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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Good afternoon...

...don't you love a good mystery? I know I do. My last really, really good mystery was finding out who my husband was boinking and how the heck he was getting away with it. Those cheaters can be clever little bastards when they work long and hard enough on their deception. But...they are never quite as clever as they think they are and sooner or later...they get caught.

Rick got sloppy. Or...should I say that he became NEAT! A middle aged bald man doesn't just wake up one day and decide to brush his few remaining teeth after years of not using the stuff the periodontist gave him for periodontal disease. If he was going to brush his teeth, he would have started in the 60's. The fact that he waited until 2004 CANNOT be a coincidence.

And why would a man go to Target and buy himself the very first article of clothing that he had purchased without his wife's assistance since 1987? I was rather distracted with a nasty case of cancer so I'm not quite sure when his little fling began...but by May of 2004, I was finding strange numbers on my phone. Incoming and outgoing. That sort of implies that someone in this house answered the number when it called and dialed it when it came up on redial. So what if I was the only other person who lived in the house at the time? It wasn't Rick using that number. It's all in my head. I must seek psychiatric help for my "trust issues".

Charlie Chan would have kicked that mystery down to some lowly intern. Heck...I solved the stupid mystery before I knew that there even WAS a mystery. Pretty cool...huh?

To say that Rick under-estimated me was a gross under-statement. He insulted my intelligence more often than he "peaked" prematurely. The man would deny the woman underneath of him if I caught him in bed with one. "Damn baby, it was the weirdest thing! I was running into the bedroom naked and all of a sudden I tripped and then you walked in right behind me....could you help me up?"

Well, I've stumbled upon a new mystery. It's so mysterious that I can't say anything just yet. But, when I figure out a bit more...I'll let you in on my little quandary. I can say this...I'm being under-estimated again.

Time sure has been flying lately. I measure the speed of time by this annoying nose hair that I have growing out of the left side of my left nostril. Every so often, it makes it's way over to the right side of my left nostril and begins to tickle the heck out of my nose until I can't take it anymore. I should just go into the rest room, grab a pair of tweezers and yank that sucker out. But as I've said, I'm quite a bad procrastinator. The only thing that I do exactly when I'm supposed to do it is pee. Other than that, I put things off until I absolutely CANNOT put them off any longer.

So, instead of plucking that stupid nose hair right away, I walk around for a few days with my fingers up my nose...trying to pull it out without a pair of tweezers. That never works but I keep trying. Anyway, it seems as though this nose hair has made it's way over to the other side of my nostril rather quickly this time. Oh well...it just gets me a bit closer to finding out the answer to the BIG mystery...is there life after death?

I sure the dickens hope that there is. I'd hate to think we're just here to be annoyed and then just turn to dust. But, I have this awful feeling that the commie may have been right when he said, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." Ever since I heard that I've been freaking out about the death thing. I was pretty well secure in the fact that I would be spending eternity on a cloud playing a harp. Now, I'm not so sure.

Even with my doubts...I can't watch The Sixth Sense alone. I'm sure that the dead people are standing right in front of me shouting, "Hey! Can't you hear me? GO TELL MY WIFE THAT THE INSURANCE POLICY IS UNDER THE MATRESS!!!"

Even a ghost worried about insurance policies would freak me out. I miss my mother but if she tapped me on the shoulder, I'd be rather startled...to say the least. Nope...I don't want to meet ANY ghosts. Well, if I were dead myself, it'd probably be OK...but until then, I'd rather commune with the living.

Once when I was in my early 20's, I tried to have an out of body experience. For about a second and a half...I felt as though I was actually leaving my body. It freaked me out so I jumped back in. I never tried that stupid stuff again. There's nothing that needs doing that can't be done WITH my body. Well, there's the flying around the room stuff...but then I'd see my own body without me in it and THAT'D freak me out. So, I pretty much just stay close to home.

With my luck, if I did have an out of body experience, someone would break my body and then what would I do? I guess I'd be a ghost but still alive. That would be awful. I would probably see other ghosts only they would really be dead. See? I have the worst luck.

Now I've gone and freaked my own self out. I have to go turn on more lights and televisions. Damn.

OR...I could take advantage of my freakedness and watch a scary movie!

Wouldn't that be freaky? All I have to do is pick one out. The Sixth Sense maybe?

Maybe not.

But...a scary movie for sure. OK...I think that's what I'm gonna do...see ya!

Meg

6 Comments:

Blogger Enyo said...

I know I'm easily baffled (otherwise I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in) but even so I haven't a clue what this is all about ... I can't wait for the next installment.

In the mean time and without ever knowing what an out of body experience was I had one once, when I was in my early twenties. It wasn't until I confided in a colleague who was into all kinds of New Age and Spiritual stuff I heard the expression or learned that what I'd experienced was something other people had recounted. It was so completely outside anything I'd ever experienced or read about I had trouble putting what I'd felt (or been through?) into words.

Anyway she was quite envious but kind and helpful and nothing similar has every happened to me in the twenty subsequent years. It's the fact that nothing similar has happened that makes me prepared to believe something just might have happened. Only don't ask me to explain what because I haven't a clue (as usual).

Take care of yourself... ;)

July 18, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Hi Enyo!

What is it about the early 20's? Our bodies are in their best shape and yet somehow, we can easily leave them. It took me months and months of trying every night before I fell alseep. Then, when it was about to work, I chickened out. I've tried a couple of times since, but never got close. If there are any early 20 people out there, try to leave your body and see if it works.

Let me know if you get far enough out of it to see yourself.

meg

July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Here's how to deal with a cheating husband. They might still THINK of cheating.

July 18, 2006  
Blogger Enyo said...

Hi Meg,

I hadn't thought of that experience for years until it cropped up in your blog today. I do recall trying to have the same experience again, but the same person I consulted did tell me it was one of those things that can't be forced and that will be more elusive the harder you try. Anyway I then mentioned it this afternoon to the colleague I share an office with and it turns out she's deeply into this sort of stuff (and she's getting into tarot).

You throw a pebble into a pond and look where the ripples end up!!

July 18, 2006  
Blogger Enyo said...

Hi Meg,

I hadn't thought of that experience for years until it cropped up in your blog today. I do recall trying to have the same experience again, but the same person I consulted did tell me it was one of those things that can't be forced and that will be more elusive the harder you try. Anyway I then mentioned it this afternoon to the colleague I share an office with and it turns out she's deeply into this sort of stuff (and she's getting into tarot).

You throw a pebble into a pond and look where the ripples end up!!

July 18, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I guess that's true...I've never been able to do it since. Oh well, like I said, the body can come in pretty handy at times. Just the arms alone are very useful.

And there are a few other parts that I really, really need.

Meggers

July 18, 2006  

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