't affect me, I don't really care. I also have another philosophy that is based on the principle that parents are USUALLY right. I don't know your mother but I would be curious whether or not she has any other problems with the man. If a man made my daughter happy, I would be just fine with it. Does she come right out and say, "I don't like him because of his ethnicity?" Or, does she mention anything else when she "bitches" about the man?
You say that you live away at school so I'm assuming that you are old enough and responsible enough to make certain decisions on your own. If you were my daughter, unless I thought that you were in danger, I'd probably keep my mouth shut. If you were a good enough student to be accepted into a major university, I would be proud enough of you and let you learn certain lessons on your own.
Acceptance of inter-racial dating is a relatively new phenomenon, "relatively new" meaning something that I remember. When I was a little girl, an inter-racial couple would evoke stares from everyone around. There were basically two types of people, those who were offended by it and those who didn't mind but worried "about the children". People who "accepted" the concept always qualified their acceptance by saying, "I just think that the children might have problems being accepted by society". I don't think that's a huge problem anymore.
You have to remember that your mother probably remembers the same things that I do and that she is coming from a totally different time. My grandparents were not prejudiced the way that we define it nowadays, but my grandfather used the "N" word quite a bit. He did it in a way that, while it offended ME, it wasn't meant to be offensive. (It was simply the way he referred to black people.) People of my age know what I mean when I say that.
About twenty years ago, I had a very good friend who was black (a word that replaced the "N" word proudly back in the 60's, before black was replaced by African-American) and her name was Patricia. I also had a great aunt named Mamie, who has since passed away.
I spent a lot of time with both of them and they both heard me speak often of the other one. I never told Aunt Mamie that Patricia was black, it just never came up. One day I took Aunt Mamie fishing and on the way, we stopped to put gas in my car. When we did, Patricia pulled up at the very same gas pump only on the opposite side. I introduced them to each other, pleased that they finally met.
As I pulled away, Aunt Mamie made a comment that blew me away. She said, "I never had a black friend." She MEANT that to be offensive and it shocked me because her sister, my grandmother, was not in the least bit bigoted. Eventually, I told Patricia about that and she responded, "Well, she comes from a time when people thought like that." She was quite understanding about it and I think that you should be understanding of your mother as well.
If I were you, or your boyfriend for that matter, I'd go out of my way to show your mom how mature the two of you are.
While I'm talking about prejudice, I'd like to mention something that came up when my friend, Anne, and I were speaking the other day. We were talking about men and I asked her why she didn't have a boyfriend. She came right out and said that it was because of her weight. She's a big girl and hasn't mentioned many men in the entire time we've known each other. I think that's a shame because she's one of the sweetest, most giving people that I know. Any man would be lucky to have such a woman as his own. Weight seems to be one of the last "acceptable" prejudices nowadays. Personally, I prefer a bigger guy but I wouldn't turn down a tiny man simply because of his size.
Anne works two jobs and owns her own home, she is as decent as they come and she would treat a man like a king. But, because of her size, she is alone and that's just awful. Perfectly good people go to waste because of things that wouldn't matter if we were all blind.
Looks matter as far as immediate attraction is concerned, but it doesn't have a thing to do with long term happiness. I've discussed the fact that I've been both heavy and tiny. The difference in the way that I'm treated based on weight is stunning. I'm the same person at 110 pounds as I was when I weighed 160 pounds. The day that I dressed up as the Pillsbury Doughboy, I was treated in such an amazingly odd way that I couldn't WAIT to get home and take that stuffing out of my clothes. Men literally looked right past me. They weren't as pleasant as they usually are and they didn't make eye contact with me...it was awful. Not one man started a conversation with me and it made me think about how heavy women must live every day of their lives.
If your boyfriend treats you well, God bless you both. If your mother has some legitimate points, other than the mans' color, maybe you should listen to her. One way or another, she has your best interests at heart so don't be too hard on her. If you guys stay together and end up happy, she'll eventually come around.
As parents, we all do the best we have with the tools that we have on any given day of our lives. Some days, that's not too good. It may even suck, but it doesn't change the fact that we love you. Your mom is human and that means that she's fallible, just as you are. I'm sure that she loves you and I'm sure that you love her so just do your best to let her know that and to be more understanding than she is...it'll make you a better person in the long run and it might even teach her a thing or two.
Every chance you're given, take the high road...if you do, people will always look up to you. If not, they'll have to look down on you and that's no good for anyone. Someday, you'll have kids of your own and karma is a bitch and a half, at the very least.
My son just walked in the door dressed like Michael from Halloween and he scared me half to death. I think I'm going to go smack him around a bit so I'll see you guys later!
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 2:26 PM
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