'Tis a wise man who says...
"...Its like the radio in the car. I learned a long time ago that when there is a woman in my car, I am no longer the proriator of the dial. Its her domain and she can change the station as many times as she wants. See, its an "if you cant beat them, join them" attitude..."
Yes, this man has certainly learned a valuable lesson. He will not waste coutless hours bickering over silly things only to end up saying, "You're right...I'm sorry." Not that he would have been wrong in the first place, he simply won't waste time on the way to the place where he would end up anyway...at the corner of "How could I have been so stupid?" and "Baby, will we ever have sex again?"
I ran into one of the un-enlightened last night. I think I got rid of that case...at least I hope I did. I almost ran into the "Yeah, but you made me do it." trap. But, I've fallen for it before and won't be getting my neck caught in that noose again anytime soon.
It took me a while to figure this one out. I knew that he always had a few drinks every night that I saw him. But, I didn't realize how much he was drinking until the last couple of nights that I've seen him. Up until then, I never really paid attention and, like most drunks, he was trying to hide it anyway. It's not that I would mind terribly...IF he would ever be a happy drunk. But it took me until last night to figure out that he drank to the point that it caused him to get angry at me over one thing or another.
My natural propensity to blame myself for everything didn't let me see that he was getting mad at stupid things and that it was most likely alcohol related because he would NEVER get mad at me any other time. I don't enjoy drinking but it doesn't bother me if someone else does. It does bother me that I have to deal with an idiot. He never got sloppy drunk which is why it took me so long to catch on. And, as I wondered aloud last night, he never got happy drunk either.
He just got bitchy drunk. He would find something to argue about every single time that we were together. Now, I hate to argue and I won't do it under the best of circumstances. I'm certainly not going to argue with a person who's been drinking. This is the first guy who I've ever dated who absolutely refused to let me speak. In an argument or out of one, he was the only one who ever got to speak, bitch or whine. If I would have tried, he would say, "I'm not finished!" He never did seem to finish.
Last night I noticed him doing something that Rick always did. When I mention something that bothers me, he would tell me why I deserved to be bothered in such a way. It goes sort of like this:
ME: "You know, it really bothers me when you find one thing or another to argue with me about all the time."
HIM: "Well, if you hadn't spoken to me while I was on my cell phone the other night, I wouldn't have gotten mad in the first place."
Notice the deflection of my point and the indifference to my feelings. He put me right into a place where, in order to continue, I would have had to defend myself and that's not what I'm supposed to do when I'm trying to air my feelings. That's the trap that I almost fell into. Notice as well, that he had to go to last week to find something to complain about. A lot of women would stay right there and apologize to the fool.
Not this bitch.
I just stood up, opened my door and said, "I think you need to leave now."
Of course, he acted as though we were launching a missile and we both had to turn our keys. He didn't want to break up. He wanted to stay and fight and the entire point was that I didn't want to fight. So, I tried being nice and ignoring him (under the circumstances, that was as nice as he deserved) but it didn't work. He simply wanted to bicker and I simply wanted him to leave. So, I ended up back at the door, holding it open and saying, "You've got to leave...NOW."
Then I waited as he stared at me, obviously waiting for me to back down, apologize or beg him for his forgiveness. Instead, I offered to call the police for him. That did it.
Oh well. Another bum bites the dust. How do people hold on to responsible jobs AND drink all the time? This would have been a huge debacle had I been drinking too. Apparently, a person who's drinking actually enjoys verbal abuse volleyball.
It feels so good to toss an idiot out on his ear. I wish I had learned that before I took so much bullshit from Rick. I could have saved from myself years and years of misery.
The most important lesson here is that you should never let a person put you on the defsensive when you begin on the offensive. I don't know if it's the football watching or what...but I seem to run into men who like to put me in a spot where I must seek forgiveness. Rick did it so often that I noticed the pattern. Now, I'm well educated in the ways that men avoid what they perceive to be annoying. It'll take a very devious man to ever put me in that place again. I don't foresee it happening.
Ever.
Meg
"...Its like the radio in the car. I learned a long time ago that when there is a woman in my car, I am no longer the proriator of the dial. Its her domain and she can change the station as many times as she wants. See, its an "if you cant beat them, join them" attitude..."
Yes, this man has certainly learned a valuable lesson. He will not waste coutless hours bickering over silly things only to end up saying, "You're right...I'm sorry." Not that he would have been wrong in the first place, he simply won't waste time on the way to the place where he would end up anyway...at the corner of "How could I have been so stupid?" and "Baby, will we ever have sex again?"
I ran into one of the un-enlightened last night. I think I got rid of that case...at least I hope I did. I almost ran into the "Yeah, but you made me do it." trap. But, I've fallen for it before and won't be getting my neck caught in that noose again anytime soon.
It took me a while to figure this one out. I knew that he always had a few drinks every night that I saw him. But, I didn't realize how much he was drinking until the last couple of nights that I've seen him. Up until then, I never really paid attention and, like most drunks, he was trying to hide it anyway. It's not that I would mind terribly...IF he would ever be a happy drunk. But it took me until last night to figure out that he drank to the point that it caused him to get angry at me over one thing or another.
My natural propensity to blame myself for everything didn't let me see that he was getting mad at stupid things and that it was most likely alcohol related because he would NEVER get mad at me any other time. I don't enjoy drinking but it doesn't bother me if someone else does. It does bother me that I have to deal with an idiot. He never got sloppy drunk which is why it took me so long to catch on. And, as I wondered aloud last night, he never got happy drunk either.
He just got bitchy drunk. He would find something to argue about every single time that we were together. Now, I hate to argue and I won't do it under the best of circumstances. I'm certainly not going to argue with a person who's been drinking. This is the first guy who I've ever dated who absolutely refused to let me speak. In an argument or out of one, he was the only one who ever got to speak, bitch or whine. If I would have tried, he would say, "I'm not finished!" He never did seem to finish.
Last night I noticed him doing something that Rick always did. When I mention something that bothers me, he would tell me why I deserved to be bothered in such a way. It goes sort of like this:
ME: "You know, it really bothers me when you find one thing or another to argue with me about all the time."
HIM: "Well, if you hadn't spoken to me while I was on my cell phone the other night, I wouldn't have gotten mad in the first place."
Notice the deflection of my point and the indifference to my feelings. He put me right into a place where, in order to continue, I would have had to defend myself and that's not what I'm supposed to do when I'm trying to air my feelings. That's the trap that I almost fell into. Notice as well, that he had to go to last week to find something to complain about. A lot of women would stay right there and apologize to the fool.
Not this bitch.
I just stood up, opened my door and said, "I think you need to leave now."
Of course, he acted as though we were launching a missile and we both had to turn our keys. He didn't want to break up. He wanted to stay and fight and the entire point was that I didn't want to fight. So, I tried being nice and ignoring him (under the circumstances, that was as nice as he deserved) but it didn't work. He simply wanted to bicker and I simply wanted him to leave. So, I ended up back at the door, holding it open and saying, "You've got to leave...NOW."
Then I waited as he stared at me, obviously waiting for me to back down, apologize or beg him for his forgiveness. Instead, I offered to call the police for him. That did it.
Oh well. Another bum bites the dust. How do people hold on to responsible jobs AND drink all the time? This would have been a huge debacle had I been drinking too. Apparently, a person who's drinking actually enjoys verbal abuse volleyball.
It feels so good to toss an idiot out on his ear. I wish I had learned that before I took so much bullshit from Rick. I could have saved from myself years and years of misery.
The most important lesson here is that you should never let a person put you on the defsensive when you begin on the offensive. I don't know if it's the football watching or what...but I seem to run into men who like to put me in a spot where I must seek forgiveness. Rick did it so often that I noticed the pattern. Now, I'm well educated in the ways that men avoid what they perceive to be annoying. It'll take a very devious man to ever put me in that place again. I don't foresee it happening.
Ever.
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 5:15 AM
5 Comments:
Its me again...maybe I should just get a name to use so that I dont have to keep deferentiating myself from the other anonymous posts that occur.
I have often wondered why it is that some relationships work, while others dont. You hear of old people getting to their 50th wedding anniversary, how did they do it? I have a hypothesis that is, of course, just that, and as such up for debate: America has become a disosable society. From disposale diapers to disposable cameras, we have come to learn that when things are "finished" we throw them away. I can remember my grandfather having a different mentality. He had a camara that he got as a boy and, some 75 years later, he still used it. He would send it to the shop to be maintained a regular intervals and the thing, I might add, still works today as I am now the one charged with the bianual trek to the service shop.
Marriage is much like the camara I speak about above. Marriage, from what I can gather from both my friends and my parents who are married, takes work, you have to send it to the shop at regular intervals for service. The difference of course between the camara and marriage is that both parties have to be willing to take the marriage to the shop to make it work. It doesnt have to be something complex, or even costly. My parents have a system that only takes a peice of paper and a pen. They have been married for almost 36 years and, there are days when one of them writes a note to the other saying, "Honey know that I love you very much, but I dont want to see you until this evening, have a great day." it is this individual space that allows the two of them to reflect on where the marriage is going, where there have been wrong turns since the last time the marriage was in the "shop", and thus it alows them to fine tune the inconsistancies.
Granted, this is a system that has been perfected over more than three decades, but the lesson is still the same no matter what the intricacies of the "shop" system are: it takes love and understanding, compassion and caring, along with a butt load of other things to make a marriage work.
If that is how a marriage is supposed to work, it stands to reason that a relationship should work on a scaled down version of the same principle, should it not?
Yep...as a matter of fact, I had a relationship in which we only "fought" through emails. That way, emotion didn't get involved and we both got our points across. That was a good idea and I suggest it for people who can do so. The guy and I ended up being really good friends instead of lovers. I doubt we would have even been friends if we had argued in person.
To your other point...people are not taught to work at anything much anymore. Immediate gratification seems to be the plan for far too many people.
Once again, read Future Shock...at least the first 10 pages...and you'll see why that is.
After The Greatest Generation...the baby boomers were pretty much spoiled and didn't have to work much at anything unless they wanted something. It's a shame and I don't see anyway around it anytime soon. Our government seems to be making things worse when they pretty much buy votes. "Vote for me and I'll see to it that you get what you want and you don't have to do a thing!" So much for "Ask not what your country can do for you..."
And, society doesn't ask us to value marriage nowadays. Look at Tom Cruise...he's supposedly so happy with Katie Holmes that he literally jumps up and down. If he is so much in love...why doesn't he marry her? The answer is probably cash related. Our priorities are so screwed up today. We seem to be operating on the "If it feels good, do it" mentality. That's too bad.
Meggers
Well I do think that Anonymous needs to acquire an identity so that all of us can keep track... that aside, Meg, I'm going to read this post and read it and then read it again (and probably over and over again). I've fallen into this particular trap so often.
Money is, unfortunately, what rules the world these days...My grandfathers trusty camera is no longer of concern to the vast global population, butt it brings me a lot of joy....which, is better than money...unless it breaks then I think Ill take the money!!!!
Enyo,
Yeah, that trap is an easy on to fall into. I have to run a few errands and when I get back, I'll go over a few of the other traps that other people set for us.
Meg
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