I wrote this...

...a very long time ago. Based on certain recent comments, I thought that it was time to run it again:

I do not hate ALL men, let me make that perfectly clear!

I have just received a kind email from a man who wanted to write in defense of men. Don’t bother, honey, I know they aren’t all wife abusing, selfish, lying, cowardly bums. And if I ever gave anyone that impression, PLEASE let me clear that up. I truly love men! I want one! I need one! I could use one for the evening! The fact that I told the truth about Rick and it ended up on Cruel.com is not a reflection of how evil all men are...just one specific man.

Of all the things he has ever done to me, I think the worst is that he made me understand country music. For that, I will never, ever forgive him. The bruises have healed, my car doesn’t run but it is insured (see That Was Stupid), I haven’t been thrown out of my home yet and I am getting over the pain of it all. But, the comprehension of the compositions of Loretta Lynn and her type will be with me forever. Talk about cruel.

So, men, please do not take offense. Just be proud that you are not the subject of this blog. If you were, it would be your picture that people would be laughing at. I sent Rick’s picture to a lady and she responded, ever so apologetically, saying he looked like a child molester.

I didn’t say that, she did. But it did make me think, just how old is his wench du jour? For all I know, she is 17 years old. How else could you explain her attraction to him? My excuse is that I was drinking pretty heavily when I met him. That was over 22 years ago and I see things much more clearly nowadays.

To be fair, I will also post a picture of myself. And let me first say that my nose is not as large as it appears, I swear. I don’t care what I do to look nice, my nose comes out looking like Durante’s. But, I also swear, that Rick’s head IS most certainly as bald as IT appears.

Something you won’t see in the picture, luckily for you (although I will never get the picture out of my head) is the fact that his size 12 feet have no correlation to anything else on his body, if you know what I mean. Personally, I think it’s the hands that speak volumes. Or in Rick’s case, a few VERY SHORT words.

You know, when I met Rick, he grossed me out. But liquor is a crazy drug. He kept coming around and coming around and he started to look less disgusting. Damn. Many people have asked me what in the world I was doing with such a cretin and I have no excuse. I don’t know.

So, let me say to the world, I will check references next time and I will run at the first sign of a skidmark. Any man that hasn’t gotten the toilet paper thing down after close to 50 years of ass-wiping experience will not darken my door step, I promise. So, do you understand, men? It isn’t all of you, just that one. I know you are all out there trying to figure us out and doing your best to make your women happy. For that, I thank you.

And you know what? I am going to tell you a little secret. Only because I adore men and need to placate the ones who think I am a man hater, here you go: you can tell the difference between a real orgasm and a fake one by looking at her nipples. If she faked it, they will be flat. If she didn’t, they will be...perky.

So, men, are we cool? I hope so. And, ladies, if you have a good one, let them know how good they are. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own needs that we forget that the testosterone induced have a few of their own. And to the kind man from Kennesaw who wrote to me, keep the faith.