Hello...
...finally. My PC is acting like a bitch today. "John" called me this morning but I didn't answer the phone because I haven't come up with a plan yet so I didn't want to speak to him. I'll do so when I decide how to handle this.
I've been trying to figure out how he fooled me so well. Usually, I'm a better judge of character than that, at least I like to think that I am. He didn't show the usual signs of being a married man but in hindsight, of course, I see a bunch of signs that I missed. Although I called him a few times in the evening, he never called me at night. He always called me during the day.
Then, there were the infrequent dates that I attributed to his busy job. I didn't mind that anyway because relationships that start out like a ball of fire always seem to burn out quickly so I like to start slowly. I hate those "dates that never end" where you go out once, the phone calls start the next day and then, before you know it, the other person expects to see you every day and when you eventually want to go out with a friend or do something that doesn't include them, they say, "What's wrong? Why don't you want to see ME tonight?" They take your desire to do something without them as a sign that you don't care as much about them when in reality, you just want to go out with your friends.
A lady named Cassie brought up an interesting point earlier. She wondered how she ever got involved with someone so different from her.
Who knows how these things happen? That chemistry that we feel toward another person pretty much blinds us to logic and reason. We don't think about things like compatibility, we just go with our feelings and forget to consider things that make sense. Sometimes that works well, other times it blows up in our face. When Rick and I were dating, I knew that we were different. I knew that he was unfamiliar with the lifestyle that I was accustomed to and I knew that I was giving that lifestyle up when I married him. I actually DID consider things like that, our differences and the things that we were both used to. I knew that I wouldn't be going out to nice restaurants anymore, I knew that I would be giving up life in the social circle that I was used to.
When I did that, I did it on purpose. I actually thought that Rick would be happy to have someone who was different than anyone else he ever knew. He came from a place that I was unaccustomed to and I knew the same about where I had come from. I thought it would work in my favor.
But, I should have considered the fact that he came from a social circle that was not only different in lifestyle, but was different in ethics. The people that he grew up around didn't think twice about having children out of wedlock and didn't think twice about sleeping with anyone with whom they wanted to sleep. They were the type of people who pretty much did what felt good, whether it was the right or wrong thing to do.
They did drugs, serious drugs, not just weed or alcohol. His friends did things like shoot up drugs into their veins. I thought that he was better than that. He wasn't, my vision was just clouded by emotion. I actually felt sorry for him and felt that he was the victim of a family that was unlike mine. He may have been a victim to some extent, but he didn't mind. I thought that he would be happy to live a life of honor. It turned out that he had no honor, he just acted how he thought I expected him to act. Unfortunately, he couldn't live like that for any length of time. There was no way that he could live that lifestyle forever.
Not only did he act like he thought that I wanted him to act, he told me what he thought I wanted to hear. And for some reason, he continues to do just that. He has been involved with quite a few women since our seperation but he has NEVER admitted that he's been with anyone but me. He seems to care what I think of him, but he doesn't care enough to change his lifestyle. That's just fine, I don't care. But, he has some odd need to have me believe certain things about him. I know he's lying and he even knows that I know, but he keeps it up anyway.
So, Cassie will never really understand how she let herself get dragged into a relationship that she wouldn't be in if her emotions didn't cloud her vision. It's simply the old saying, "Love is blind." Love is not only blind, it's a moron. So, there's not much we can do to understand things like that.
The best that we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to avoid making the same mistake again. I did that by developing a list of rules for dating. They may keep me from a lot of mistakes, but they won't guarantee that I won't ever do it again because of people like John. Even though I wouldn't ever date a married man, I can't avoid situations like the one in which I find myself now. I take people at thier word and assume that they're telling me the truth. I do know the signs of a married man, but with a good liar, I can easily find myself involved with one anyway. I'm not going to kick myself over it because I'm not perfect. No matter how much I try to avoid certain things, there's always going to be people who are better at lying than I am at spotting a liar.
OK, my PC is letting me write this, I don't know if it will let me post it. So, I'll do my best and that's about all I can do. I have to go to my drunk class shortly so I'm going to try to post this and then I'll get ready to go.
I'll be back later, if, that is, my PC let's me back.
Meg
...finally. My PC is acting like a bitch today. "John" called me this morning but I didn't answer the phone because I haven't come up with a plan yet so I didn't want to speak to him. I'll do so when I decide how to handle this.
I've been trying to figure out how he fooled me so well. Usually, I'm a better judge of character than that, at least I like to think that I am. He didn't show the usual signs of being a married man but in hindsight, of course, I see a bunch of signs that I missed. Although I called him a few times in the evening, he never called me at night. He always called me during the day.
Then, there were the infrequent dates that I attributed to his busy job. I didn't mind that anyway because relationships that start out like a ball of fire always seem to burn out quickly so I like to start slowly. I hate those "dates that never end" where you go out once, the phone calls start the next day and then, before you know it, the other person expects to see you every day and when you eventually want to go out with a friend or do something that doesn't include them, they say, "What's wrong? Why don't you want to see ME tonight?" They take your desire to do something without them as a sign that you don't care as much about them when in reality, you just want to go out with your friends.
A lady named Cassie brought up an interesting point earlier. She wondered how she ever got involved with someone so different from her.
Who knows how these things happen? That chemistry that we feel toward another person pretty much blinds us to logic and reason. We don't think about things like compatibility, we just go with our feelings and forget to consider things that make sense. Sometimes that works well, other times it blows up in our face. When Rick and I were dating, I knew that we were different. I knew that he was unfamiliar with the lifestyle that I was accustomed to and I knew that I was giving that lifestyle up when I married him. I actually DID consider things like that, our differences and the things that we were both used to. I knew that I wouldn't be going out to nice restaurants anymore, I knew that I would be giving up life in the social circle that I was used to.
When I did that, I did it on purpose. I actually thought that Rick would be happy to have someone who was different than anyone else he ever knew. He came from a place that I was unaccustomed to and I knew the same about where I had come from. I thought it would work in my favor.
But, I should have considered the fact that he came from a social circle that was not only different in lifestyle, but was different in ethics. The people that he grew up around didn't think twice about having children out of wedlock and didn't think twice about sleeping with anyone with whom they wanted to sleep. They were the type of people who pretty much did what felt good, whether it was the right or wrong thing to do.
They did drugs, serious drugs, not just weed or alcohol. His friends did things like shoot up drugs into their veins. I thought that he was better than that. He wasn't, my vision was just clouded by emotion. I actually felt sorry for him and felt that he was the victim of a family that was unlike mine. He may have been a victim to some extent, but he didn't mind. I thought that he would be happy to live a life of honor. It turned out that he had no honor, he just acted how he thought I expected him to act. Unfortunately, he couldn't live like that for any length of time. There was no way that he could live that lifestyle forever.
Not only did he act like he thought that I wanted him to act, he told me what he thought I wanted to hear. And for some reason, he continues to do just that. He has been involved with quite a few women since our seperation but he has NEVER admitted that he's been with anyone but me. He seems to care what I think of him, but he doesn't care enough to change his lifestyle. That's just fine, I don't care. But, he has some odd need to have me believe certain things about him. I know he's lying and he even knows that I know, but he keeps it up anyway.
So, Cassie will never really understand how she let herself get dragged into a relationship that she wouldn't be in if her emotions didn't cloud her vision. It's simply the old saying, "Love is blind." Love is not only blind, it's a moron. So, there's not much we can do to understand things like that.
The best that we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to avoid making the same mistake again. I did that by developing a list of rules for dating. They may keep me from a lot of mistakes, but they won't guarantee that I won't ever do it again because of people like John. Even though I wouldn't ever date a married man, I can't avoid situations like the one in which I find myself now. I take people at thier word and assume that they're telling me the truth. I do know the signs of a married man, but with a good liar, I can easily find myself involved with one anyway. I'm not going to kick myself over it because I'm not perfect. No matter how much I try to avoid certain things, there's always going to be people who are better at lying than I am at spotting a liar.
OK, my PC is letting me write this, I don't know if it will let me post it. So, I'll do my best and that's about all I can do. I have to go to my drunk class shortly so I'm going to try to post this and then I'll get ready to go.
I'll be back later, if, that is, my PC let's me back.
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 1:22 PM
1 Comments:
Meg -
There's another point I wish to make....
I think when you marry someone you are (whether you admit it or not) marrying who they are at that point in time. Most folks, myself included, don't deal well with change. When someone's nature changes over time, their partner can find that extremely hard to deal with. Perhaps the qualities that attracted them to you or you to them are no longer present?
I always used to tell the ex that the first years were going to be rough, but if we stuck to them, things would get better. Things do get better, of course, but they require attention and nurturing and energy (and attention any partner puts into having a furtive underlife just detracts from the stability of a marriage).
Anyway, nuff said.
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