I came back to see if you "elaborated on your assertion" yet. I'm looking forward to it.
Well, I hadn’t planned...
...on doing it so soon but since you were waiting and I’m the only one in the house who’s awake, I saw no reason to put it off.
My assertion was in disagreement with an assertion made by Brad. Brad stated that an affair was a symptom of something wrong in the marriage. That may or may not be true. But as Brad himself noted in his post…things went bad in his marriage and he never fucked anyone else.:
"... As much of a selfish bitch as my ex-wife was, I never once even thought of cheating on her when we were married...."
So…methinks that all you really need is one person who would cheat and the proper circumstances. If Rick had never met the chick he fucked…our marriage would have been as it always was. But…nothing was wrong. HE TOLD ME NOTHING WAS WRONG! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!
And then I went from being all he ever wanted to the only thing in his life that he didn’t want. It seemed to happen overnight. He even got me to admit to my part in the break up of our marriage. I said that because I HAD to have done something wrong…right? After all…it must be a symptom of something wrong in the marriage…right? And it takes two…right?
The only problem with that is the behavior that I apologized for occurred well AFTER he had begun his affair. I had no idea how long it had been going on. But I now know it was longer than I had ever dreamed it could have been. I’ve been uncovering lies since the man left. So…yeah, I acted like an insecure wife…but MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME! I WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME! He never stopped lying to me.
Even after the first affair, I said that if he wanted me to trust him again, he needed to go for one measly year out of his life without telling a lie. He couldn’t do it. So…whatever.
I hate to sound so pedantic but it’s simply true that cheaters cheat. They may go 15 years without screwing another person. But that’s just because the perfect situation hasn’t presented itself. Solaris’s husband wouldn’t have cheated if he had never met a horny old lady with cash. And mine wouldn’t have left if he hadn’t found a trailer with a whore in it.
The men in Brad’s post say that they found someone else and “They never felt this way with their wives.” Bullshit. They did so…they’ve just forgotten. I didn’t forget how Rick adored me…he did. It was very convenient for him at the time. I can’t blame him too much…I should have left years and years ago. But I trusted one thing…whatever happened…we could find a way through it all. Those words just irritated me so much that I could literally spit.
No….an affair doesn’t have to be a sign of something wrong in a marriage. It could just be a sign that a person who wasn’t raised with honor or ideals such as fidelity, loyalty and selflessness has met a person who wants to fuck them.
I could go on and on but I think you get the point. There simply are those who would cheat and those who wouldn’t. It’s a good idea to check out the families of the people you marry. Do they seem the type who would go out of their way to teach their children ethics? There are some people that it just never occurs to. There are parents who never so much as give one little thought to going out of their way to teach a kid a moral lesson out of any given situation. And some parents take every chance they get.
If a family is all screwed up, no lessons anywhere, life just full of selfish behavior and selfish acts…and the kids all get in trouble almost annually and the adults are all less than stable, changing partners and lying to everyone in sight…run. Just assume that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and run.
If you’re talking about a lifelong married life…maybe as much as 50 or 60 years…and you have a spouse that cheats on you every ten years…that’s 5 affairs to live with, deal with and get over...it will NOT be good on your health.
Dealing with that in itself takes years. But…you have a lifetime so work on that shit. Once again…it pays off in dividends you never considered. Beauty is only skin deep, sex is only fun for a short time, and people who would screw a married person would cheat on you sooner or later, but…old age lasts until you die. If that’s a long time…you might want to look back on something as rare as a lifelong soul mate. You might want to consider keeping promises. Rick and I promised each other that we would let the other know if we felt attracted to someone else. He never told me that. But...I said it to him once. Rather than do what we had planned to do…work harder on our marriage at that point…I was supposed to give him a chance to keep me before I let another man take me away and he promised to give me that chance as well...his answer was to have an affair. My comments, instead of being the clue for him to help our marriage, were used as a rationale for cheating. If he had told me when he was attracted to someone else...I would have been angry for a while. I would have deserved to be...for a while. But...I would have known what I was up against and I would have had a chance. But I was in a competition that I wasn't aware I was in. That's not one you can win.
So, I guess the moral here is don't blame yourself.
OK Brad...do you see where I'm coming from?
Oh well. There’s nothing that I can do about it but this…if you’ve been cheated on, don’t feel as though you did something wrong. Maybe you did…but there simply is no reason to cheat, emotionally, physically or mentally….there’s no excuse. So, even if you did do something…you didn’t deserve that. And if you KNOW something’s going on but when you ask and get a “Nothing’s wrong” answer followed by a “You’re making yourself insane!!!”, just remember that him saying it doesn’t make it true. And don't forget this little peice of salacious info...HE'S A FUCKING LIAR!!!
Oh...and now that I think of it...look both ways before you cross the street.
Well, I hadn’t planned...
...on doing it so soon but since you were waiting and I’m the only one in the house who’s awake, I saw no reason to put it off.
My assertion was in disagreement with an assertion made by Brad. Brad stated that an affair was a symptom of something wrong in the marriage. That may or may not be true. But as Brad himself noted in his post…things went bad in his marriage and he never fucked anyone else.:
"... As much of a selfish bitch as my ex-wife was, I never once even thought of cheating on her when we were married...."
So…methinks that all you really need is one person who would cheat and the proper circumstances. If Rick had never met the chick he fucked…our marriage would have been as it always was. But…nothing was wrong. HE TOLD ME NOTHING WAS WRONG! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!
And then I went from being all he ever wanted to the only thing in his life that he didn’t want. It seemed to happen overnight. He even got me to admit to my part in the break up of our marriage. I said that because I HAD to have done something wrong…right? After all…it must be a symptom of something wrong in the marriage…right? And it takes two…right?
The only problem with that is the behavior that I apologized for occurred well AFTER he had begun his affair. I had no idea how long it had been going on. But I now know it was longer than I had ever dreamed it could have been. I’ve been uncovering lies since the man left. So…yeah, I acted like an insecure wife…but MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME! I WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME! He never stopped lying to me.
Even after the first affair, I said that if he wanted me to trust him again, he needed to go for one measly year out of his life without telling a lie. He couldn’t do it. So…whatever.
I hate to sound so pedantic but it’s simply true that cheaters cheat. They may go 15 years without screwing another person. But that’s just because the perfect situation hasn’t presented itself. Solaris’s husband wouldn’t have cheated if he had never met a horny old lady with cash. And mine wouldn’t have left if he hadn’t found a trailer with a whore in it.
The men in Brad’s post say that they found someone else and “They never felt this way with their wives.” Bullshit. They did so…they’ve just forgotten. I didn’t forget how Rick adored me…he did. It was very convenient for him at the time. I can’t blame him too much…I should have left years and years ago. But I trusted one thing…whatever happened…we could find a way through it all. Those words just irritated me so much that I could literally spit.
No….an affair doesn’t have to be a sign of something wrong in a marriage. It could just be a sign that a person who wasn’t raised with honor or ideals such as fidelity, loyalty and selflessness has met a person who wants to fuck them.
I could go on and on but I think you get the point. There simply are those who would cheat and those who wouldn’t. It’s a good idea to check out the families of the people you marry. Do they seem the type who would go out of their way to teach their children ethics? There are some people that it just never occurs to. There are parents who never so much as give one little thought to going out of their way to teach a kid a moral lesson out of any given situation. And some parents take every chance they get.
If a family is all screwed up, no lessons anywhere, life just full of selfish behavior and selfish acts…and the kids all get in trouble almost annually and the adults are all less than stable, changing partners and lying to everyone in sight…run. Just assume that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and run.
If you’re talking about a lifelong married life…maybe as much as 50 or 60 years…and you have a spouse that cheats on you every ten years…that’s 5 affairs to live with, deal with and get over...it will NOT be good on your health.
Dealing with that in itself takes years. But…you have a lifetime so work on that shit. Once again…it pays off in dividends you never considered. Beauty is only skin deep, sex is only fun for a short time, and people who would screw a married person would cheat on you sooner or later, but…old age lasts until you die. If that’s a long time…you might want to look back on something as rare as a lifelong soul mate. You might want to consider keeping promises. Rick and I promised each other that we would let the other know if we felt attracted to someone else. He never told me that. But...I said it to him once. Rather than do what we had planned to do…work harder on our marriage at that point…I was supposed to give him a chance to keep me before I let another man take me away and he promised to give me that chance as well...his answer was to have an affair. My comments, instead of being the clue for him to help our marriage, were used as a rationale for cheating. If he had told me when he was attracted to someone else...I would have been angry for a while. I would have deserved to be...for a while. But...I would have known what I was up against and I would have had a chance. But I was in a competition that I wasn't aware I was in. That's not one you can win.
So, I guess the moral here is don't blame yourself.
OK Brad...do you see where I'm coming from?
Oh well. There’s nothing that I can do about it but this…if you’ve been cheated on, don’t feel as though you did something wrong. Maybe you did…but there simply is no reason to cheat, emotionally, physically or mentally….there’s no excuse. So, even if you did do something…you didn’t deserve that. And if you KNOW something’s going on but when you ask and get a “Nothing’s wrong” answer followed by a “You’re making yourself insane!!!”, just remember that him saying it doesn’t make it true. And don't forget this little peice of salacious info...HE'S A FUCKING LIAR!!!
Oh...and now that I think of it...look both ways before you cross the street.
posted by Meg Kelso | 4:42 AM
10 Comments:
Do you think age makes a difference?
I've never cheated in the 20 years I've been married but I cheated a few times when I was a teenager, dating. I was terrified it would be something ( a character flaw)that would carry over into my married life. I knew it was wrong but was worried that when temptation occurred I wouldn't have the willpower to resist.
I prayed about it, because we had a baby on the way and I really wanted my marriage to work. We've had many rocky times and temptation came knocking a few times. But I guess I cared more for my kids well being and the far reaching consequences and that was enough to hold me back.
So I was a cheater and could have continued but chose not too. I guess marriage and motherhood changed me.
I guess age matters to an extent...but so does taking that vow. And when you consider the baby...you don't even think of breaking that vow because you aren't SELFISH...you're thinking of someone else. That's why I keep bringing that point up.
It's the whole thing in a nutshell. If you are the type who would cheat on a vow like marriage...you would...period. Dating isn't the same. It's still not right...but marriage is simply supposed to be a lifelong committment. If you hang in there during the bad times you'll have an amazing life story to tell.
Yeah, age is a factor, that's why you shouldn't generally get6 married at 16...but there are those who do it and do it well. But...Rick and I were 30 years old and had dated for 6 years. Go figure.
Meg - It takes an extremely strong woman to turn away a man who showers her with affection and "I'm sorries" -
especially if she loves the man. The only thing that your actions have shown by accepting him back is that you really loved Rick and you wanted to keep your family together.
Wow. That was quite an elaboration. I still think that you may have misinterpreted a couple of the things I was saying. Now I feel the need to clarify a little in another post so that my comment here doesn't look like a novel.
Thanks for the discussion.
Brad (but more to your readers) -
This topic is upsetting - I had to skim through it, but I'll comment anyway.
I swear to the Almighty, that my husband NEVER told me that there was anything wrong with our marriage before I found out about the affair.
He used to tell me that he loves me, and that I was his best friend.
And then I found several text messages - one of them, "I can't wait to have our little daughter together" from his coworker's phone. But I forgave him on the spot because I really loved him and I was desperate to save our marriage.
BUT he developed an unexplainable anger towards me and acted as if the cheating was my fault. He moved out at the end of the second week after I found the texts and a week later, I was mailed divorce papers.
That's how my 10 year marriage - the one I bragged about to my coworkers, ended. Suddenly - within a span of 3 weeks.
Even if I was doing something that made him unhappy, why didn't he ever tell me?
The truth is because HE WASN'T UNHAPPY. But he had to justify his affair and the "I've-never-felt-this-way-before" feeling associated with his affair so he made himself believe that he was. (Oh, and that "feeling" really translates to new lust. that's all it is)
Funny how an affair becomes one big lie after another. It's unbelievable the amount of lying the cheater has to do. If only my husband could have told his family and friends the truth, it would have hurt less. But, without elaborating - the office bitch and him both made it seem as if I was imagining the obvious.
That's what prompted me to blog - to express the injustice.
Oh, and Meg - I totally disagree with your "checking the person's family out" comment.
I had people in my family cheat on their spouses, but I would absolutely NEVER cheat on mine. AND, my husband's family has done nothing but teach their children ethics and morals. They are of the type who pray together before mealtime.
I think that one should evaluate the person's character and history, but even those things can be highly deceiving.
but what's the use?? When you're in love and you want things to work, you'd tend excuse the person's behavior anyway.
You're right as usual Meg. But let me add: TRUST YOUR INTUITION!
Solaris...I did love him...leaving wasn't an option, we were married.
Brad, I agreed with EVERYTHING else you said so you're still batting in the .900's. Not bad at all, it was an excellent post...I wouldn't have subjected my readers to a poorly written post.
To what Solaris said in the long comment....ditto.
Cheryl...abso-fucking-lutely. You are NOT crazy...you're right.
Cheating is not always a sign of an unhappy marriage, but it is ALWAYS a sign of something askew with the cheating partner.
Yes ma'am. Tis.
:):):)
I hate to think a cheater is always a cheater since, as you know, my H had an affair. I tend to think, and some research bears this out, that there are different kinds of issues that lead people to do things that are wrong. Some people know they are wrong and their sense is overridden for some reason and others have no real sense of wrong and feel completely entitled to do whatever they want. I do agree that it is not always something wrong with the marriage but I know in my case, we had drifted apart for many good reasons that everyone experiences and we were,neither of us, very skillful about handling that. Bad English I know, but I need a vacation from my vacation! Seems like material for a full blog! Lollies!
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