I was reading...

...some things that I wrote back when Rick was still here and looking back, he was cheating on me when I wrote this particular entry. I used to write because I was bored and I wanted to get my feelings out. There wasn't anyone to talk to. Rick sure as hell wouldn't talk to me and I was here in a state where I knew no one and I needed to get the thoughts out somehow so I would just write them down. I found this one and it brought back some sad memories:

I've come into the kitchen to write because I am bored of sitting in the living room staring at the television screen. Rick is in there staring at it himself. I wonder if he knows what he's watching. I didn't have a clue what I was watching. I sit there and stare at the TV for hours and I don't have a clue what's on. I can watch an entire movie and when it's over, I couldn't name one actor that I had just watched. I just sit there, staring and thinking.

I think about what I could be doing. I think about how much of a waste all of these years have been. I think about all that I did before I married Rick and how badly he wanted to get married. I had so many reservations but he convinced me that he truly wanted me and that he was sorry for the lies that he told me. If I would just give him one chance, he would spend the rest of his life making me happy. I can look back now and see that I just wanted to believe what he was saying. I wanted to believe him so much that I married him, thinking that I had finally found the right man for me.

That was the first time I told myself what I wanted to hear and acted on it, even though part of me knew that I was wrong to believe him. Then, within a year of our marriage, he cheated on me. He moved out and when he did, I dated a few guys that actually treated me well. But for some stupid reason, when he wanted to come back, I was happy to have him. I don't know why, he had proven himself to be rotten husband material and yet I felt lucky to have him.

I don't know how many affairs he's had since we got married and I never will because he will never tell me. Yet, as the years go by and his behavior gets worse and worse, for some reason, I keep fighting harder and harder to keep him. Even after he started getting violent, I constantly blamed myself and wonder what I can do to make him happy.

He doesn't do the things that most men in love do. He doesn't send flowers, he doesn't take me out, he doesn't help around the house. When I'm sick, he just seems annoyed at me. If he were sick, I would do whatever I could to make him feel better and yet when I get sick, he seems to go out of his way to make me feel worse. And yet, I'm afraid that he will leave me. I'm terrified that he's having another affair but rather than get up and leave, I sit here wondering what I can do to make him happy.

As badly as I feel when he treats me so poorly, I feel even worse when I hear him speaking to other people. He talks to them like a normal person would talk. He's friendly, he smiles and he actually has things to say.

When he and I are alone, he isn't the least bit pleasant or friendly and he certainly has nothing to say to me. When I ask him why he doesn't talk to me, he just says, "You know me, I never talk." But after hearing him speak to everyone else in the world pleasantly, I have to face the fact that the man just doesn't like me at all.

When he walks in the door from work, he goes straight to the couch and sits there until he gets tired and then he goes to bed. I follow him around like a puppy dog. He doesn't say a word to me unless he wants something to eat or needs clean clothes. And then, I ask what has got to be the stupidest question in the world..."Do you love me?"

If I would just use the brain that God gave me, I would see that he doesn't and most of me knows it already. But, when I ask the question and he says, "Yes.", I'm happy, even though deep inside, I know that he doesn't. If I asked him if he had magical powers and he said yes, I would know he was lying. But, for some reason, I believe him when he says that he loves me. I don't know why it makes me happy to hear it, but it does.

There isn't any evidence that he loves me, just the word of a known liar. If I say that I don't feel loved, he just tells me how he works every day to pay the bills and that should prove his love to me. I should be satisfied to have a husband who does nothing husband-like except pay the bills.

I've had boyfriends who have done the most wonderful things for me and yet this is the one that I chose. I've been taken to the nicest restaurants in the world, I've had flowers delivered to my door and I've been given surprise gifts of jewelry. I've had boyfriends who have gone out of their way to show me a good time and to make my life a bit easier. They've obviously put thought into what they've done for me in an effort to win my affection. Yet, for some reason, I chose the one who has never done any of those things. He doesn't remember our anniversary or my birthday, he surely wouldn't give me a surprise gift. Why did I do that?

The odd thing is that I could do without the flowers, the gifts or even the nights out. All I've ever wanted was one man who wanted me back. If I had that, I would be as happy as a woman could be.

I used to date men that would sit across a restaurant table from me and tell me how pretty I was and how happy THEY were that I agreed to go out with them. I used to talk to men for hours. Men actually used to talk back to me. They were been bright, witty and educated. Yet, I married one who is none of those things.

I used to think that he just didn't know how to do those things but then I see the way he treats the women that he cheats on me with. I've read the love letters and heard the rumors. So, it's not that he doesn't know how to treat a lady, he just doesn't want to treat ME like a lady. He doesn't make me feel wanted, he doesn't make me feel good about myself and he doesn't make me feel like a woman. But still, the thing that scares me the most is the possibility of him leaving. I have no clue why I feel like that and I don't know how to make that feeling go away.

I wish that life would give me an arrow so that I would know which way to turn or what to do.

Well, I guess you could say that life has given me that arrow. It's just that the road it's pointing to is full of unknown possibilities and I fear the unknown as much as anyone. But, I've been traveling that road for a while now and I'm not sure how things are going at all. I need to get my compass back so that I can be sure to go somewhere that I want to go and hopefully, find someone that would make a good traveling partner.

Meg