Well...
...Solaris wanted me to do a bit of a rewrite on the Good Housekeeping article in the last post. So, I did.
This is the world that I want to live it in:
The Good Husband's Guide
* Take your wife to the finest restaurants. Plan ahead, maintain numerous charge accounts and keep hundreds of dollars in cash with you at all times. This is a way to let her know that you love, adore and worship her. Most women hate doing dishes and the prospect of being served by other people is part of showing your appreciation (especially after you've put a nosegay on her wrist) for her mere presence in your life.
*Keep your ass clean. Take 15 minutes a day to shower and another 15 to shave, apply lotions, powder and...keeping in mind how much she despises smelly shoes...maintain a clean foot and shoe interior. Use some cologne and a nice after shave, do your best to smell good...good and clean! SHE has just been out in the world with men who HAVE shaved and applied cologne.
*Be a bit more considerate and show a sincere interest in her life. The guy who came by while you were at work sure the hell did...and one of your duties is to try at least as hard as the pizza delivery guy tried.
*Keep your socks and underwear off the floor. Make one pass around the bed twice a day, picking up filthy clothes that you have cast off and then put them in the hamper before your wife has to look at your nasty underpants.
*Put your toiletries, etc back in the bathroom cabinet, then take a washcloth and dry the sink after you've finished with it.
*Over the cooler months of the year you should be sure to buy her a beautiful coat, appropriate to your local climate. Be sure to have a fireplace built in your bedroom for cold winter nights and it will benefit you too. After all, this is the woman from whom you would like a blow job later on.
*Round up the kids. Take them over to their Grandparent's house whenever possible. That is a true win-win-win situation. Be sure to pack the appropriate clothing and let your wife enjoy some peace. Minimize all annoyances. When you get back from dropping off the kids, do the laundry and wacuum the house. Try to encourage your wife to save her energy for later.
*Make her happy to make wild passionate love to you.
*Greet her with jewelry and show due dilligence in your desire to spoil her.
*Listen, do not speak...when she has PMS. You may have a thousand good reasons to bitch, but the week before her "friend" is not the time. Let her bitch as much as she wants - remember, she will be back to normal in a few days.
*Take her shopping for a new dress and then take her out to a great downtown dinner and a few drinks. Never complain if she flirts with other men in her new dress, she's going home with you. Instead, try to understand her desire to feel wanted and to enjoy flirting...after all...you're the one who bought the BOOBS!
* Your Goal: To furnish your wife with a home that gives her a feeling of peace, order and tranquility where she can decorate to her hearts content.
* Don't annoy her with financial matters.
*Don't complain if she doesn't make dinner because she went to a bar while you were at work. Count this as minor as compared to the time she slept with her boss...in your bed.
* Don't allow her to have to ask for anything twice. Put candles all over the bedroom and have her lie down for a massage. Have a nice glass of French Colombard ready for her.
* Arrange yourself right next to her and offer to take off her shirt. Of course you should ask her first, and be sure to ask her in a low, soft and sexy voice.
*Don't ask her any questions about her logic or her how she spent so much money in one day of shopping.Remember, she is the mistress of the house and as such she will always shop with impunity and total igorance about where the money comes from. You have no right to limit her.
*A good husband always eats great pussy.
...Solaris wanted me to do a bit of a rewrite on the Good Housekeeping article in the last post. So, I did.
This is the world that I want to live it in:
The Good Husband's Guide
* Take your wife to the finest restaurants. Plan ahead, maintain numerous charge accounts and keep hundreds of dollars in cash with you at all times. This is a way to let her know that you love, adore and worship her. Most women hate doing dishes and the prospect of being served by other people is part of showing your appreciation (especially after you've put a nosegay on her wrist) for her mere presence in your life.
*Keep your ass clean. Take 15 minutes a day to shower and another 15 to shave, apply lotions, powder and...keeping in mind how much she despises smelly shoes...maintain a clean foot and shoe interior. Use some cologne and a nice after shave, do your best to smell good...good and clean! SHE has just been out in the world with men who HAVE shaved and applied cologne.
*Be a bit more considerate and show a sincere interest in her life. The guy who came by while you were at work sure the hell did...and one of your duties is to try at least as hard as the pizza delivery guy tried.
*Keep your socks and underwear off the floor. Make one pass around the bed twice a day, picking up filthy clothes that you have cast off and then put them in the hamper before your wife has to look at your nasty underpants.
*Put your toiletries, etc back in the bathroom cabinet, then take a washcloth and dry the sink after you've finished with it.
*Over the cooler months of the year you should be sure to buy her a beautiful coat, appropriate to your local climate. Be sure to have a fireplace built in your bedroom for cold winter nights and it will benefit you too. After all, this is the woman from whom you would like a blow job later on.
*Round up the kids. Take them over to their Grandparent's house whenever possible. That is a true win-win-win situation. Be sure to pack the appropriate clothing and let your wife enjoy some peace. Minimize all annoyances. When you get back from dropping off the kids, do the laundry and wacuum the house. Try to encourage your wife to save her energy for later.
*Make her happy to make wild passionate love to you.
*Greet her with jewelry and show due dilligence in your desire to spoil her.
*Listen, do not speak...when she has PMS. You may have a thousand good reasons to bitch, but the week before her "friend" is not the time. Let her bitch as much as she wants - remember, she will be back to normal in a few days.
*Take her shopping for a new dress and then take her out to a great downtown dinner and a few drinks. Never complain if she flirts with other men in her new dress, she's going home with you. Instead, try to understand her desire to feel wanted and to enjoy flirting...after all...you're the one who bought the BOOBS!
* Your Goal: To furnish your wife with a home that gives her a feeling of peace, order and tranquility where she can decorate to her hearts content.
* Don't annoy her with financial matters.
*Don't complain if she doesn't make dinner because she went to a bar while you were at work. Count this as minor as compared to the time she slept with her boss...in your bed.
* Don't allow her to have to ask for anything twice. Put candles all over the bedroom and have her lie down for a massage. Have a nice glass of French Colombard ready for her.
* Arrange yourself right next to her and offer to take off her shirt. Of course you should ask her first, and be sure to ask her in a low, soft and sexy voice.
*Don't ask her any questions about her logic or her how she spent so much money in one day of shopping.Remember, she is the mistress of the house and as such she will always shop with impunity and total igorance about where the money comes from. You have no right to limit her.
*A good husband always eats great pussy.
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:52 PM
21 Comments:
http://megsfavoriterecipes.
blogspot.com/2006/09/
grandmas-simple-
southern-sausage-
gravy_26.html
That's the link to a really easy and good Southern breakfast.
I knew there was some reason I loved you gals...Brilliant Idea Solaris and great post all around Meg. So funny.
ROFLMAO! I like the world you live in and can I visit?
Jessica
I saw the good housekeeping article in a email and Im going to send this article to the freind who sent it to me!
So funny
Yeah, my daughter sent it to me and I sent her the rewrite in return...I hope that she keeps my version in mind when she gets married!
Meg
WEll done!! Now if we can arrange to have it officially published in a text book.
Well girl, perhaps we can! Now, go to our blog and help me write that text book!
Meg
The Road to Success with all women, I totally agree. You may think that I live in a fantasy world, but most of what you write in your post is the code that I live by. I never date too many women at one time (I am not married so I figure dating more than one until the one finds me is totally aceptable).
I got to many parties during the course of a year. Sometimes with the same lady, sometimes with different ladies. They all know that I am not dating exclusivly, and they all are aware than when the one finds me, it will be the end of those that are not the one.
If the dinner party is close to a significant date (i.e. their birthdays or a national holody) they always get a little trinket. Sometimes its earings, sometimes is a necklace, sometimes is a bracelet. Sometimes they get a little something just because its that particular day of the week and for no other reason (those are the best, at least reactionwise anyway!)
That having been said, I would like to venture into the tenous world of what I like to call the Radio Dial Man's guide for women.
1. Try your best never to be late. If I say that Im going to pick you up at 8, be ready no later than 8:05. If you are going to be later, a simple phone call will do to advise me of that fact.
2. Remember that we like to have a guys night out. Its a once a week thing. During that time, unless it is a life and death emergency, DO NOT CALL. DO NOT WHINE. If there is an important event that I must attend on that night, call me with enough time (2 days minimum) so that I can make arragements to canel the night. Do not expect me to change my plans unless you can prove to me that you were only told that morning. If you are told that morning, I will move heaven and earth to try and make it, but if I can't, dont be upset. Understand that I tried everything in my power to be there.
3. Do not cling to me during the whole event. Remember that you are an independent woman, you have a brain and you have social skills. If you didnt, you wouldnt be there in the first place. If it is a new setting for you, I will take you around and introduce you to everone that I know there. After the introdctory round, contact shoud be normal between us. Not excesssive and not at a minimum. In other words, DO NOT CLING TO ME, BUT DO NOT TREAT ME AS A TOTAL STRANGER.
4. At these functions, flirt as much as you want. After all, I know who gets to see you out of the dress at the end of the night, so I am not worried who you talk to. Just dont make an ass out of yourself, because if you do you will be put in a cab and sent home at the earliest possible moment and you will NEVER hear from me again.
5. Remember that you are a reflection of me at one of my events, just as I am a reflection of you at one of your events. Act accordngly, just as I promise to do the same.
6. When I have had a shitty day, and I am in a bad mood, remember that I am not mad at you, it is not a reflection of you, it is what happened during my day that made me feel this way. If you are understanding, and compassionate, the reality is that, normally, I will no longer be in a bad mood after about 5 minutes. If you act like an ass, then I will contine to be in a bad mood and that wont benefit either of us.
7. Finally, rememember, behind every great man is an even greater women. Without your support, we would be even bigger morons than we already are.
Have a great Friday!
shit, I keep forgetting. okay, I'll be right back.
Radio,
Ummm...did you say you were single?? Hmmmmmm. How close to Ohio are you. **Big smile**
Just teasing. You need to school your fellow brothers.
Hey Mack,
I was gonna say that!
You beat me to him...but I'm next. Leave a little something for me:)
OK, I'm off to lie in an MRI machine.
Meg
A few more rules for women:
1) Listen to me. If I am trying to tell you what happened to me, or how I feel, or what I am thinking about, give me your full attention, do not tell me what I'm "supposed" to think or feel, and do not use it to compare me to other men, your father, or "all men."
2) Be extremely careful with criticizing me. In fact, never do it. If you think I did something wrong, fine. However, there is no excuse for criticizing the kind of person I am, and it's incredibly destructive. Don't do it.
3) If we happen to have children, don't marginalize me. The relationship comes first, the children come second. If you don't do this, you eventually won't have a relationship. Really.
4) Do not use sex as a weapon or a form of leverage, ever.
5) Take responsibility for what you do and say. It doesn't matter if you were provoked, if you're having your period, or whatever else is going on. If you said it, you said it, and you're responsible for it.
6) I am a man. I am different than you. Never forget that.
7) Spare us the more unpleasant details of your personal hygiene efforts. I'm well aware that you have to change your tampon twice a day sometimes, or that sometimes you're constipated. Believe it or not, I'm not eager to discuss it.
8) Have a sense of humor.
9) Remember that I am on your side. If I forget to take out the trash, it doesn't mean I don't respect you or something. It means I forgot to take out the trash.
10) During sex, once in a while, reach out, take our hand, and put our fingers in your mouth. We love that.
I expect this was a waste of 15 minutes' effort and that it'll be deleted but I just had to reply:
The Good Wife's Guide
* Quit telling him to take you to the finest restaurants. You know how much he earns. Most men hate doing dishes, too, but they hate the idea of being homeless even more.
* Don't insist a man spend 15 minutes a day in the shower unless he has REALLY long hair. It takes two minutes to shave; one stray whisker won't hurt you anymore than those couple leg hairs you missed bother him.
* Be a bit more considerate and show a sincere interest in his life. The barista at the Starbucks sure the hell did... and one of your duties is to try at least as hard as the secretary trying to get promoted did.
* Keep your shoes in the closet. If you're going to blow $500 on a pair of D&Gs that you never actually wear, at least have the decency to keep them out of his sight so that he doesn't have to think about that money which could've been used to go out to a nice restaurant.
* Put your toiletries, make-up, curling iron, flattening iron, hair brushes lip gloss, lipstick, eye shadows, dozen brushes, cotton pads, make-up remover, eye liner, mascara, foundation, cold cream, Oil of Olay, cuticle scissors, emery boards, pumice foot scraper, eyebrow pencils, etc. back in the bathroom cabinet. Don' worry about the sink; it's made of porcelain and meant to get wet. It'll dry all on its own.
* Quit girling up the bedrom. You two have to share it. A candle or two, a painting both find nice, fine. It doesn't bode well making your husband think he's a girl. After all, this is the man you want thrusting in a masculine way after the late show, maybe even before.
* Stop listening to your girlfriends' horror stories about their friends' cousin's husband hitting on the au pair. Your parents live 500 miles away and taking the kids there isn't practical. For an extra $50 almost every au pair is willing to do a couple days of full-time so you two can have a getaway.
* Make him happy to make wild passionate love to you: don't start whining about a bunch of little problems the instant he gets home from work. Save that until after the blowjob when he's much calmer and more receptive to your concerns.
* Greet him in a baby doll or teddy with a bottle of lube in hand. Maybe fuzzy handcuffs. Or a whip. Be adventurous. Be creative. Don't be demanding.
* Do not bitch about your PMS. Do not use it as an excuse to be Satan's overlord. Your husband actually does feel bad that you're suffering. Your tirades and failure to accept that this is the price of being a woman quickly erode any empathy and sympathy you might otherwise enjoy.
* Walk with him uncomplaining through the hardware store and Best Buy. Go with him afterwards to the sports bar so that he can relax and watch some mindless contest in which he doesn't actually have to take part. Never complain if he flirts with other women; he's going home with you. Instead, try to understand his desire to feel wanted and to enjoy flirting. After all, you're the one who will definitely show him the BOOBS!
* Your Goal: To furnish your husband with a home that gives him a feeling of peace, order and tranquility where he can relax to his heart's content.
* Don't annoy him with financial disasters. Talk to him before making purchases over $50.
*Don't complain if he doesn't show up in time for dinner because he went to a bar while you cooked that casserole. Count this as minor as compared to the time he slept with his secretary... in your bed.
* Don't make him have to ask for anything twice. Go easy on the candles and flowers in the bedroom and have him lie down for a massage. Have a nice glass of single malt whiskey ready for him. Cask strength.
* Arrange yourself right next to him and offer to take off his shirt. Don't ask first, just do it; it's much sexier that way. And be sure to ask in a low, soft and sexy voice.
* Don't ask him any questions about logic because it's different than yours. Don't spend so much money in one day of shopping because the bed is much more comfortable than a car seat. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such he will always reign with impunity and total knowledge about where the money comes from. You have no right to limit him.
* A good wife always swallows.
Why would I delete it? This was all in fun and yours was amusing so of course I would not delete it. I'm not a chicken shit who can dish it out but can't take it...and, by the way...I have ALWAYS swallowed.
I have references.
Meg
Oh, and I must add...I ADORE MEN!!!! I just like to be silly every so often.
Meg
OK, big ups for letting the post through, especially since I didn't see the original from a few days ago. I saw that original Good Housekeeping article somewhere a few years ago and shuddered when I read it. I still can't get over lines like, "You have no right to question him" and "A good wife always knows her place", but I stand by my response.
And I'm with you. I believe in total and mutual respect and the post that I wrote was in response to the one from Good Housekeeping. I think you've given me an idea for my next post...I'll tell you all how I REALLY feel!
Come back in a bit to read it, I have to finish cooking dinner and then, of course, I'll have to write it.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Meg
I love you Mommy. You are the bestest funniest Mom.
I love you too Annie.
Mommy is so proud of you! Thanks for sending me the article in the first place!
Call me!
Mommy loves you
Very fun read, Meg. I have one for my fellow guys:
If she comes to you, wanting to talk about a problem ... just shut up and listen! She may want your help, she may want suggestions, she may even want you to fix the problem, but right now ... she wants you to shut up and listen!
I learned that one the hard way!
Yes...and I have touched upon this before...usually all we want is for someone to hear us bitch. If we want your advice, assistance or pistol, we'll ASK for it.
So, until we ASK for your help...just smile, nod and say, "Hhhmmm"
Meg
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