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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Damn...

...This chick and I could spend hours philosophising over relationships:

"I think when you marry someone you are (whether you admit it or not) marrying who they are at that point in time. Most folks, myself included, don't deal well with change. When someone's nature changes over time, their partner can find that extremely hard to deal with. Perhaps the qualities that attracted them to you or you to them are no longer present? I always used to tell the ex that the first years were going to be rough, but if we stuck to them, things would get better...-Cassie"

You know, things do go bad at times in a mariage. But, like the vow says, "for better and for worse". If you enjoy the good times, you need to suffer the down times and if you do stick it out, there's more than a prize at the bottom of the box.

I've gone through times in my marriage where I would look at Rick and want to hit him in the head with a hammer. I've gone through times when I thought that I didn't love him anymore. But, the more I went through those times and stayed, the more I really did love him. If we had been lucky enough to stay together, we would have found that at the end of our lives we would be happier than we ever could have dreamed.

The problem with most people today is that when they start to feel like they aren't madly in love anymore, they give up on the marriage, cheat or just stop trying. The other day I told my father (who has recently been having some prostate problems) that all men, if they lived long enough, would eventually suffer prostate problems. He said, "Well, that's the bright side, isn't it?"

Yeah, that's the bright side. And, with marriage, if you are married long enough, you WILL go through those rough patches. Prostate problems are a bitch, and bad patches of a marriage are a bitch as well. But the alternative to being old enough to have prostate problems is death and the alternative to having a marital problems is divorce. So, a long life for a man means prostate problems and a long, successful marriage means enduring the rough patches.

Of course it takes work to have a happy marriage. But it's well worth the time and effort. I can't tell you how touching it is to watch a husband sitting next to his sick wife, holding her hand and telling her how much he loves her. I've watched many a man stare at his beloved wife as she slipped into a place that he could no longer reach her. I've seen men (and women) visit their life partner in a nursing home every single day. They sit next to the bed and watch TV or read a book, just to be close to the person with whom they've spent their life.

There used to be a time when my biggest fear was the day that one of us would have to bury the other. I worried what I would do without Rick and even more, what he would do without me. I would think about what the surviving one would do at the end of the other's life. I fully expected us to share the rest of our lives together.

Marriage does take work...we've all heard that a million times. But how many of us are willing to actually DO that work? It's not too tough at times, it's downright miserable at others. But there truly is a wonderful gift for those who do the work. You couldn't possibly know how great that gift is unless you stick around and see it for yourself.

Rick robbed us both of that gift and there's no way that I could ever forgive him for that. I may be able to be his friend but I'll never have that lifelong love that I had planned on and I deserved. We all deserve that. Even Rick deserved it, but he never knew what I meant and now, he never will.

We live in a disposable society and we are trying to recycle many things. But it doesn't work with people. I may marry again and I may even be happily married, but I'll never be able to remember that husband when he was young. I won't be able to say, "We have been together since we were so young that I remember when we stayed up all night talking and dancing". I won't remember the struggles of a young couple. I won't remember our children when they were little ones. All of those things are the result of a life long marriage that began with 2 very young people and ended decades later with 2 very old people.

Anyone who's been married long enough knows what I mean about the rough patches. Those who were wise enough, mature enough and strong enough to stay during those times know that they do end and the happy times come around again. Maybe those particular rough patches weren't too bad and the next one will be worse. But they, too, will end and the happiness will return. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by divorcing Rick but at that point, I had to. He was becoming more and more violent and even though he may not have meant to kill me, that most certainly could have happened. I couldn't take that chance. And, I couldn't set such an example for my daughter...or my sons for that matter. Violence is NOT OK and I didn't want to send the message that it was. But, I would have liked to have set another example...that of how to earn the gift of a lifelong marriage.

Oh well, I pray that they learn that lesson on their own.

Meg

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post. It is a wonderful thing to see two people who've been together since they were very young.
On the other hand, no one should stay in a marriage where their being abused. Whether it be mental, emotional, or physical. When the love is gone, it's gone.
Some of the happiest people I've known are those in their second marriages. They learned enough the first time around to spot the pitfalls ahead of time and can take steps to avoid them the second time around.
I guess we each have to do what's best for us.
Hope you have a great weekend.
dixiebelle1990@hotmail.com

June 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a young married women and I totally agree with you that it takes "work" but at the end it always comes back together. The man I married is 6 yrs older then me....Im 25 and he is 31. My parents divorced when I was very young, his are still married after 27 years and still going strong. It is so lovely to see thier relationship and hope to God that my husband will follow in thier footsteps. I learned seeing my parents divorce and how hard it was for me as a little girl that I DO NOT want to put my kids through that sort of trauma either. I have 2 from a previous relationship but now me and my husband are expecting a baby girl in September.....One thing I can say is we may bicker and argue in the day but when it is time to go to bed, neither of us can sleep without apologizing or doing something to know that everything will be OK =) I love your writing by the way, I have been coming to your site for a VERY long time!

June 23, 2006  
Blogger Karin's Korner said...

Meg-
I know exactly what you are saying. I was married to my first husband for 20 years and we definately went through alot together but in the end I had to walk away, I just could not stand the way he treated me. If you want more of my story please feel free to read my blog, I am just beginning to tell everyone what indeed happened and I have not even got to the good part yet. On the other note. I am very happily married now. What a wonderful man that I have found but you are right, I will never spend 67 years with him, We will never be able to share the sweetness of teenage love. That makes me sad in a way but I look at the alternative, We will be able to share the rest of our lives and the lives of our children and grandchildren together. He is the most wonderful man and I am so lucky that he picked me :)

June 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Dixie,

Yeah, those are two beautiful people, aren't they? When I have a few minutes, I will write a post about some of the most amazing couples that I've ever met. Working with the elderly, I've had the honor of meeting some people that most people never get to meet. Besides the couples, I've met a man who actually survived the Bataan Death March!!!!!

Meg

June 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Karin,

I'm so glad that you've found a wonderful husband. It gives me hope that I may, someday, find that kind of love myself. I will pop in and take a look at your blog this weekend whe I do MY blog reading.

Meg

June 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Here is another comment that, for some reason, wouldn't publish:

I am a young married women and I totally agree with you that it takes "work" but at the end it always comes back together. The man I married is 6 yrs older then me....Im 25 and he is 31. My parents divorced when I was very young, his are still married after 27 years and still going strong. It is so lovely to see thier relationship and hope to God that my husband will follow in thier footsteps. I learned seeing my parents divorce and how hard it was for me as a little girl that I DO NOT want to put my kids through that sort of trauma either. I have 2 from a previous relationship but now me and my husband are expecting a baby girl in September.....One thing I can say is we may bicker and argue in the day but when it is time to go to bed, neither of us can sleep without apologizing or doing something to know that everything will be OK =) I love your writing by the way, I have been coming to your site for a VERY long time!

Congratulations! I wish you all the luck in the world! You're right, marital discord is extremely traumatic for children. I remember listening to my parents argue when I was a little girl and I would be terrified. I would lie on my bed and scream into the pillow. I would pray to God to please, make them stop. Once when I was about 7, my parents seperated and it was about the most frightening thing that I ever suffered as a child. Unfortunately, far too many people think more of themselves than they do their children and that's such a shame. I'm not saying that they should "stay together for the children", but it would be wonderful if they would put all the effort possible into their marriage, after all the children are a part of the marriage so when you fight for your marriage, you are fighting for the happiness of your children.

Thanks for the kind comment, I hope that you keep coming back!

Meg

June 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

OK, so it did post...I have a brain fart every so often, but I still think that it's working a bit...hopefully, it won't leave me anytime soon.

Meg

June 23, 2006  
Blogger terminated040106 said...

excellent post, as usual, Meg.
I am also going through a divorce, and I know exactly how you feel. I've posted about your excellent writing on my blog. Keep up the great work!

June 24, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, thank you June!

I'm glad you liked it and now I'm going to bed. Have a good evening and I'm gonna put your blog on mine as well.

Meg

June 25, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

OK, I wasn't able to...sorry. Could you send a link? Clicking on your name doesn't work like it usually would.

Meg

June 25, 2006  

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