Damn...

...This chick and I could spend hours philosophising over relationships:

"I think when you marry someone you are (whether you admit it or not) marrying who they are at that point in time. Most folks, myself included, don't deal well with change. When someone's nature changes over time, their partner can find that extremely hard to deal with. Perhaps the qualities that attracted them to you or you to them are no longer present? I always used to tell the ex that the first years were going to be rough, but if we stuck to them, things would get better...-Cassie"

You know, things do go bad at times in a mariage. But, like the vow says, "for better and for worse". If you enjoy the good times, you need to suffer the down times and if you do stick it out, there's more than a prize at the bottom of the box.

I've gone through times in my marriage where I would look at Rick and want to hit him in the head with a hammer. I've gone through times when I thought that I didn't love him anymore. But, the more I went through those times and stayed, the more I really did love him. If we had been lucky enough to stay together, we would have found that at the end of our lives we would be happier than we ever could have dreamed.

The problem with most people today is that when they start to feel like they aren't madly in love anymore, they give up on the marriage, cheat or just stop trying. The other day I told my father (who has recently been having some prostate problems) that all men, if they lived long enough, would eventually suffer prostate problems. He said, "Well, that's the bright side, isn't it?"

Yeah, that's the bright side. And, with marriage, if you are married long enough, you WILL go through those rough patches. Prostate problems are a bitch, and bad patches of a marriage are a bitch as well. But the alternative to being old enough to have prostate problems is death and the alternative to having a marital problems is divorce. So, a long life for a man means prostate problems and a long, successful marriage means enduring the rough patches.

Of course it takes work to have a happy marriage. But it's well worth the time and effort. I can't tell you how touching it is to watch a husband sitting next to his sick wife, holding her hand and telling her how much he loves her. I've watched many a man stare at his beloved wife as she slipped into a place that he could no longer reach her. I've seen men (and women) visit their life partner in a nursing home every single day. They sit next to the bed and watch TV or read a book, just to be close to the person with whom they've spent their life.

There used to be a time when my biggest fear was the day that one of us would have to bury the other. I worried what I would do without Rick and even more, what he would do without me. I would think about what the surviving one would do at the end of the other's life. I fully expected us to share the rest of our lives together.

Marriage does take work...we've all heard that a million times. But how many of us are willing to actually DO that work? It's not too tough at times, it's downright miserable at others. But there truly is a wonderful gift for those who do the work. You couldn't possibly know how great that gift is unless you stick around and see it for yourself.

Rick robbed us both of that gift and there's no way that I could ever forgive him for that. I may be able to be his friend but I'll never have that lifelong love that I had planned on and I deserved. We all deserve that. Even Rick deserved it, but he never knew what I meant and now, he never will.

We live in a disposable society and we are trying to recycle many things. But it doesn't work with people. I may marry again and I may even be happily married, but I'll never be able to remember that husband when he was young. I won't be able to say, "We have been together since we were so young that I remember when we stayed up all night talking and dancing". I won't remember the struggles of a young couple. I won't remember our children when they were little ones. All of those things are the result of a life long marriage that began with 2 very young people and ended decades later with 2 very old people.

Anyone who's been married long enough knows what I mean about the rough patches. Those who were wise enough, mature enough and strong enough to stay during those times know that they do end and the happy times come around again. Maybe those particular rough patches weren't too bad and the next one will be worse. But they, too, will end and the happiness will return. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by divorcing Rick but at that point, I had to. He was becoming more and more violent and even though he may not have meant to kill me, that most certainly could have happened. I couldn't take that chance. And, I couldn't set such an example for my daughter...or my sons for that matter. Violence is NOT OK and I didn't want to send the message that it was. But, I would have liked to have set another example...that of how to earn the gift of a lifelong marriage.

Oh well, I pray that they learn that lesson on their own.

Meg