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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My dog just farted.

Jeez, I hate that. I thought that all the nasty farting left with Rick. Oh well, at least I KNOW the dog doesn’t have enough sense to go into the restroom for such things.

There has always been a farting man in my life. When I was a little girl, my grandfather, a very successful businessman, would read the paper in his recliner at night and literally lift his leg and fart with no shame or “Excuse Me.”

Of course, when I got a little older, my brothers got a thrill out of farting. I left home and got married so I immediately had a farter of my own. Then, without missing a beat, I married again and had another farter. I swear to God, I had him convinced that woman just don’t fart.

Then, I met the fartmaster. When my oldest son attained a certain age, he developed a facsination with farting that he pretty much still has. He laughs so hard at his own farts, but you can truly annoy him by farting back at him.

When he and Rick where both living with me, it was one great big fart-a-rama. A few years ago, I was in New York and I had this great beef sandwich with peppers...three kinds. I went into the restroom and noticed what a hideous bouquet that sandwich had summoned.

I smiled.

I began developing my stratagem.It was so marvelously brilliant and the timing couldn’t have been better. They were both in the living room watching television. I went back into the living room and sat down as though all was right with the world. Serenely secure in my evil scheme, I withheld the pressure that was my vengeance for the years of anguish to which I had been subjected by the fartmaster and his little partner in crime. I smiled cunningly as I remembered the silence that preceeded the appalling stench. I knew that there would be no forewarning for my victims. I waited until just the right moment and unleashed what was the most foul, repugnant, revolting “silent but deadly” that I had ever had the misfortune of suffering.

And then I sat back and watched the consequences of my reprisal ensue. It was breathtaking...literally.

When the effects of my opus first touched their noses, they immediately glanced at each other. Then, they inhaled again. Oh, it was magnificent. I laughed so hard that I instantaneously gave myself away. They both actually got up off of their chairs. The looks on their faces were identical and said the same thing, “How can I leave the presence of this gruesome entity?”

Their eyes went back and forth as though they were looking for an exit. You would have thought that they were a couple of mice in the presence of a lion. Such a sense of contentment, I have never felt. I assure you, that one fart made up for the years of olfactory assaults that these two yahoos had released upon me. I have tried, in vain, to duplicate it but haven’t found the proper combination of weapons with which to do so.

OK, enough fart talk, the dog just farted again. I guess I asked for that one. Well, I have to clean my kitchen so I can mess it up again by making dinner.

See ya,

Meg

6 Comments:

Blogger Dub Cross said...

That must have been one hell of a fart, is all I can say!

Funny Blog!

July 18, 2006  
Blogger jkdasfjad said...

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much. I laughed and laughed and laughed. That was just what I needed today. Thank you!

July 18, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I'm glad you enjoyed the fart story. It was, indeed, "one hell of a fart". As I said, no matter what I've eaten in the interim, I have never been able to duplicate that recipe. Oh well. At least they aren't in the house anymore.

Meg

You know, I wish that I could have bottled that one fart...it would have been good for years.

July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Jen said...

OMG! I laughed so hard at your story and read it aloud to my husband! What a riot!

July 18, 2006  
Blogger SolarisGal said...

Hey, Mentor!

Just wanted to stop by and say hello!

Keep on blogging that funny stuff, girlfriend!

July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanted you to know that there are a lot of people that think that thatgirlemily's blog is a farse and that it is a marketing campaign... There are a bunch of sites out there that have the same thing posted...

http://gawker.com/news/advertising/spurned-wife-more-likely-26yearold-hipster
-ad%20-twat-who-thinks-hes-just-so-clever-187884.php

July 18, 2006  

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