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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, August 07, 2006


I'm no good at dumping people. I'm a sucker for anyone who tells me how sorry they are and if they stick a few "I love you's" in there, I pretty much crumble. That's why I stayed with Rick for so long. He knew that all along. Asshole.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I would let any Joe, Frank or Larry into my heart. It takes a lot to get in there. I can go for ten years without feeling close to a man and it wouldn't bother me. I could date a hundred of them and sleep with a few and when they're gone, I couldn't care less.

But, when I finally let a man in there, I'm a sucker and he knows it. That's got to be why some think they can get away with murder. I pretty much let them. I'm an idiot.

That's not to say that it's all on me...if I had done some of the things that Rick did to me, I wouldn't have had the nerve to beg for forgiveness. I would have been too ashamed to do it and Rick should have cared more about me than to even try it. After the first few fuck buddies, he should have left me alone and allowed me to find a man who wouldn't do that to me but he was too selfish.

That asshole told me once that he married me because he didn't want anyone else to have me. I guess that he stayed with me for the same reason. The summer that everything fell apart I asked him if he would still be bothered if I would have been with another man and he actually got mad at the question itself. What a jack ass! He was screwing someone else that he cared enough about to pay $800 bucks a month to have and he STILL didn't want me to be with anyone else. Even now, he gets mad when I discuss other men on this thing and I haven't seen him twice in close to two years. I guess he thought that was love. It couldn't have been or he wouldn't have been pouncing on every other female who showed him the slightest bit of attention.

Even after Rick and I separated, it took me months to be sure that I didn’t want him anymore. I think I would have let him come back if he had tried even after he had been abusive, dishonest and unfaithful...not to mention stupid, bald and rather unhygienic.

I guess it is mainly on me because it's my life and if I choose to let the bastard back in, I can't blame anyone else. But I do have a tough time dumping someone who's begging not to be dumped once I've let him get close. I guess the solution would be to stop letting men in until they've paid a huge down payment and have too much invested to even try any shenanigans. I can keep a guy at arm's length for a very long time but once he's there, he pretty much has control and that's not a good thing.

Damn. I'm no good at this. My mother just stopped dating men all together but she died alone and I don't want that to happen to me. It's a very sad thing to watch, I sure don't want to experience it. But, I don't see any other way out of this mess. My mother didn't date anyone at all, knowing her, she wouldn't have been able to date a guy for any length of time without putting her heart into it but I can do that. Maybe I should just date them and keep my heart to myself. It's funny, I can see all of the things that I did wrong with Rick by watching the things that I do with other guys now...why didn't I see these things before? I've always been good at dissecting a relationship and seeing it for what it was, but I've never been any good at dissecting my own feelings and seeing where they were coming from. I can do it now, but only because when I begin to think about things like that, I write them down here and I know that other people are going to read it so I try to discuss it without lying to myself. I guess I should have kept a diary years ago.

If my heart had a brain of it's own I'd be better off but it doesn't. It battles with the brain that I have in my head and I'm never sure which one to listen to. I have someone trying to get back into my heart right now and my head is telling me to walk away but my heart is telling me to give him another chance. My heart is a moron.



Blogger Rachel said...

Oh girl, I hear ya, I've been there & done that. It WILL work out for you, once you decide you've had it with men and are no longer looking. That's when I met my WONDERFUL hubby of 15 years now. I decided I was either going to become a lesbian or join a convent! LOL And he just walked into my life. Hang in there!

August 07, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally understand your feelings, Meg. You want to scream at Rick "Why couldn't you have just grown up and been a man!" Because if he had, you and he would have shared a beautiful love with one another instead of going through all this pain and drama.

I am sorry, Meg, that Rick never grew up. My ex never will either. He had to lose me to see that.

Don't know what you got 'til its gone.

August 07, 2006  

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